I'm feeling overwhelmed. I don't like feeling overwhelmed and it seems that lately it's been lurking around every corner. There is still so much on my plate and I wonder when things will start to thin out. I feel like I'm tired ALL the time. I go to sleep tired only to wake up tired only to do it all again the next day with the same results...being tired. My brain is still mush and on a good day I feel that I might retain 50% of what happens. When will this end so things can return to normal...or is this it? Is this my new normal? Lord, I hope not.
Some times I feel confident about the future and other times I go to the gym, look around, and then quickly pray that I'm not looking at a random sampling of what's out there in my age bracket. Are my choices like this: bald head or mohawk? meat head or mushy belly? tattoos or tank top? Ugh. No thank you. My choice: none of the above.
Then I realize that I'm borrowing trouble. This is nothing for me to concern myself with right now - this is for me to put in the Lord's hands and trust that He has guided me this far and will continue to do so.
However, in the meantime, some days are hard when I realize what I'm up against. I was eating sushi with a friend the other night and all of the sudden I realized that I don't know how to eat with chopsticks. Well, not all of the sudden, I've always known I can't do it, but it never mattered. Keith would always order the kids chopsticks for me or the little plastic spring you can attach to regular chopsticks. It wasn't a big deal, it's just something we always did. But now I realize that I would look pretty lame being thirty-one asking for the plastic spring so I can make my chopsticks work. And I would look EVEN LAMER asking for a fork at a sushi restaurant. It's here - this moment - that I realize I'm starting over in more ways than just life without Keith. I'm entering a scene that I have been away from FOR YEARS and I have no idea how to do it. So I trust. I trust in the One who has brought me here; I lean on Him knowing that I can't do it by myself.
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8 comments:
Keep your head up, girl, and know that you never, ever have to choose the tank top OR the mushy belly. Never ever. Love you, Judes!
i'm still praying for you lots judy. and i don't know if this is encouraging, but i'm 40 and can't use chopsticks. i just use a fork. i never really thought anything about it. :) i also didn't meet my husband till i was 33. being single in your early 30's isn't always easy, but there were lots and lots of blessings for me in being on my own. of course i didn't have the kind of loss you are living with, but you just never know what God is going to do. i pray for lots of His joy and peace to transcend your overwhelmedness. jer 29:11 and eph 3:20-21
I'm 54 and I can't use chopsticks, either. I think the ones with the little springs are the BEST! and the thing that I have learned in my 54 years of life is this...it does not matter one tiny bit whether you think you look lame or whether you do look lame. It doesn't matter. Ask for the springy chopsticks or ask for a fork. Just enjoy your sushi.
I wonder if you have a "form" of post traumatic stress syndrome? Well, that didn't sound encouraging, did it? Once I had something such as after a very trying and testing year which also included a birth during that. When that year had settled into great blessings I began having strange symptoms and sought insight for that and was told by the physician that such does take place...she said, "In bygone days people said that 'it came home to roost'..."
She stated that when one champions through a tough time that often when its safe do they have physical and emotional symptoms that may have been expected to occur during their trauma and yet those aforementioned symptoms did come when the trauma had subsided.
Just a thought...
interesting blog. i often feel so alone being widowed at 33. I look around too sometimes and think "God, there is no one that compares and then somehow I feel peace and know God has it. Sometimes it's exhausting to think how he knew all these little things about me, like making kid chopsticks, and who is going to learn all my quirks and take joy in them like he did? anyway, look forward to reading and commenting. Blessings.
May this Thanksgiving celebration be a time of reflection and continued healing for you both. Thinking of you often and praying for your always.
I, too, have been wondering about both of you and your children this Thanksgiving. I think of you often and pray for you often, as well.
Hi Judy,
You don't know me. My name is Rachel. I went to highschool with Keith, and my brother played golf with him at Coronado. I live in Atlanta and have followed your pray for Keith FB page and now followed it to your recent blog post. I just was struck by how hard it must be to feel like you don't know where your current life is headed. Your comment about "is this what I'm stuck with, a meat-head, or a mo-hawk, made me yearn to encourage you. I have a friend at church who had an 18 month old daughter when the police showed up at her house one day and said her husband had died in a car accident. They had an incredible marriage, were both Believers in Christ and her world was turned upside down in an instant. 3 years later she is engaged to be married to another man she met at church. The Lord put him in her path and has led her through every valley and peak. While I dont pretend to imagine what you have been through, or your journey ahead, take heart. There is hope. I can only imagine there are days when you can't imagine being with anyone but Keith, and days when you can't imagine living this life alone forever. I will be praying that one second at a time you are able to reach out to the one who already knows what will happen and continue to say that his plan will unfold and he will bless you beyond what you may be able to believe is possible.
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