Release...

I have not written in this blog in a LONG time. I have had many "that would be good for the blog" moments but for one reason or another I didn't write. In a nutshell though, we are doing really well. Girls are growing up too fast, so I am not missing a moment of it!  We are so blessed!  I need to be better at updating not so people know about me, but because Judy and I made a pact that we would carry this blog on to help other young women in similar situations. 

The other night I was emailing a close friend that is helping me with some projects around the house and planning a girls trip.  As I was about to close the email, I started unexpectedly journal the feelings I have felt for the past weeks, but could not quite put them into words. This is what I wrote...with the help of The Holy Spirit.  

"On another note, but kind of on the same, I think I am going through a new phase of all this "grieving" process. They say it is different for everyone and it is so true. In the past 3.5 years I have lived life and carried on my role of whom I became [9 years ago] - wife and mother. It has not been easy to let go of the wife identity. I think it was easier for me to carry on like that (or at times thought I would meet someone and instantly be "wife"again). It has taken me these past 3.5 years for me to be able to let go of that role [and identity].  It recently came to mind that part of the reason it has been so hard is that Mark and I had made 1 and 3 year goals (the January before). [We actually sat down, discussed, dreamt and wrote them down]. 

I have accomplished most of the goals, at least the ones achievable without him. Things I never in my dreams thought I would do without him. Things that hurt so much to not  have him physically next to me and our girls - [yes that "unfathomable" pain.  The amazing part to all this is that not once did I sit down and tell myself I had to achieve these goals... All have been presented to me - almost on a golden platter - all I have asked for is for God's will to be done.  It has been so amazing to see how loving, gentle and generous God has been with me.  And amazing to share all of this with my daughters. 

 What got me through each of those things was my faith of him [Mark] being right next to us. ..allowing us to never feel alone. The girls and I have spoken about him so much and being such an amazing father and man, I am happy that we have had this time together, the 3 of us, so the girls could get to know - through me- who Mark was as a father and husband and how our marriage worked.  It has helped me validate my married years.[ The short almost 6 years I was married were truly wonderful and full of love. His love for our family has given me incredible strength.]

As I plan for this next year, I am realizing we can do new things, visit new places, make new choices and make decisions with confidence because we are ok.  

..... I am feeling somewhat released yet so loved. It is so hard to describe what I have felt. I have realized that my mom had been so right...she would say that I was completely in love with Mark still. [She would tell me that I still had that glow when I talked about him and that I was not ready.]. I told her "of course I was in love, he was my husband and we loved each other very much!" (and in my head I would tell myself "he is"). I have had to let go gradually... Very slowly. It all happened so quickly.  I know now what emotions to let go and what to keep holding on to. I am ok with being a wife in the past and not being one now, because I am doing the best job I can being a mom and I have honored Mark everyday in that way. 

It is time for newness. I am released. I am confident. I am happy. A facelift to the house (keeping it humble though), venturing out, and living my life the way it is now and liking it even more. Thank you God that I have this in my heart. Please preserve it. 

Finding Extraordinary Purpose in the Ordinary Days...

Four year olds are exhausting.  Twins are exhausting.  Day in and day out, life is exhausting.  The mornings are exhausting; the afternoons are exhausting; the evenings are exhausting and the nights are exhausting.  There are some days that I am so tired that I wonder what I did all day to become so tired, only to become discouraged when the answer seems to be “nothing.”  Days where it seems nothing of purpose is accomplished.  Days where I’m exhausted from the sheer monotony of having three kids at home.  You know the days…the ones that make you feel like this:

Thankfully, I believe we are out of the “trying to survive” stage.  We entered this stage after the girls were born and we began adjusting to life with two newborns.  One baby can be tough.  Two babies can test your limits.  During this stage I would wake up and just try to make it through the day, only to wake up the next day and do it all again.  I remember a phone conversation Patrick had with his mom and she asked what we were going to do that weekend.  Our answer?  Just try to make it through it. 

Currently we are in the “being alive” stage.  There are good days and there are bad days, but days are no longer survived; they are lived.  I can do more than just bathe both girls.  I can bathe the girls, make lunches, straighten up the house, play with Brooks, cook dinner and maybe even run an errand.  Again, sometimes the daily grind can be discouraging, but at least I am able to make a to-do list that no longer has to have “shower,”  “brush teeth,” or "get dressed" on it.  Luckily, showering, brushing my teeth and getting dressed are pretty much guaranteed in this stage of life.  And with the passing of each day I know I am one step closer to once again being in the “able to thrive” stage. 

Our church back in Australia has a blog entitled Selah Moments and it’s a place where women share perspectives based on the word of the month.  The word for July is “honour” and I wrote the following piece: 

As I contemplated this word, honour, I found myself asking, “What am I doing to honour God?”  Initially my response was a superficial one: I’m trying my best to live a life that is pleasing to Him.  But what does that really mean?  I pressed myself and began to dive into a deeper understanding.

While considering the question of what I’m doing to honour God, the parable of the talents was brought to mind.  Matthew 25:14-30 tells the story of a master who entrusts talents (NIV says bags of gold) to his servants.  Three servants receive five talents, two talents and one talent, respectively.  The servants who received five and two talents both doubled their portions while the servant who received only one talent dug a hole and buried his master’s money.  To the two who doubled their portion, the ones who went out and DID something with what their master gave them, the master said, “Well done, good and faithful servant!  You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things.  Come and share your master’s happiness!”  To the one who buried his talent, the one who chose the safe path, the path where nothing was lost nor nothing was gained, the master said, “You wicked, lazy servant…throw that worthless servant outside, into the darkness…”

“Talents” in this parable can parallel many things.  As I began to think about what the Lord has entrusted to me, the first thing that came to mind is my family.  How am I honouring my husband?  How am I honouring my children?  Am I an encouragement to them, doubling my portion?  In what areas are my strengths and what areas need strengthening?  Do I choose to honour them on a daily basis because honouring them truly is a choice and making this choice is easier on some days than others?  What am I doing to honour God?  By honouring them I’m honouring Him. 

“Talents” can also take the form of money, as was the case in the parable.  Am I being a good steward with the finances God has provided?  Is tithing a priority?  Am I honouring Him with how we choose to spend our funds?  Because, again, this is a choice and, again, it’s an easier choice on some days than it is on others. 

Finally, “talents” can reflect what God has blessed us each with – particular gifts and talents.  How are we using these gifts?  Are our abilities being put to use or are they simply buried, not accomplishing anything.  In some cases, these talents might have been buried so long that we’ve completely forgotten about them.  God didn’t bless us in areas only to have us choose to do nothing with it.  He wants us to use our talents so that we might bless others, in turn, honouring Him. 

This word, honour, didn’t encourage me.  It didn’t inspire me.  It convicted me.  I want to choose to live a life that gains the response, “Well done, good and faithful servant!  You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things.  Come and share your master’s happiness!”  I want to honour God by honouring what He has blessed and entrusted me with – my family, my finances, my talents. 

I wanted to share it here as an encouragement for those stuck in the daily grind.  I started viewing ordinary, everyday tasks as ways to honor God and it has benefited me greatly.  It has given purpose to the days that seem uneventful.  It has allowed me to see those days for what they truly are:  the opportunity to pour into the lives of my children.  Viewing these moments as a chance to honor God by honoring my family has made me a better wife and a better mother.  There is a renewing in my spirit that was absent before I changed my outlook.  The monotony of the previous days has been replaced with a joy and a love that can only be granted by the Lord and for that I am grateful. 

happy mother's day...

Happy Mother's Day to all of the wonderful moms out there and a very special wish of a fantastic day to my mom, Jan, and my mother-in-laws, Marilyn and JaNell.  We are so fortunate to have you in our lives and we love you all very much.

Today was the first time I celebrated a Mother's Day in the traditional "family" sort of way and I received the best present I could have asked for.  Brooks was taking a nap and Patrick and I were sitting around talking.  At one point Patrick looked at Brooks and then told me to look at whatever he was looking at.  He had this grin, Patrick did, and he sort of exhaled like he was reflecting upon something then he just simply said, "I feel like his dad."

I could feel some tears forming because I've witnessed this bond develop and it's a beautiful thing.  We've talked about it a few times and I've wondered when Patrick would fully feel like Brooks is his son.  The love has always been there between them, but viewing a child who is not biologically yours as your own takes time.  Watching as their relationship grows makes my heart swell.  I am one blessed girl.  Happy Mother's Day.

a little pity party...

I'm new at this stay-at-home mom thing...and it's tough.  I knew it would be tough going into it, but I keep thinking...is it the time change that's killing me?  Is it because he's a horrible sleeper?  Is it his new surroundings?  Is it because it's just the two of us for the majority of every day?  Is it because he's so clingy and needy that I can't get anything done?  Is he clingy and needy because we aren't surrounded by as many people as we used to be?  Is it because I had the bright idea to start potty training in the midst of all this newness?  Is it because we had a few rainy days and we were stuck inside instead of being able to go outside?  I don't know...but I do know that lately I've felt that all I do all day is wash the dishes, unload the dishwasher, clean the counters, sweep up crumbs and fold the laundry.  That and run back to the potty each time Brooks thinks he needs to go. 

Yesterday I found myself wondering how I can I live a life of purpose when it seems like I've taken on more of a role of "housekeeper" and "Brooks' playmate" rather than anything else.  He whined and cried and followed me around saying he needed me to carry him.  He said his tummy hurt and his bottom hurt and his leg hurt and his foot hurt.  He wanted to take a nap, but when we got in his bed he wanted to play with his toys.  When we went to his toys he needed to go potty.  When he sat on the potty he realized he didn't need to go afterall.  "Get me juice; I want you; I need a snack..."  This went on all day.  He was dirty from the park and wanted to take a shower...until about three-fourths of the way through it.  Then he decided he didn't like showers and LOST IT screaming about how terrible they are.  As my fuse continued to shorten and I thought I might lose it, I had my moment of clarity.  I realized the answer to my question.  My purpose during this season of my life is to teach him about Jesus through my reactions.  When he deserves it the least is when I must open up my heart the most.  It's not enough to emphasize "please" and "thank you" while teaching him to say, "May I please have a snack" instead of telling me to get him one.  I have to look at him the way the Lord looks at us.  This thought process has been enlightening and humbling and it's made me realize that this is the hardest job I will ever have. 

Lamentations 3:22-23

²² Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,
   for his compassions never fail.
²³ They are new every morning;
   great is your faithfulness.

g'day...

I had every intention of updating this sooner but just haven't had the time.  Since my last blog in November I've done quite a bit.  I went to Australia for two weeks (with a side trip to New Zealand), I sold my condo in San Diego, I took Brooks to Lubbock to celebrate an early Christmas with the Beasleys, I quit my job, I celebrated Christmas with my family, Patrick came in town, we celebrated Christmas with Brooks, we flew to Tampa on Christmas Day to celebrate Christmas with his family, we celebrated Christmas again the next day with his sister, we had friends and family fly in town for a little celebration, we GOT MARRIED in St. Petersburg, Florida, we went on a little honeymoon down on Sanibel Island, we went back to Tampa, we flew to Dallas and then we packed up and moved to Australia.  Patrick's contract is up at the end of September so Brooks and I will be living here on an extended vacation until then.  So far we are all adapting well and I will post pictures soon.  :)

2012...

More blogs coming soon...

life...

I finished reading The Lovely Bones today and came across the following line written from the perspective of a girl who was killed but she had the capability to watch her family from her "heaven."  The passage said, "My father dreamed that one day he might teach another child to love ships in bottles.  He knew there would be both sadness and joy in it; that it would always hold an echo of me."

Bittersweet.  This is a word I have not just known the definition to, but I've lived its meaning and it's not fun.  I lived it when people saw me with Brooks and asked if he was my only one before innocently asking if I would have more.  I lived it as I completed pre-school enrollment papers for him - leaving all of the contact information for the father blank.  I lived it when getting Brooks his passport and I was told by three different people that I wouldn't be able to get it for him unless my husband was there with us too.  Finally I had to just tell them that his death certificate was in my purse.  Ah, yes, I know bittersweet.  To an extent I live it everyday.  But I also know redemption.

Yesterday I finished reading Redeeming Love and I related even moreso to the concept found there:  I have been redeemed.  The Lord didn't hang me out to dry; He sent me someone to live my life with and for that I will forever be grateful.  My heart, which once was broken, has been repaired.  It's full.  It's content. 

My sister got married a month ago and Patrick was able to come in town for her wedding.  The Beasleys, Keith's parents, were also coming in town for her wedding and when they found out Patrick would be there they were happy because they could spend some time with him.  Patrick's parents, the Copelands, also came in town for the celebration and they were able to meet the Beasleys.  It was upon realizing that this situation could take place - a merging of my past with my future - that my heart was overflowing.  In case that wasn't enough, both the Beasleys and the Copelands had breakfast together with Brooks the morning after the wedding.  At one point we were all at my parents' house - Patrick, my parents, his parents, Keith's parents, Brooks and me - and as I watched everyone spending time together I could hardly comprehend it.  I can't tell you how much it meant to me for that weekend to have happened. 

My goal in the near future is to be a better blogger...we'll see.  Now that I've finally sat down to write I feel like there are a million things I want to talk about.  Have a good weekend.  :)

us...in a nutshell...

Last March Patrick and I realized that our friendship had the capability to blossom into something great.  He decided to book a flight from Australia to Dallas over the Easter holiday and then we flew to Birmingham to visit some of my friends.  It was important for me to see how he would interact with Brooks and vice versa.

 

They loved each other.

After spending more time together in Dallas I knew that the Lord was blessing me with the chance to have a traditional family and experience love in a way that I thought was gone.  I called Keith's mom around the first of May to let her know that I had found someone for Brooks and me and that it was serious.  I hope anyone in a similar situation is as lucky to have such a solid response given as the one I received from her.

In June I went to Australia for three weeks. 

We had a blast...

 

and fell in love.

He flew to Lake Tahoe in July to join my family for a week-long family vacation.  His parents flew in for the weekend and everyone enjoyed meeting and spending time with one another.

Patrick helped Brooks with his golf game...

took him fishing...

and we all just enjoyed being together.

On this trip, Patrick spoke with my dad regarding our future...

so we would like to let you know...

that we're getting married.  :)  Yay!

1B...

After Keith died I had to face the realization of my situation - I no longer had a husband and Brooks no longer had a father.  Deep within me I really hoped that the Lord had someone else out there for me, but of course I was unsure.  Whenever I would think about it I automatically thought of this person as my #2 with Keith obviously being my #1.  The more that I thought of this the more discouraged I got.  I didn't want a #2, I wanted another #1.  A #2 to me would be settling and, consequently, not what I wanted. 

What Keith and I had was terrific.  Top-notch.  Solid.  We spent significant amounts of time just hugging because we fit together like a puzzle.  In fact, I can see the two of us in our kitchen.  It's locked in my memory.  We would stand there, embracing, and Keith would let out a deep breath before simply saying, "Just like a puzzle," and I would repeat, "Like a puzzle," and there we would remain.  He was made for me and I was made for him.  Several times we spoke about how we might not have tons of money, but we were rich in love and that's the best way for it to be.  He would say, "We may not have a back yard.  We don't even have our own mail box.  But I have you and that's all I need."  He said those types of things and he meant it.  And after thinking about these things I made a decision - I was no longer looking for my #2; I wanted a 1B.  I didn't want a step down; I wanted a continuation of what I had since time with my 1A was cut short.

I decided that I wanted someone of Keith's caliber and that if it wasn't possible, then I wasn't interested.  I had five fantastic years of marriage and was fortunate to have conversations with Keith about how we might have loved each other more in those five years than some people love in a whole lifetime.  This formed the basis and foundation of what I was looking for as I thought about what I wanted for the remainder of my life.

I quickly realized that I was not looking for someone to come in and save the day.  I wasn't miserable.  I was making ends meet and planning for the future.  I didn't need someone to swoop in and pull me out of a terrible situation.  My situation was far from ideal, but manageable, and I had come to terms that there was a really good possibility that I might've had a lifetime of marriage packed into five short years.  There might not be anyone else out there for me.  If that was the case then I was okay with it;  I would be content knowing that what I had was real.

I also realized that what I was hoping to find was a tall order.  I'm sure there is a chunk of the population that doesn't find it once so who am I to think I'll find it twice?  Did this person even exist?  And if so, would he understand what he's signing up for?  Would he understand my situation?  Would he be able to love Brooks like his own?  Would he feel like he's living in Keith's shadow?  Yep, a tall order for this one I was hoping to find. 

At the first of this year I decided I wanted to take a trip somewhere this summer.  A trip of a lifetime.  I didn't know where or with whom, just that I wanted to do something BIG.  I stumbled across our friend from San Diego who had recently moved to Australia and thought I might be on to something.  He was Keith's friend and I really only knew him in passing.  I knew a lot about him, however, because Keith LOVED him.  He ended up moving away from San Diego and landed in Dallas...so Keith set him up with all his buddies. 

In April of 2009 Keith had his accident.  Patrick came to Austin and cried over his buddy who was laying in a hospital bed.  He read him scripture and prayed over him.  Later that fall, before he moved to Australia, he sat in the nursing home with Keith, Brooks and me just as many of Keith's friends did throughout his time in various hospitals. 

As odd and random as it might've seemed for me to plan a trip to Australia, it always seemed completely normal.  Although I didn't really know Patrick, I felt like I did because of how much Keith revered him.  As my trip began unfolding, Patrick and I began communicating more and more.  Suddenly there was a shift in our conversations and we both realized the magnitude of what we were dealing with.  It's still very early, but I think I found my 1B. 

Not all that long ago I thought that if there was somebody out there for me it would be because I was scraping the bottom of the barrel.  From there I became completely content in my situation and trusted the Lord to provide in whatever shape He deemed appropriate.  Never would I have imagined that He would blow my mind and knock my socks off at the same time. :)

the weekend of love...

Mariana and I had plans to go out on Friday night.  As we were determining good days to go it took a little while to realize it was Valentines Day weekend...oh well, we thought, no big deal.  In theory, the two of us going out for a low-key night on the town seems very normal - people do it all the time.  However, the surreal-ness of our situations creeps up during times like this and the magnitude of what we're dealing with makes it hard to wrap our brains around.

We were sitting downtown at Victor Tangos having a good time when the parallel of a different time was realized.  It's something we would have been doing ten years ago in Lubbock but with a totally different mindset.  Who would have thought that so much could have changed in that length of time?  Ten years ago we were in college with nothing but high hopes for our futures.  We had both met the men we would marry and the world was ours.  We led happy lives, loved wholeheartedly and started families.  Life was good.  Then our husbands died and we were left to fend for ourselves on behalf of our family that remained.  So rather than get upset about this, we laughed and we joked.  We told happy stories and started making new dreams for our new futures.   We talked about how even if we met some cute boys we couldn't have them go to the next place with us because there were too many car seats in the car and no one could fit.  And we were thankful that out of everything we could've done that night, we wanted to go out somewhere different and fun rather than meeting at the neighborhood Applebee's or nowhere at all simply for the fact that this weekend is the weekend of love and our loves are no longer with us.  Yes, we are the girls in unimaginable situations but we are doing our best to move on and regain some of the footing that was lost.  Happy Day of Love, everyone.  xoxox

Approaching 1 year...

Well, this month will be 11 months...I remember everything we did the whole month of January and February last year mainly because we were so happy and so many things were starting to change for us. We had big plans and we were excited about them. Our baby girl turned 1 year old and we were so in love with our daughters.
He was also traveling a lot and missed a lot of fun things with the girls and I and I missed him being gone. I could not wait for him to be home. At the same time I was getting myself ready for him being gone for 6 weeks and travel more frequently.
Little did I know then that God was preparing me for this. But looking back at all the emotions that I went through exactly a year ago I am amazed at how God prepared me in a way. There are too many things that happened exactly a year ago to list here, but just trust me when I say it is amazing.

My relationship with God has changed too. I have not been able to go to Bible study or immerse myself in any kind of study or prayer group right now - even quite time. I am too raw. Too much talking or too much quite time are not good for me right now. And I am ok with that. I know my limit. But I do feel such a sense of comfort in that I do not feel farther away from God in any way. Instead I feel like the "Footprints in the Sand" poem.
I feel like I am completely in the hands of God and He is carrying us through this journey of healing. I feel that He is in everything we do everyday. He hears every cry I send his way, every heart ache I endure during the days. He is in my girls life and heart. I know that the path God leads us on will be good. I don't know what that path is and it might be something completely different from what I envision for us right now, but that is why I am learning to live in the present. God is truly taking care of us.

I am also relating to Judy's last post. I feel like my "time" is running out because in one month I will no longer be able to say that we did such and such thing with him last year. Time is moving on and we have new pictures and new memories now that do not include him. That hurts me to the bone. But it is life and we are survivors. We are still here and we have a purpose so we must continue to make a life full of memories. We will very often go back to the days when Papa was here (this is how we have been referring to them lately) and we will always remember him and love him.
There have been so many times where I can see Isabella thinking of him and I know what she is thinking because it is the same thing I think about...what he would be doing or saying at that moment. I can hear him nonstop in my head - the silly comments he would say about stuff, his mannerisms, how he would react to the girls. I sometimes feel he is looking over my shoulder at stuff with me. She tells me that she hears him and he tickles her. I guess these are ways our minds and hearts find to soothe our souls and make it more bearable. At these times we always manage to come out smiling :)

The biggest shock to me is how I have survived not seeing or touching the love of my life for almost a year. When I put it in one phrase like that I can't breathe and I feel my heart skip a beat...it us unbearable pain that you feel deep down - the reality of it. Then I swallow and remind myself I will see him again.

Thank you for reading and following our stories. I hope that I am able to help those of you going through hard times. I hope that all the readers have made the most of the time with loved ones.

God bless and thank you for your prayers. Please continue to pray for us especially for this next 2 months.

life in pictures...

I hesitate to write anything like this because these feelings are not my norm.  Sometimes when I put stuff like this people misinterpret it and think I'm in a really dark spot and I'm not.  It becomes annoying enough that I would rather not put anything at all, however, these are honest thoughts and I want to share them so I will.

My mom has a very dear friend who lost her only child around seven years ago.  It was 2004 and we found out about his accident during one of my wedding showers.  Ironically, he and Keith were both taken to the same ICU hall of the same hospital in Austin although years apart.  I was browsing through Facebook the other day and I saw an album that she had entitled "Sweet Memories".  That's probably where I came up with the title of my last blog, although I did not do it intentionally.  Anyway, I looked through the pictures of her son and as I looked it hit me.  I thought, "He looks so young!  I can't believe how young he looks!"  Then my brain stopped.  That's how it works with me.  I'll be doing something seemingly harmless when a connection is made and then my brain freezes.  Everything stops and it's as if everything that has stopped is channeled into a piercing correlation of what that means for Keith and me.

As I scrolled through pictures of Jeff and Jeff with his daughter and Jeff with his parents I got it.  I understood what was in my future.  He looks young because we are older.  Everyone is getting older but him.  And Keith.  And anyone else that is no longer with us.  Their age is frozen and they will never get any older.  A friend of ours emailed a picture of Keith and me at the Alamo Bowl when Texas Tech played Iowa back in 2002 or somewhere around there.  When I saw it I thought, "Man, we look like babies; we were so young."  Eventually that statement will ring true for every picture I have of Keith...and I have a lot.  I'll get older and he never will. 

Again, just for clarification, these things happen every so often but then I move on.  I don't dwell on them and force myself into a funk realizing that Keith will never have another birthday.  I continue to move forward and I believe these things are all a part of that process.

praying for peace...

The time that I come up with the best things to say on a post is usually when I am getting the girls down and my mind is starting to wind down. I am usually too tired to get back up and get on the computer. But usually I recall the great moments of the day and then as I am dozing off I realize all over again what has happened and how Mark is not waiting for me downstairs and sometimes I just flash back to being back in the hospital. I don't cry much but tears do stream down as I relive those first 2 weeks.
Today was a tough day. It snowed here in Dallas and it was fun, but really hard at the same time. For those of you who knew how Mark was, you know what he would have been doing today - it would have been a perfect family day. No golf today - too cold, so he would have been 100% enjoying the full day with us. It would have started out with a full buffet of breakfast foods, followed by going out in the snow and starting a snowman with his girls. Then hot chocolate and a nap with football in the background. Then another round of snow and playing hide and seek and other silly games in the house. We would have done some chores and just enjoyed each other. Probably worked on our goals for the year.
Well, as most days, I did what we would have done (and most days it is fun and we create new memories) but today it was just hard. We did go out in the snow and had a good time - but it was just hard to do. I imagined him the whole day and then that lead to the ugly feeling of being mad. Today I just became mad - and that is not my personality so then I was just moody. And I got moodier as the day went because I could not get a break and I still had to care for my daughters, smile and not pass on my moodiness to them. When I read this and say it out loud I see how "whiny" it sounds. God has blessed me a lot and I know this. But today I am giving my feelings their place.
I am mad. I am not mad at God, but I am questioning certain things. I don't understand why He would give us such wonderful girls and have them grow up with out a dad. I am mad we have to tell the same story again and again to keep his memory alive, I am mad that I could not play in the snow the way I wanted to, I am mad that he is not here, I am mad that I cry in my daughters bed at night, I am mad that I am having to make such big decisions by myself all the time, I am mad that there are so many unknowns, I am mad that my friendships have all been affected by this, I am mad that my loss is what is the focus is daily, I am mad that I am writing in this blog because of what has happened, I am mad that I know what Myocarditis is, I am mad that my girls are growing up so fast and this made them grow up even faster, I am mad that I have no chance of having another baby, I am mad that everywhere I look or hear something, something reminds me of him or that he is no longer with us. I AM MAD.
I know I will be fine, I know that. I know this is a valley I am in and I will come out of it, but that does not change this feeling. I am so mad that I am going through the feeling because it is so typical of what they say of the grieving steps. Anger is part of it. I am so mad that I am even going through this process.
As much as it is going to hurt to go through change, I am ready for change...a different house, a different drive home, new acquaintances. I want to feel loved, love and be loved again. I want to have a connection with an adult again. I know what Mark wants for me and I am at peace with that. I am just ready for things to happen. I pray for God to continue to heal me and those around me.