tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-75566855428822411842024-03-13T05:57:41.895-05:00Forged through Fire and Out of the Ashes...We Rise.Judyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01402722709539882314noreply@blogger.comBlogger59125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7556685542882241184.post-21613723735377900912013-08-09T22:56:00.000-05:002013-08-09T23:01:31.623-05:00Release...<br />
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<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I have not written in this blog in a LONG time. I have had many "that would be good for the blog" moments but for one reason or another I didn't write. In a nutshell though, we are doing really well. Girls are growing up too fast, so I am not missing a moment of it! We are so blessed! </span><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I need to be better at updating not so people know about me, but because Judy and I made a pact that we would carry this blog on to help other young women in similar situations.</span> </div>
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<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">The other night I was emailing a close friend that is helping me with some projects around the house and planning a girls trip. As I was about to close the email, I started unexpectedly journal the feelings I have felt for the past weeks, but could not quite put them into words. This is what I wrote...with the help of The Holy Spirit. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">"On another note, but kind of on the same, I think I am going through a new phase of all this "grieving" process. They say it is different for everyone and it is so true. In the past 3.5 years I have lived life and carried on my role of whom I became [9 years ago] - wife and mother. It has not been easy to let go of the wife identity. I think it was easier for me to carry on like that (or at times thought I would meet someone and instantly be "wife"again). It has taken me these past 3.5 years for me to be able to let go of that role [and identity]. </span> <span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">It recently came to mind that part of the reason it has been so hard is that Mark and I had made 1 and 3 year goals (the January before). [We actually sat down, discussed, dreamt and wrote them down].</span> </div>
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<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I have accomplished most of the goals, at least the ones achievable without him. Things I never in my dreams thought I would do without him. Things that hurt so much to not have him physically next to me and our girls - [yes that "unfathomable" pain. The amazing part to all this is that not once did I sit down and tell myself I had to achieve these goals... All have been presented to me - almost on a golden platter - all I have asked for is for God's will to be done. </span> It has been so amazing to see how loving, gentle and generous God has been with me. And amazing to share all of this with my daughters. </div>
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What got <span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">me through each of those things was my faith of him [Mark] being right next to us. ..allowing us to never feel alone. The girls and I have spoken about him so much and being such an amazing father and man, I am happy that we have had this time together, the 3 of us, so the girls could get to know - through me- who Mark was as a father and husband and how our marriage worked. It has helped me validate my married years.[ The short almost 6 years I was married were truly wonderful and full of love. His love for our family has given me incredible strength.]</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">As I plan for this next year, I am realizing we can do new things, visit new places, make new choices and make decisions with confidence because we are ok. </span> </div>
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<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">..... I am feeling somewhat released yet so loved. It is so hard to describe what I have felt. I have realized that my mom had been so right...she would say that I was completely in love with Mark still. [She would tell me that I still had that glow when I talked about him and that I was not ready.]. I told her "of course I was in love, <u>he was </u>my husband and we loved each other very much!" (and in my head I would tell myself <u>"he is")</u>. <u><b>I have had to let go gradually... Very slowly. It all happened so quickly</b>. I know now what emotions to let go and what to keep holding on to. I am ok with being a wife in the past and not being one now, because I am doing the best job I can being a mom and I have honored Mark everyday in that way. </u></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">It is time for newness. I am released. I am confident. I am happy. A facelift to the house (keeping it humble though), venturing out, and living my life the way it is now and liking it even more. Thank you God that I have this in my heart. Please preserve it. </span></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7556685542882241184.post-8510156736455964672013-08-09T11:40:00.000-05:002013-08-09T11:41:02.692-05:00freedom...<style>
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I became a widow on the third day of my thirty-first
year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Widowed at thirty-one and
now a single mom to a son who was one year, three months and three days
old.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The single mom thing wasn’t
new as I had been without a spouse for sixteen months.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sixteen months he unconsciously fought
for his life in a hospital bed before finally being called Home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>
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The months after Keith died are a blur, but one day I was
finally ready to start thinking about the future.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I whole-heartedly believed that there was a future for me as
well as for my son, Brooks, but I didn’t know what that future looked
like.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In my mind I knew what I
wanted, but I didn’t know if what I wanted existed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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I remember finally deciding that I needed to move on. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t know if the Lord had someone
else out there for me, but I knew I needed to allow myself to be open to the idea.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I began to think about this possibility
and I came up with two options:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
hold out for the perfect man – someone who meets my criteria for husband
material as well as father material – or I find someone that I am compatible
with to be an excellent father to Brooks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></div>
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The perfect man would be nearly impossible to find.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wanted someone that had never married
before and didn’t have any children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I was hoping there was someone out there that fit that criteria because
he was too busy focusing on his career and never met the right woman rather
than having some giant character flaw that kept him single.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wanted someone who was sharp and funny
and kind and generous.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wanted
someone who loved the Lord and loved children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And since I was making this list of the man who probably
didn’t exist, I added one final desire that would knock out 99.9% of the male
population – I wanted someone who knew Keith.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wanted someone who knew the man that I loved with all of my
being because then he would truly understand the heartache that I endured for
so long and be able to be patient with me as I lived this thing called
life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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The good father would be easier to find.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I knew he was out there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was certain I could find someone that
I cared for and who would be a good father to Brooks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I remember wondering if I should just take one for the
team.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Should I find someone that I
could potentially love, not be in love with, so that Brooks can have a
father?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Should I settle for less
than what my heart wanted and marry someone so that Brooks can have that male
influence from someone other than his grandfathers and uncles?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or do I hold out for the perfect man who
would meet the needs of both husband AND father?</div>
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This was a tough decision and I finally realized that I had
to let it go. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I released the
burden of my future and decided to live in the present, knowing and being
satisfied that I might possibly live out my days as a widowed, single mom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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There was such freedom in releasing this choice; it was no
longer my decision to make because I gave it to God.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s when I realized that this uncertainty, the
uncertainty of my future, wasn’t my burden to bear. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was trying to get through the day with this stress strapped
to my back when Jesus was at my side asking to carry it for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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When I finally gave it to Him, when I surrendered my future
to the plans He had for me, there was freedom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There was so much joy and freedom I decided that I needed a
vacation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had quite a lot of
airline miles accumulated from paying hospital bills that I could literally go
anywhere in the world.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Around this
time I saw something posted on Facebook from an acquaintance, Patrick, who had recently
moved to Australia.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Australia.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I could visit Australia.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I talked to a couple of my girlfriends
and asked if they wanted to take a trip over there and they said yes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I reached out to Patrick, who used to
live in the same building as I did when I was married to Keith, to see if he
could help us plan an itinerary and maybe let us crash at his place for a
couple of nights.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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As Patrick and I corresponded about my trip across the
world, we fell in love.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We fell
hard and we fell fast.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He not only
hit all of my criteria, but he surpassed it and I hit all of his.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I knew he was the one for me and I knew
the Lord was just waiting for me to put the ball in His court rather than
keeping it in my own.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Without Him
and His guidance I would have just been spinning my wheels not going
anywhere.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had to release my
plans and be satisfied in the present to gain the freedom and blessings that He
had planned for me in the future.</div>
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And that’s what He wants.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think it grieves Him to see the chains we place on
ourselves.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why are we limiting and
restraining ourselves when we were made to be free?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The sooner we can release things to God the sooner He can
put us on the path to His perfect plan for our lives.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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Judyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06262864266951087450noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7556685542882241184.post-92181665587569996432013-07-30T12:44:00.000-05:002013-07-30T12:44:51.068-05:00Finding Extraordinary Purpose in the Ordinary Days...
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Four year olds are exhausting.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Twins are exhausting.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Day in and day out, life is exhausting.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The mornings are exhausting; the afternoons are exhausting;
the evenings are exhausting and the nights are exhausting.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There are some days that I am so tired
that I wonder what I did all day to become so tired, only to become discouraged
when the answer seems to be “nothing.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Days where it seems nothing of purpose is accomplished.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Days where I’m exhausted from the sheer
monotony of having three kids at home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>You know the days…the ones that make you feel like this:</div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-7CrGF3YC2M0/Uff33uA4RRI/AAAAAAAABU8/wlLjiokHm6s/s1600/why+do+they+want+dinner+every+single+night.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="224" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-7CrGF3YC2M0/Uff33uA4RRI/AAAAAAAABU8/wlLjiokHm6s/s320/why+do+they+want+dinner+every+single+night.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Thankfully, I believe we are out of the “trying to survive”
stage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We entered this stage after
the girls were born and we began adjusting to life with two newborns.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One baby can be tough.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Two babies can test your limits.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>During this stage I would wake up and
just try to make it through the day, only to wake up the next day and do it all
again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I remember a phone
conversation Patrick had with his mom and she asked what we were going to do
that weekend.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Our answer?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just try to make it through it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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Currently we are in the “being alive” stage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There are good days and there are bad
days, but days are no longer survived; they are lived.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I can do more than just bathe both girls.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can bathe the girls, make lunches, straighten up the
house, play with Brooks, cook dinner and maybe even run an errand.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Again, sometimes the daily grind can be
discouraging, but at least I am able to make a to-do list that no longer has to
have “shower,” “brush teeth,” or "get dressed" on it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Luckily, showering, brushing my teeth and getting dressed are pretty much guaranteed in this stage of
life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And with the passing of each
day I know I am one step closer to once again being in the “able to thrive”
stage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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Our church back in Australia has a blog entitled <i><a href="http://selahmomentstv.tumblr.com/" target="_blank">Selah Moments</a></i> and it’s a place where women share perspectives based on the word of
the month.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The word for July is
“honour” and I wrote the following piece:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<i>As I contemplated this word, honour, I found myself asking,
“What am I doing to honour God?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Initially my response was a superficial one: I’m trying my best to live
a life that is pleasing to Him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But
what does that really mean?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
pressed myself and began to dive into a deeper understanding.</i></div>
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<i>While considering the question of what I’m doing to honour
God, the parable of the talents was brought to mind.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Matthew 25:14-30 tells the story of a master who entrusts
talents (NIV says bags of gold) to his servants.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Three servants receive five talents, two talents and one
talent, respectively.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The servants
who received five and two talents both doubled their portions while the servant
who received only one talent dug a hole and buried his master’s money.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To the two who doubled their portion,
the ones who went out and DID something with what their master gave them, the
master said, “Well done, good and faithful servant!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in
charge of many things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Come and
share your master’s happiness!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To
the one who buried his talent, the one who chose the safe path, the path where
nothing was lost nor nothing was gained, the master said, “You wicked, lazy
servant…throw that worthless servant outside, into the darkness…”</i></div>
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<i>“Talents” in this parable can parallel many things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As I began to think about what the Lord
has entrusted to me, the first thing that came to mind is my family.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How am I honouring my husband?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How am I honouring my children? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Am I an encouragement to them, doubling
my portion?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In what areas are my
strengths and what areas need strengthening?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do I choose to honour them on a daily basis because honouring
them truly is a choice and making this choice is easier on some days than
others?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What am I doing to honour
God?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>By honouring <b><span style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">them</span></b> I’m honouring <b><span style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Him</span></b>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i></div>
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<i>“Talents” can also take the form of money, as was the case
in the parable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Am I being a good
steward with the finances God has provided?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is tithing a priority?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Am I honouring Him with how we choose to spend our funds?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because, again, this is a choice and,
again, it’s an easier choice on some days than it is on others.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i></div>
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<i>Finally, “talents” can reflect what God has blessed us each
with – particular gifts and talents.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>How are we using these gifts?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Are our abilities being put to use or are they simply buried, not
accomplishing anything.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In some
cases, these talents might have been buried so long that we’ve completely
forgotten about them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>God didn’t
bless us in areas only to have us choose to do nothing with it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He wants us to use our talents so that
we might bless others, in turn, honouring Him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i></div>
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<i>This word, honour, didn’t encourage me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It didn’t inspire me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It convicted me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want to choose to live a life that
gains the response, “Well done, good and faithful servant!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You have been faithful with a few
things; I will put you in charge of many things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Come and share your master’s happiness!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want to honour God by honouring what
He has blessed and entrusted me with – my family, my finances, my talents.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i></div>
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I wanted to share it here as an encouragement for those
stuck in the daily grind.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
started viewing ordinary, everyday tasks as ways to honor God and it has
benefited me greatly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It has given
purpose to the days that seem uneventful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It has allowed me to see those days for what they truly are:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>the opportunity to pour into the lives
of my children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Viewing these
moments as a chance to honor God by honoring my family has made me a better
wife and a better mother.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is
a renewing in my spirit that was absent before I changed my outlook.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The monotony of the previous days has
been replaced with a joy and a love that can only be granted by the Lord and
for that I am grateful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
Judyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06262864266951087450noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7556685542882241184.post-37317978680990767002013-06-25T10:21:00.000-05:002013-06-25T10:21:20.324-05:00cherish...
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I recently wrote this for our church in Australia and thought I'd share it here as it's been a while since we've updated this blog. The original post is <a href="http://selahmomentstv.tumblr.com/post/53740516377/cherish-your-life-in-him">HERE</a>.</div>
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As I rocked one of our twins back to sleep one night a
single word was brought to my mind:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">cherish</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The word for June.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I reflected on all of the Lord’s
provisions in my life and thought about all that I have to cherish, including
our most recent double blessing, twin girls.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I stared at them and my heart swelled.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>While rocking my sweet baby girls I was
overcome by all of the blessings in my life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The entire world was right and it was not possible for my
heart to feel any fuller.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Back and
forth we moved as we were surrounded in total peace.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This time is most definitely a cherished time.</div>
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I love the time I have where I can experience them one on
one, holding them close and soaking up their presence. There is nothing they
can do to make me love them any more and there is nothing they can do to make
me love them any less.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They have
nothing to give and nothing to say; all they can do is just be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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This is how it should be in our relationship with God, our
Father.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Often times I neglect
getting into the Word because I don’t have enough time to really dive into it
so I don’t do it at all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I shy
away from praying for others because I fear I don’t have the right words to say
or I won’t make any sense.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I
do this, I am missing the big picture: it’s not about words on a page or words
spoken; it’s about spending time with Him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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The Lord doesn’t want my time spent with Him to be burdened;
He wants it to be cherished time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>In fact, He cherishes it more than I do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is nothing I can do to make Him love me any more and
there is nothing I can do to make Him love me any less.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As I draw near to Him, He wants to hold
me in His arms and surround me in total peace while he renews my mind and
soul.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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It’s been several years since I’ve been reminded of this parallel
between parents and newborns, God and His children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, this parallel isn’t just with newborns; my husband
and I see it even as we parent our four-year-old son.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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I love how He uses our every day lives and situations to
give us a glimpse as to who He is and what He’s about.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How humbling and truly awesome it is to
know the Creator of the universe cherishes His time with us, regardless of our
age and the season we’re in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That
He would look at us and desire to soak up our presence is a concept I can
barely wrap my mind around.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I John
3:1 says, “See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be
called children of God!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And as
children of God we have unrestricted access to this cherished time with
Him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
Judyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06262864266951087450noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7556685542882241184.post-87367811869032552552013-01-31T15:12:00.001-06:002013-01-31T15:35:25.952-06:00reflection...January 6th marked a year that I've lived in Australia and it's been an INCREDIBLE year. There have been so many different times over my duration here that I've sat in awe at what the Lord has done for me and for my family. Anyway, I'm not sure when it first hit me, but somewhere along the line I saw a parallel between my time here in Australia and our time here on Earth. This comparison will be grossly generalized and obviously will not apply to everyone, but hopefully it will be something to think about.<br />
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When I moved over a year ago I knew that it was temporary; there has never been a time when I thought we might live here permanently. Because of that knowledge we have made it a point to do and see things while living on this side of the world because we know we won't have this opportunity again. Several times we've had conversations with people here and they've said, "You've seen more of Australia than we have and we've lived here our whole lives." I can think of three different trips off the top of my head that we took only because we knew we were leaving sooner rather than later. It was a 'now or never' mentality so we did it. On one of those trips we ended up meeting another American family living here temporarily. They had been here for four years at that point and were saying how they haven't really done anything while they've lived over here and that they probably wouldn't start until they knew they were moving back. At that point they would probably cram in whatever they could. I couldn't wrap my brain around that mentality. There were all of these things they wanted to do and all of these places they wanted to see, but they weren't doing anything about it. They had the time and resources but seemed to be okay with cramming in whatever could be crammed once the time came. It was this conversation that got my wheels turning.<br />
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Isn't that mentality so like life? We get caught up in the day-to-day. We have a bucket list with all of these phenomenal desires but we don't really do anything about making those desires a reality until we have to, until we know we're almost out of time to do so. <br />
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I don't think our lives are intended to be lived that way. I think our world is so vast and so beautiful that God wants us to experience it. I think He created such majesty among us for <i>our </i>enjoyment. I believe He's given us these gifts to whet our appetites for what's to come because even the most magnificent image we can capture in <i>this </i>life will pale in comparison to what's waiting for us when our time on this earth is up. And how exciting is that??? The places and things of this world aren't meant to be crammed in at the last minute; they are meant to be savored and enjoyed and truly <i>experienced</i> to get us ready.<br />
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Much to our families' dismay, we don't know how much longer we'll be here. We have already exceeded the original time frame of only being here until September 2012, however I'm fairly confident we'll be back in the US at some point during 2013 - although I really have no idea. That being said, apart from being so far away from friends and family, we're in a really good spot. We love being here. We love where we live. We love the life we live here. But we're ready to go home. Overall, we've lived life to the fullest and we'll continue to do so, but this is not our home and our hearts are being pulled to where we can begin our next chapter. We are longing for permanence, to establish our family and put down roots. As we know our time here is drawing to a close, I love that we can look back on our experience here with full hearts. I love that we're excited to still be here every day, but know we'll be even more excited when it's time to leave to begin the next phase for our family. And I love that we'll leave with no regrets. <br />
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I'm reminded of the "not of this world" Christian t-shirts. It's true; as Christians we are <i>not</i> of this world. However, how do we get excited about the world that awaits us for eternity? I think the simplest answer is to truly experience the world that was given to us during this interim. How great would it be to know our time has come and be able to look back with excitement at all we have done and seen knowing that as awesome as the journey has been, the best is yet to come. The end isn't a time to look back with regret at what you weren't able to accomplish; it's a time to play your life's highlight reel and celebrate knowing that those experiences are just the beginning because our minds can't <i>fathom </i>what's waiting for us. This world is not our home; it's our temporary dwelling.<br />
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I hope that I have many, many more years to come and that I can see my grandchildren as adults. I hope I can live life to its fullest and be excited to greet each and every day. I hope I can continue to experience all that God wants me to experience. And I hope that when my time draws near I can look back on the life that I've lived with a full heart and no regrets. I want to look at those I love and say, "I love you. I'll miss you. I'll see you again soon. But for now, I'm ready to go Home." I can't imagine being in a better spot than that. <br />
<br />Judyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06262864266951087450noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7556685542882241184.post-35942812818139168622012-07-05T22:28:00.001-05:002012-07-05T22:30:27.457-05:00rainbows...I saw this picture that Mariana put on Facebook the other day:<br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-TEnEdaQqzbs/T_ZYtLBq1VI/AAAAAAAAAas/c3kcLu5-Z5Y/s1600/177986_3881169261606_699100136_o-1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-TEnEdaQqzbs/T_ZYtLBq1VI/AAAAAAAAAas/c3kcLu5-Z5Y/s400/177986_3881169261606_699100136_o-1.jpg" width="266" /></a></div>
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It was captioned: <br />
One of the many rainbows we see every day in our home...</div>
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they bring such
joy! They are in every room of our<br />
house...we have even seen them in the
garage at night... </div>
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We get them too. It's crazy; they are all over our house at any given time. The other day Brooks was taking a nap and when he woke up he started laughing and yelled, "Mama!!! Come here!!! Look what was next to me while I was sleeping!!!" </div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Mqa253GZkos/T_ZZlZPzj9I/AAAAAAAAAa0/LpODGx_46gA/s1600/IMAG0129.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Mqa253GZkos/T_ZZlZPzj9I/AAAAAAAAAa0/LpODGx_46gA/s400/IMAG0129.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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Not only was it right next to his head...</div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-DNcOEOhWfGI/T_ZZrjCZ8_I/AAAAAAAAAa8/UV3AjZSiuv8/s1600/IMAG0131.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-DNcOEOhWfGI/T_ZZrjCZ8_I/AAAAAAAAAa8/UV3AjZSiuv8/s400/IMAG0131.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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It was directly above where he was sleeping as well. :)</div>
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<br />Judyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06262864266951087450noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7556685542882241184.post-88794325508610712092012-05-13T01:31:00.000-05:002012-05-13T01:31:42.836-05:00happy mother's day...Happy Mother's Day to all of the wonderful moms out there and a very special wish of a fantastic day to my mom, Jan, and my mother-in-laws, Marilyn and JaNell. We are so fortunate to have you in our lives and we love you all very much.<br />
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Today was the first time I celebrated a Mother's Day in the traditional "family" sort of way and I received the best present I could have asked for. Brooks was taking a nap and Patrick and I were sitting around talking. At one point Patrick looked at Brooks and then told me to look at whatever he was looking at. He had this grin, Patrick did, and he sort of exhaled like he was reflecting upon something then he just simply said, "I feel like his dad."<br />
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I could feel some tears forming because I've witnessed this bond develop and it's a beautiful thing. We've talked about it a few times and I've wondered when Patrick would fully feel like Brooks is his son. The love has always been there between them, but viewing a child who is not biologically yours as your own takes time. Watching as their relationship grows makes my heart swell. I am one blessed girl. Happy Mother's Day.Judyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06262864266951087450noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7556685542882241184.post-40114739200928001352012-05-07T06:06:00.000-05:002012-05-13T01:32:37.593-05:00Mariana's last blog really struck a chord with me as I am sensitive to the same blows that she experienced. Life experiences often dictate how we handle certain issues and conversations. They create our reactions and enable us to empathize with others experiencing what we have gone through. What are you sensitive to? For me, it's this:<br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-TA1w13mPDk4/T6ZLHFXJoNI/AAAAAAAAAAs/UuTSORgddis/s1600/hospital.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-TA1w13mPDk4/T6ZLHFXJoNI/AAAAAAAAAAs/UuTSORgddis/s320/hospital.jpg" width="320" /></a> </div>
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My husband in a hospital bed. </div>
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Is this anything remotely close to what I have experienced in the past? No. Not at all. But did the picture take the breath out of my chest and make me feel like vomiting when I saw it? Yes, it did.<br />
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Here's the back story: Patrick went out for a late afternoon surf. Simultaneously, Brooks and I were at home having a dance party. In the middle of a dance our phone rings and I assume it's Patrick calling to beep him up if he's forgotten his key. It's not. It's someone who saw Patrick down the street and the conversation goes like this: Him - Is this Judy? Yeah, hi, I just wanted to let you know that your husband was out surfing and he's had an accident. He's at the surf club and his foot is cut up but they're taking care of him and he's fine. I just thought you'd want to know where he is."<br />
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My brain shut off when I heard "your husband had an accident..." Poor Brooks is jumping and dancing around when I shut off the music so I could process the information I had just received. I focused on the "he's fine" part and we prayed. We prayed a couple of times and waited for Patrick to come home. About thirty minutes later our phone rang again. This time it was the Surf and Rescue guy who told me he was calling because my partner was cut up pretty badly. He would need stitches and needed to get to the hospital. Again, all I can think about is vomiting.<br />
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Long story short, Patrick had nine stitches in his toes and he's fine. In fact, he cut the stitches out himself rather than going back to the hospital. However, the moral of the story is this: You never know what you might say or do that triggers something in someone else.<br />
<br />
Getting those calls triggered something in me. Seeing that picture
triggered something in me. Watching the concern build in Brooks
triggered something in me. <br />
<br />
Throughout the sixteen months of Keith's struggle I tried not to wonder about the dreaded "what ifs?" but I wasn't always successful. When I was pregnant I grieved and yearned for Brooks to know his father. In the quiet times when I was alone with Keith I questioned the timing and wondered if it would be better if the accident would have happened a few years down the road. Maybe if Brooks was four or five and had solid memories of Keith, would it have been better for all of us? <br />
<br />
Brooks saw me when I got the call about Patrick. He saw me after the call while we waited. He heard the phone ring a second time and he saw my urgency to get packed up to walk down to the surf club. <br />
<br />
He saw his daddy sitting on the ground with his foot propped up, bandaged on a bench. He gave him a hug and told him he loved him. He saw our friend drive up to take Patrick to the ER to get stitched up while we walked back home. He saw the above picture on Facebook. He saw that picture and he wouldn't let me remove it from the computer screen. He stared at it and he touched it. He asked, "Is Daddy okay? When will Daddy be home?" I clicked away from the picture and he cried out. He said, "Put the picture back; I want to see Daddy." <br />
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He snuggled into me with his arm on the computer and told me that his heart was sad. He said his heart was sad because Daddy was hurt and couldn't be with us. His sad heart broke mine. Fortunately for me I could tell him that Daddy was coming home and that he would see him soon. Brooks saw him before he went to the hospital so he knew he was okay. He just wanted to see him on the computer screen to feel like he was with him. He was already laying down going to sleep when he heard the front door unlock. His eyes bulged and he ran as fast as he could down the hall to give Patrick a huge hug welcoming him home and ask if his foot was better.<br />
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There are various hypothetical situations about how life might have been if Keith's accident happened three years down the road. I can only imagine how Brooks would have handled it given how he handled Patrick's cut toes. Looking back I'm thankful God didn't answer my desires of wanting what He didn't give us. It makes me wonder how many times we pray super specifically for something only to become discouraged when it doesn't come to be as we want it. We should have the confidence to seek out God's favor in whatever form He deems best without inserting our time frames, locations, etc. He's the only one who sees the entire picture and we have His assurance that He will work it for our good.<br />
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So as an encouragement please know that the prayers we are so desperately seeking out might seem to be unanswered, but in reality might be the best case scenario for our situation at that exact moment. God is faithful; He will provide. <br />
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</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7556685542882241184.post-75932829518328622552012-04-26T22:51:00.003-05:002012-04-26T22:52:54.040-05:00In the ring...<br />
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small;">Imagine you are in a boxing ring. A professional boxer looks at you straight in the face, winds up and you see the glove coming straight for the middle of your face. You think to yourself...no way I can dodge this...its going to happen. BOOM! You take a blow. But it doesn’t knock you out...it just takes your breath away for a second and you are back ready for more.</span></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small;">That is a glimpse to the life of someone who has lost a spouse or a parent.</span></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small;">You can feel you are in the ring at any point in time, any place, in any circumstance. And this boxer can creep in to give you a punch when you least expect it and for sure during the best moments in your life. It is inevitable. </span></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small;">Today I ate dinner with the boxer right behind my chair. It was not only a blow straight in the face, but left and right at my sides too. And it attacks the best of my teammates - my daughters. </span></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small;">The boxer struck me the first time when a friendly couple sitting next to us (that turned out to be parents of a student in Anna’s class) asked where Isabella got her blue eyes. People see her eyes and we here a reminder of Papa and how he is not with us. My sweet Bella will have to deal with that her whole life (just like I had to deal with “you must look like your dad”). So I told them what happened because I could tell they saw a potential “couple friends” - and well, I am no longer a couple (blow #2). </span></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small;">Then we kept on eating dinner the 3 of us, and the waiter came and spoke with us a little and in a very nice but prying way asked why he didn’t see The Mr. with us when we went to the club to eat. Blow #3. So I told him what happened and within 30 minutes I got two of the same reaction...a look of pity, shock awkwardness and sadness.</span></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small;">All meanwhile enjoying a salad and burgers and making sure that Isabella didn’t ruin her pretty dress with ketchup and Anna didn’t fall out of the chair.</span></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small;">Of course, Isabella said in a loud voice...”I miss Papa” and Anna agreed. And I agreed.</span></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small;">Then, the father of the little girl in Anna’s class took her outside to play because she wanted “daddy time” and the girls heard. Of course they wanted to join. Since I had just shared what happened with the mother she stood up and said “Oh I will take them!”</span></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small;">It was nice because she could see what was happening. But I just felt like the girls were entering their own ring and with out me know. Something I have to get used too. They went outside for a little while while I wrapped up dinner and then I met them outside. They were running and playing. I felt relieved. Like a break in the match and I was getting vaseline (or whatever they put on their face to heal the open gashes) on my face and water. I knew what would come next...I noticed when I met the couple that they are good parents. And that the father is a father of 3 little girls and he is in love with them- he is a good dad. So in the next 15 minutes we were there, I faced Mike Tyson with my arms tied and a smile on my face to let the girls know this is all ok and we are ok. </span></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small;">The father danced with one of his girls, then carried his 3 month old and sang an entire song to her while holding her tight, and then spoke of teaching the other one golf this summer. </span></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small;">They looked at him like the most priceless gift ever...and untouchable for them at this point. I could see Isabella remembered Mark and I could see Anna seeing what a father is like and wanting one.</span></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small;">Then he said as he grabbed all of them, it was time to go home because his famous NFL draft was tonight...that almost knocked me out.</span></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small;">That used to be our life. Now 2 years later...here we are with so many blessings around us and making a life of our own. He is what is missing. We can not escape the pain and it will be with us forever because no matter what you can not replace a human being and the love you have for a spouse or father/mother.</span></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small;">We pray that God hears our prayers for a wonderful man to enter into our family - as Isabella says - a daddy here on earth to love and play with. I know God has His plan and every time I feel the punch, it somehow fills me with more Faith. I get beat up in the best of times that I have, but I will not get knocked down. </span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small;">Imagine what Jesus felt like during The Passion...</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small;">Please read this article so you can be aware of how you can help someone in our situation and when you find out about a loss. Yes, it is shocking to hear, but try to get over the shock and remember this article. Please pass it on it can be applied to any age. Thank you!</span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small;">www.chicagotribune.com/news/local/ct-talk-schoenberg-column-0424-20120424,0,2535133.story</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small;">chicagotribune.com</span></h1>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small;">Don't be shocked when you meet a grieving child</span></h2>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small;">Awkward silence needn't occur upon learning of death of a parent</span></h3>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small;"><a href="http://bio.tribune.com/NaraSchoenberg">Nara Schoenberg</a></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small;">April 24, 2012</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small;">There I'd be, a teenager more or less minding her own business at a school event or a social gathering, when a well-meaning adult would start quizzing me about where I was born, how many brothers and sisters I had, and what my father did.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small;">"My dad was a doctor," I'd say. "He died."</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small;">"Oh, I'm so sorry. That's horrible," the adult would say, and then proceed to stare at me as the conversation ground to a halt.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small;">I'd be thinking: "I'm 15. You're the adult here, you brought this up, and now I'm supposed to say something to make <em>you</em> feel better?"</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small;">The answer, of course, was yes, and I got pretty good at it, but I never stopped hating the way that conversation made me feel. When I finally found a close friend who had been through the same thing, we bonded instantly over the weirdness of an adult being shocked, just shocked, that some people actually die before old age. (It's awful, yes, but it happens quite a bit, and making bereaved kids feel like freaks of nature doesn't do anyone a whole lot of good.)</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small;">My friend and I joked that we should just burst into tears the next time someone pulled the awkward silence stunt. Or maybe we could circulate together at a social event. When someone was beating themselves up for reminding one of us that he or she had lost a parent, the other one could pipe up with, "My father's dead too!" (Cue the uncontrollable sobs, in stereo.)</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small;">OK, we were 19 and stupid, but our basic logic, I think, was sound. "You want awkward? We'll give you awkward!"</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small;">A lot has changed for the better since the 1970s and '80s, when I was dealing with these issues, including the rise of bereavement centers and age-appropriate support groups, a great step forward for grieving kids. But a new New York Life Foundation/National Alliance for Grieving Children survey of kids at bereavement programs across the U.S., billed as the first study of its kind, suggests that young people are still struggling with less-than-helpful reactions.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small;">Among the study's findings: While kids identified strongly with key statements such as "The death of my loved one is the worst thing that ever happened to me" and "You never stop missing your loved one," when they were asked to choose just one statement that applied to them the most, the largest group of kids (32 percent), chose "People don't have to give me special treatment; I just want to be treated like everyone else."</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small;">That's the way I felt, and while the survey doesn't address the awkward silence issue directly, experts say it persists.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small;">"I think it's the norm," said Joe Primo, associate executive director of Good Grief, a children's bereavement center in Morristown, N.J.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small;">"As a society, we really struggle with talking about death. For most Americans, it's hard enough to have that conversation with an adult, and all of a sudden, you throw a kid into the mix, and I don't think adults have a clue where to begin."</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small;">Jill Hamilton, 49, of Palm Springs, Calif., noticed the awkward silence problem after her husband, Kelly, died last year. She's raising their children, Lauren, 11, and Brad, 14.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small;">"It would be nice for the person to say, 'What kind of person was he?' or ask something about him, not just (lapse into) dead silence," Jill Hamilton says.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small;">"<em>Awkward</em> silence!" Lauren interjects.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small;">Experts have plenty of advice for what friends and family can do to help a bereaved child (listen, ask what he or she needs, don't tell the child to stop crying), but when it comes to the specific question of the awkward silence, they say there are no easy answers.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small;">Each grieving person is different, says Andy McNiel, executive director of the National Alliance for Grieving Children, and some people complain about silences while others complain about intrusive questions.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small;">"It's almost damned if you do, damned if you don't," McNiel says. "What <em>do</em> you say? I've been working with families for 20 years now and I still will go to funerals and sound like a bumbling idiot. The truth is, there's not always a really good thing to say."</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small;">Still, I do think it would help if people educated themselves a little about the topic, starting with the basics: You have every right to be unnerved when you learn a child has lost a parent, but you don't have the right to be shocked. According to a 2009 survey by New York Life with Comfort Zone Camp, 1 in 9 Americans have lost a parent before age 20; 1 in 7 have lost a parent or sibling.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small;">If you can simply go into an introductory conversation with a child knowing that the death of a parent is a real possibility, you can probably spare yourself and others significant discomfort. You can avoid the question of parental occupation entirely, or if you choose to broach it and find out the parent in question is deceased, try a suggestion from Lauren's mother, Jill: Ask a question along the lines of, "What was (the deceased parent) like?"</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small;">"As a kid, you're proud of your parent and you love your parent and that gives you a way to talk about them that isn't tied to their death," Jill Hamilton says.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small;">Lauren brightens immediately when she's asked what her dad was like: "He was a jolly man, like Santa Claus. He had a big tummy and a big beard, and he looked like Santa Claus." He even dressed up as Santa Claus one year, she says, and gave out presents to the kids at their church.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small;">I was a cynical teen when I was mourning my dad, and Lauren is a gung-ho fifth-grader. But listening to her, I'm reminded that I, too, could prattle on merrily about my father at times, even with an adult I didn't know well.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small;">I didn't have much to say about death or loss or a specific illness, and awkward silences were pretty much guaranteed when strangers veered off in that direction. But my dad? My funny, thoughtful, crazy-smart dad was my hero, and I could have talked about him all day long.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></div>Marianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09516498106507354733noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7556685542882241184.post-42045067593598015462012-01-18T17:50:00.000-06:002012-01-18T17:50:43.536-06:00a little pity party...I'm new at this stay-at-home mom thing...and it's tough. I knew it would be tough going into it, but I keep thinking...is it the time change that's killing me? Is it because he's a horrible sleeper? Is it his new surroundings? Is it because it's just the two of us for the majority of every day? Is it because he's so clingy and needy that I can't get anything done? Is he clingy and needy because we aren't surrounded by as many people as we used to be? Is it because I had the bright idea to start potty training in the midst of all this newness? Is it because we had a few rainy days and we were stuck inside instead of being able to go outside? I don't know...but I do know that lately I've felt that all I do all day is wash the dishes, unload the dishwasher, clean the counters, sweep up crumbs and fold the laundry. That and run back to the potty each time Brooks thinks he needs to go. <br />
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Yesterday I found myself wondering how I can I live a life of purpose when it seems like I've taken on more of a role of "housekeeper" and "Brooks' playmate" rather than anything else. He whined and cried and followed me around saying he needed me to carry him. He said his tummy hurt and his bottom hurt and his leg hurt and his foot hurt. He wanted to take a nap, but when we got in his bed he wanted to play with his toys. When we went to his toys he needed to go potty. When he sat on the potty he realized he didn't need to go afterall. "Get me juice; I want you; I need a snack..." This went on all day. He was dirty from the park and wanted to take a shower...until about three-fourths of the way through it. Then he decided he didn't like showers and LOST IT screaming about how terrible they are. As my fuse continued to shorten and I thought I might lose it, I had my moment of clarity. I realized the answer to my question. My purpose during this season of my life is to teach him about Jesus through my reactions. When he deserves it the least is when I must open up my heart the most. It's not enough to emphasize "please" and "thank you" while teaching him to say, "May I please have a snack" instead of telling me to get him one. I have to look at him the way the Lord looks at us. This thought process has been enlightening and humbling and it's made me realize that this is the hardest job I will ever have. <br />
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<div class="heading passage-class-0"><h3>Lamentations 3:22-23</h3></div><div class="result-text-style-normal "> <sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-20377">22</sup> Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, <br />
for his compassions never fail. <br />
<sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-20378">23</sup> They are new every morning; <br />
great is your faithfulness. </div>Judyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01402722709539882314noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7556685542882241184.post-71401900168138204492012-01-17T01:53:00.000-06:002012-01-18T17:51:26.951-06:00a grateful heart...My two loves...<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Jhsm_Br1CTA/TxZ6Jgte1sI/AAAAAAAADfU/cLhIkx_B2so/s1600/IMG_1265.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Jhsm_Br1CTA/TxZ6Jgte1sI/AAAAAAAADfU/cLhIkx_B2so/s320/IMG_1265.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>Judyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01402722709539882314noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7556685542882241184.post-86646702957320794922012-01-11T16:21:00.000-06:002012-01-18T01:42:47.677-06:00more pictures than you'll know what to do with...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div>a few photos from the last month... <br />
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<div style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-6q_XKB8xf7c/TwvjXeoKFGI/AAAAAAAADbU/LaKHoBhxybg/s320/IMG_1004.jpg" width="320" /> </div><div style="text-align: center;">Christmas in Lubbock... </div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-cwiV-aFWzzg/TwvjcMLxFiI/AAAAAAAADbc/O8BpgKIEnQg/s1600/IMG_1025.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="279" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-cwiV-aFWzzg/TwvjcMLxFiI/AAAAAAAADbc/O8BpgKIEnQg/s320/IMG_1025.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;">one of our many "Christmas" mornings... </div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-w7LS57sBhbw/TwvjgO1q3yI/AAAAAAAADbk/KMm3P4xYTdE/s1600/IMG_1035.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-w7LS57sBhbw/TwvjgO1q3yI/AAAAAAAADbk/KMm3P4xYTdE/s320/IMG_1035.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;">rehearsal dinner with part of my family... </div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Ix27uZMDMCs/TwvjkFswBEI/AAAAAAAADbs/wFVUDwgW9X4/s1600/IMG_1037.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Ix27uZMDMCs/TwvjkFswBEI/AAAAAAAADbs/wFVUDwgW9X4/s320/IMG_1037.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;">and the Beasleys... </div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-InYXp-z439w/Twvjn9Wh5-I/AAAAAAAADb0/cgWuzZdSdvc/s1600/IMG_1039.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-InYXp-z439w/Twvjn9Wh5-I/AAAAAAAADb0/cgWuzZdSdvc/s320/IMG_1039.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;">and my friends... </div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-gdlFUqbQQpg/TwvjrSAvHmI/AAAAAAAADb8/-YgRx7C0y-g/s1600/IMG_1040.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-gdlFUqbQQpg/TwvjrSAvHmI/AAAAAAAADb8/-YgRx7C0y-g/s320/IMG_1040.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;">and my little monkey... </div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-oyVAJDsGbfE/Twvjvte4yII/AAAAAAAADcE/VbztM0ycSTI/s1600/IMG_1042.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-oyVAJDsGbfE/Twvjvte4yII/AAAAAAAADcE/VbztM0ycSTI/s320/IMG_1042.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;">Patrick and his friends... </div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-c9fRWEZ4RLo/TwvjzEEo03I/AAAAAAAADcM/23XIwg9JBtY/s1600/IMG_1045.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-c9fRWEZ4RLo/TwvjzEEo03I/AAAAAAAADcM/23XIwg9JBtY/s320/IMG_1045.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;">and my dad... </div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-xL6_mOrzuR0/Twvj2dMps0I/AAAAAAAADcU/s_AE0QpL4SA/s1600/IMG_1049.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-xL6_mOrzuR0/Twvj2dMps0I/AAAAAAAADcU/s_AE0QpL4SA/s320/IMG_1049.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;">and his dad and sister... </div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-MTyR3JPJpwM/Twvj8YlvzII/AAAAAAAADck/U-1LTBEMTwA/s1600/IMG_1055.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-MTyR3JPJpwM/Twvj8YlvzII/AAAAAAAADck/U-1LTBEMTwA/s320/IMG_1055.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;">and my mom, sister and niece... </div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-xa5nzhwAGII/Twvj-bUahII/AAAAAAAADcs/kc0MZ45Mpa0/s1600/IMG_1056.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="242" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-xa5nzhwAGII/Twvj-bUahII/AAAAAAAADcs/kc0MZ45Mpa0/s320/IMG_1056.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;">with one more of my friends... </div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-sL282kxfrqs/TwvkDT-ypSI/AAAAAAAADc0/1XTpWUG1q4A/s1600/IMG_1109.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-sL282kxfrqs/TwvkDT-ypSI/AAAAAAAADc0/1XTpWUG1q4A/s320/IMG_1109.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;">Captiva Island near Sanibel... </div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-zEzjj3laNGY/TwvkHW3HGkI/AAAAAAAADc8/HlZM85BKfy4/s1600/IMG_1121.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-zEzjj3laNGY/TwvkHW3HGkI/AAAAAAAADc8/HlZM85BKfy4/s320/IMG_1121.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;">for our getaway... </div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-SgrYs2pJGIM/TwvkMBqyL-I/AAAAAAAADdE/PAPh5eOllhw/s1600/IMG_1154.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-SgrYs2pJGIM/TwvkMBqyL-I/AAAAAAAADdE/PAPh5eOllhw/s320/IMG_1154.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;">such a great New Year's Eve... </div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-oOhH4l7F9Ic/TwvkQ0ADtTI/AAAAAAAADdM/p5cDOou3xy4/s1600/IMG_1160.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-oOhH4l7F9Ic/TwvkQ0ADtTI/AAAAAAAADdM/p5cDOou3xy4/s320/IMG_1160.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;">our last night before being full-time parents... </div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-n49FI2eq7mo/TwvkVRrB5HI/AAAAAAAADdU/AEfufFs_P_o/s1600/IMG_1173.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-n49FI2eq7mo/TwvkVRrB5HI/AAAAAAAADdU/AEfufFs_P_o/s320/IMG_1173.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;">at the airport before our sixteen-hour flight... </div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-6QP14SfqadM/TwvkaPEWFqI/AAAAAAAADdc/mNpfDdgCl6k/s1600/IMG_1176.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-6QP14SfqadM/TwvkaPEWFqI/AAAAAAAADdc/mNpfDdgCl6k/s320/IMG_1176.jpg" width="240" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;">waiting for our bags with his new daddy... </div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-JHQ-1_3eS9c/Twvke_XYrsI/AAAAAAAADdk/3tbSSGgU5pQ/s1600/IMG_1184.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-JHQ-1_3eS9c/Twvke_XYrsI/AAAAAAAADdk/3tbSSGgU5pQ/s320/IMG_1184.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"> "who came to our house while we were gone?"...</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-9D8OlOtAjKU/Twvkj8zr91I/AAAAAAAADds/Gpb_IwlF1tw/s1600/IMG_1186.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-9D8OlOtAjKU/Twvkj8zr91I/AAAAAAAADds/Gpb_IwlF1tw/s320/IMG_1186.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;">"are you SERIOUS??? again???"... </div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ISLmD_On4Rk/Twvko37WYmI/AAAAAAAADd0/VVIjyI9uoiE/s1600/IMG_1189.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ISLmD_On4Rk/Twvko37WYmI/AAAAAAAADd0/VVIjyI9uoiE/s320/IMG_1189.jpg" width="240" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;">more presents from SANTA!!! </div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-b9WSAPhd1ms/TwvksbZoNxI/AAAAAAAADd8/XGdhPl3h1CE/s1600/IMG_1191.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-b9WSAPhd1ms/TwvksbZoNxI/AAAAAAAADd8/XGdhPl3h1CE/s320/IMG_1191.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;">another Skype session telling people back home all about it...</div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-DOH7Wt-47kQ/TwvkwjmvcsI/AAAAAAAADeE/5sGK9HFLbSU/s1600/IMG_1197.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-DOH7Wt-47kQ/TwvkwjmvcsI/AAAAAAAADeE/5sGK9HFLbSU/s320/IMG_1197.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;">and showing them our new view... </div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-9asQT1cFvhE/TwvkzgpJQcI/AAAAAAAADeM/-X3OYsbpLcc/s1600/IMG_1198.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-9asQT1cFvhE/TwvkzgpJQcI/AAAAAAAADeM/-X3OYsbpLcc/s320/IMG_1198.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"> playing bubbles with Daddy as the sun came up...</div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Gu0pvT4cZxk/Twvk571JFrI/AAAAAAAADec/LMJH-Tq3eS8/s1600/IMG_1203.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Gu0pvT4cZxk/Twvk571JFrI/AAAAAAAADec/LMJH-Tq3eS8/s320/IMG_1203.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;">"I GOT IT!!!"... </div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-N_dWPddl1s8/Twvk_CTVJMI/AAAAAAAADek/tnnABczcYSk/s1600/IMG_1206.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-N_dWPddl1s8/Twvk_CTVJMI/AAAAAAAADek/tnnABczcYSk/s320/IMG_1206.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"> playing at the park right across the street...</div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-WLdcrGW3q98/TwvlKRdlbzI/AAAAAAAADe0/nOEG2rG2UJk/s1600/IMG_1213.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-WLdcrGW3q98/TwvlKRdlbzI/AAAAAAAADe0/nOEG2rG2UJk/s320/IMG_1213.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;">don't worry - he brought his bubbles... </div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-H65sqKAKQHw/TwvlP-Ul8FI/AAAAAAAADe8/9Mp06gV8JGI/s1600/IMG_1226.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-H65sqKAKQHw/TwvlP-Ul8FI/AAAAAAAADe8/9Mp06gV8JGI/s320/IMG_1226.jpg" width="240" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;">first official trip to the beach... </div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ZNuGHIoRFRE/TwvlT3DKkrI/AAAAAAAADfE/VvPMZQ3fg4A/s1600/IMG_1230.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ZNuGHIoRFRE/TwvlT3DKkrI/AAAAAAAADfE/VvPMZQ3fg4A/s320/IMG_1230.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;">thank you, LORD!!! </div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-8_KQRQXW6r8/TwvlYpC6yRI/AAAAAAAADfM/6L8w-mHoO9s/s1600/IMG_1236.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-8_KQRQXW6r8/TwvlYpC6yRI/AAAAAAAADfM/6L8w-mHoO9s/s320/IMG_1236.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">we love it here. :)</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">And in case this wasn't enough, here is a link for our wedding photos since I don't have any yet. <a href="http://www.pictage.com/client/eventPhotos.do?event=1191884&category=0&photo=261">http://www.pictage.com/client/eventPhotos.do?event=1191884&category=0&photo=261</a></div>Judyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01402722709539882314noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7556685542882241184.post-86226087559768913252012-01-10T00:12:00.000-06:002012-01-10T00:12:08.014-06:00g'day...I had every intention of updating this sooner but just haven't had the time. Since my last blog in November I've done quite a bit. I went to Australia for two weeks (with a side trip to New Zealand), I sold my condo in San Diego, I took Brooks to Lubbock to celebrate an early Christmas with the Beasleys, I quit my job, I celebrated Christmas with my family, Patrick came in town, we celebrated Christmas with Brooks, we flew to Tampa on Christmas Day to celebrate Christmas with his family, we celebrated Christmas again the next day with his sister, we had friends and family fly in town for a little celebration, we GOT MARRIED in St. Petersburg, Florida, we went on a little honeymoon down on Sanibel Island, we went back to Tampa, we flew to Dallas and then we packed up and moved to Australia. Patrick's contract is up at the end of September so Brooks and I will be living here on an extended vacation until then. So far we are all adapting well and I will post pictures soon. :)Judyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01402722709539882314noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7556685542882241184.post-68055619546322602652012-01-01T10:27:00.000-06:002012-01-01T10:27:42.583-06:002012...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">More blogs coming soon...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-aodovq6zZso/TwCHyc3jTUI/AAAAAAAADXM/dOzZ1Vcy5WY/s1600/Wedding" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="265" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-aodovq6zZso/TwCHyc3jTUI/AAAAAAAADXM/dOzZ1Vcy5WY/s400/Wedding" width="400" /></a></div><div style="text-align: left;"></div><div style="text-align: left;"></div><div style="text-align: left;"></div>Judyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01402722709539882314noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7556685542882241184.post-32316803793756577512011-11-04T22:35:00.000-05:002011-11-04T22:35:11.258-05:00life...I finished reading <i>The Lovely Bones</i> today and came across the following line written from the perspective of a girl who was killed but she had the capability to watch her family from her "heaven." The passage said, "My father dreamed that one day he might teach another child to love ships in bottles. He knew there would be both sadness and joy in it; that it would always hold an echo of me."<br />
<br />
Bittersweet. This is a word I have not just known the definition to, but I've lived its meaning and it's not fun. I lived it when people saw me with Brooks and asked if he was my only one before innocently asking if I would have more. I lived it as I completed pre-school enrollment papers for him - leaving all of the contact information for the father blank. I lived it when getting Brooks his passport and I was told by three different people that I wouldn't be able to get it for him unless my husband was there with us too. Finally I had to just tell them that his death certificate was in my purse. Ah, yes, I know bittersweet. To an extent I live it everyday. But I also know redemption.<br />
<br />
Yesterday I finished reading <i>Redeeming Love</i> and I related even moreso to the concept found there: I have been redeemed. The Lord didn't hang me out to dry; He sent me someone to live my life with and for that I will forever be grateful. My heart, which once was broken, has been repaired. It's full. It's content. <br />
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My sister got married a month ago and Patrick was able to come in town for her wedding. The Beasleys, Keith's parents, were also coming in town for her wedding and when they found out Patrick would be there they were happy because they could spend some time with him. Patrick's parents, the Copelands, also came in town for the celebration and they were able to meet the Beasleys. It was upon realizing that this situation could take place - a merging of my past with my future - that my heart was overflowing. In case that wasn't enough, both the Beasleys and the Copelands had breakfast together with Brooks the morning after the wedding. At one point we were all at my parents' house - Patrick, my parents, his parents, Keith's parents, Brooks and me - and as I watched everyone spending time together I could hardly comprehend it. I can't tell you how much it meant to me for that weekend to have happened. <br />
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My goal in the near future is to be a better blogger...we'll see. Now that I've finally sat down to write I feel like there are a million things I want to talk about. Have a good weekend. :)Judyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01402722709539882314noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7556685542882241184.post-78366252203339386962011-09-30T15:53:00.000-05:002011-09-30T15:53:35.949-05:00the bema...Last Sunday I sat through a very powerful message. It was only the first half and the second half will be this weekend on Saturday evening and two services on Sunday. I would like to encourage you to watch the video (I think it will only be online for the weekend) and if you live in the Dallas area to attend the second part in person at Bent Tree Bible Fellowship. More information should be on the website:<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.thebema.org/#/resources">http://www.thebema.org/#/resources</a> then click on the link that says CLICK HERE TO WATCH THE BEMA PART ONE. I think it's close to an hour, just so you know.Judyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01402722709539882314noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7556685542882241184.post-85215021264593402132011-09-14T22:33:00.002-05:002011-09-14T22:36:34.496-05:00<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(42, 42, 42); font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px; "><div style="line-height: 17px; ">Isabella came home with Mark on her heart. The project for the dads got her thinking a lot about her Papa. But she dealt with it so well! She really amazes me. She told me how she did a project that says Papa and there is a picture of her to put in the word. She seemed a little sad at first, and then she decided it would be a great idea to put the project in the playroom with a picture of Papa in it. How amazing is she? She also came home and drew a picture of our family and Mark with angel wings and a golf club. </div><div style="line-height: 17px; ">I picked her up today by myself so that we could spend some alone time together. What a great day I picked! I think she really needed it after today. </div><div style="line-height: 17px; ">She also mentioned to me that she heard Marks favorite song on her teachers phone...I don't know if this is true but she said it was amazing. We always find ways (and God always send us little signs) that Mark is with us...</div><div style="line-height: 17px; "><br /></div><div style="line-height: 17px; ">We went to get a dessert at La Madeline and then went to pick Anna up so she could see her school.</div><div style="line-height: 17px; ">Anna had been waiting for me for a while and was sitting on the teachers lap when we went into the classroom. I let Bella walk in without me and go up to her and you should have seen Anna's reaction...I really wish I had video of it because you would think that she had not seen us in a year...it was so heartwarming to see Anna get so excited and with tears in her eyes hugging her sister because she could not belive Isabella was in her school! Then she saw me and kept running from Isabella to me yelling our names and tearing up. It was one of the sweetest moments of my life....I can only imagine what it will feel like to see Mark again. I find peace knowing that at the end of our wonderful life here on earth we will have reunions like this in heaven with all of those that we have lost and love so much. </div><div style="line-height: 17px; "><br /></div><div style="line-height: 17px; "><br /></div></span>Marianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09516498106507354733noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7556685542882241184.post-6949700249557783402011-09-05T17:15:00.000-05:002011-09-05T17:15:06.003-05:00us...in a nutshell...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Last March Patrick and I realized that our friendship had the capability to blossom into something great. He decided to book a flight from Australia to Dallas over the Easter holiday and then we flew to Birmingham to visit some of my friends. It was important for me to see how he would interact with Brooks and vice versa.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-sMo4XMkZUzs/TmUpsy2uB2I/AAAAAAAADWY/gOWPw9KgtLc/s1600/DSC03828.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-sMo4XMkZUzs/TmUpsy2uB2I/AAAAAAAADWY/gOWPw9KgtLc/s320/DSC03828.jpg" width="320" /></a> </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">They loved each other.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">After spending more time together in Dallas I knew that the Lord was blessing me with the chance to have a traditional family and experience love in a way that I thought was gone. I called Keith's mom around the first of May to let her know that I had found someone for Brooks and me and that it was serious. I hope anyone in a similar situation is as lucky to have such a solid response given as the one I received from her.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">In June I went to Australia for three weeks. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-9DIVrs-GZs4/TmUqcFRv5cI/AAAAAAAADWg/YyRk5HFhaok/s1600/DSC04004.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-9DIVrs-GZs4/TmUqcFRv5cI/AAAAAAAADWg/YyRk5HFhaok/s320/DSC04004.jpg" width="320" /></a> </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">We had a blast...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-oJlzc_74lw8/TmUqbRJUOLI/AAAAAAAADWc/HfX9wJliyo8/s320/DSC03999.jpg" width="320" /> </div><div style="text-align: center;">and fell in love.</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">He flew to Lake Tahoe in July to join my family for a week-long family vacation. His parents flew in for the weekend and everyone enjoyed meeting and spending time with one another.</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-pVYCwlpLMt8/TmUrmhY5qNI/AAAAAAAADW4/pA939AaC3u4/s1600/IMG_0549.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-pVYCwlpLMt8/TmUrmhY5qNI/AAAAAAAADW4/pA939AaC3u4/s320/IMG_0549.jpg" width="240" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;">Patrick helped Brooks with his golf game...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-9DIVrs-GZs4/TmUqcFRv5cI/AAAAAAAADWg/YyRk5HFhaok/s1600/DSC04004.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span id="goog_475524574"></span><span id="goog_475524575"></span></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-zl0N1mtJrEk/TmUrOOAnohI/AAAAAAAADW0/GX8LD850DLk/s1600/IMG_0570.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-zl0N1mtJrEk/TmUrOOAnohI/AAAAAAAADW0/GX8LD850DLk/s320/IMG_0570.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">took him fishing...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-0Z0XB8X9RgQ/TmUrnXA-WBI/AAAAAAAADW8/a4jbXwFrW2k/s1600/IMG_0585_2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="218" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-0Z0XB8X9RgQ/TmUrnXA-WBI/AAAAAAAADW8/a4jbXwFrW2k/s320/IMG_0585_2.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">and we all just enjoyed being together.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-98BMUe4JWDU/TmUrt7o7nPI/AAAAAAAADXA/1vr4GarLYMw/s1600/IMG_0596.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-98BMUe4JWDU/TmUrt7o7nPI/AAAAAAAADXA/1vr4GarLYMw/s320/IMG_0596.jpg" width="320" /></a><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-JvEn_r2vSBE/TmUrMIaX4HI/AAAAAAAADWs/Vi32uBz8Dlc/s1600/emerald+bay.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">On this trip, Patrick spoke with my dad regarding our future...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-JvEn_r2vSBE/TmUrMIaX4HI/AAAAAAAADWs/Vi32uBz8Dlc/s1600/emerald+bay.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-JvEn_r2vSBE/TmUrMIaX4HI/AAAAAAAADWs/Vi32uBz8Dlc/s320/emerald+bay.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">so we would like to let you know...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Z0Kk2Q6xfNA/TmUsR2gFafI/AAAAAAAADXE/AMyeobbjnSk/s1600/IMG_0568.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Z0Kk2Q6xfNA/TmUsR2gFafI/AAAAAAAADXE/AMyeobbjnSk/s320/IMG_0568.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;">that we're getting married. :) Yay!<br />
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</div>Judyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01402722709539882314noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7556685542882241184.post-33706242457540878912011-08-31T21:26:00.000-05:002011-08-31T21:26:53.778-05:008.28On August 28th, 2010, Keith left his earthly body and began life anew. August 28th landed on a Sunday this year and I found myself sitting next to my mom at church. When the pastor began speaking I simply looked at my mom and said, "Are you freaking kidding me?" It was fantastic.<br />
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I want to share this sermon with you in case you're missing Keith or someone else equally as special to you. It really is good. <a href="http://www.btbfmedia.org/media/sermons/110828/110828.mp3">CLICK HERE.</a>Judyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01402722709539882314noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7556685542882241184.post-38743188046465493782011-08-14T23:30:00.001-05:002011-08-31T22:00:08.355-05:00happy birthday to you...<div class="separator" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: right;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-4pk6GNY1BJw/Tkiulslj3RI/AAAAAAAADWU/qdFSkkrF4ac/s320/IMAG0279%25281%2529.jpg" width="213" /></div><br />
Today would've been Keith's 33rd birthday. Happy birthday, Keithy. I miss him everyday but today was harder than most. I took Brooks out to celebrate and we had a really good time. We went to the Melting Pot, somewhere Keith and I had been, and had a really fun time together. As we were driving away Brooks saw one of his favorite things, the moon. He said, "The moon!!!" I said, "You know who is up with the moon? Daddy!!!" We then turned and and he said, "Can't see moon!" I looked and said, "The moon is behind us - but the moon sees us." It was at this point that I realized the metaphor. I continued to say, "The moon is watching us to make sure we're okay." And that's how it is. Keith is in the heavens....but he's watching. And he's happy. Happy birthday, Keithy. I've been wondering how they do bdays in heaven. Can't wait to see you and celebrate together. Love you tons. xoxoxJudyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01402722709539882314noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7556685542882241184.post-57306421709454923782011-06-17T21:16:00.001-05:002011-06-17T21:18:41.463-05:00a new season...I did it. I finished my school year on Wednesday. While this might not seem like quite a feat, to me, it's huge. Last summer, right around this time, I felt like the Lord was preparing me to go back to work. I had so many reservations about this, but I knew that if it was meant to be then things would fall into place. Long story short, they fell into place perfectly. More than perfectly. However, at that point there were still so many things going on that my mind couldn't comprehend how working would even be possible. Keith passed away on August 28th, 2010 and I missed the last bit of teacher in-service plus the first three weeks of school. Once I started back I remember thinking several times, "Man, I hope I can get through this year. If I can just make it to the end..." And I did!<br />
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The kids left last Thursday and at the end of the day when I was in my room by myself I looked up to the ceiling and said, "I did it, Babe. I did it." And I felt so...accomplished. More times than not I've found myself looking back this year to where I was the previous year at the same time. Last year at this time Keith was in the nursing home and his hospital trips were becoming more frequent and more serious. I've been through much since then and I've come a REALLY long way.<br />
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I'm ready to see what this next year has in store and I pray it's full of good things.Judyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01402722709539882314noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7556685542882241184.post-27023304761850214302011-05-04T15:06:00.001-05:002014-04-10T14:40:32.070-05:001B...After Keith died I had to face the realization of my situation - I no longer had a husband and Brooks no longer had a father. Deep within me I really hoped that the Lord had someone else out there for me, but of course I was unsure. Whenever I would think about it I automatically thought of this person as my #2 with Keith obviously being my #1. The more that I thought of this the more discouraged I got. I didn't want a #2, I wanted another #1. A #2 to me would be settling and, consequently, not what I wanted. <br />
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What Keith and I had was terrific. Top-notch. Solid. We spent significant amounts of time just hugging because we fit together like a puzzle. In fact, I can see the two of us in our kitchen. It's locked in my memory. We would stand there, embracing, and Keith would let out a deep breath before simply saying, "Just like a puzzle," and I would repeat, "Like a puzzle," and there we would remain. He was made for me and I was made for him. Several times we spoke about how we might not have tons of money, but we were rich in love and that's the best way for it to be. He would say, "We may not have a back yard. We don't even have our own mail box. But I have you and that's all I need." He said those types of things and he meant it. And after thinking about these things I made a decision - I was no longer looking for my #2; I wanted a 1B. I didn't want a step down; I wanted a continuation of what I had since time with my 1A was cut short.<br />
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I decided that I wanted someone of Keith's caliber and that if it wasn't possible, then I wasn't interested. I had five fantastic years of marriage and was fortunate to have conversations with Keith about how we might have loved each other more in those five years than some people love in a whole lifetime. This formed the basis and foundation of what I was looking for as I thought about what I wanted for the remainder of my life.<br />
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I quickly realized that I was not looking for someone to come in and save the day. I wasn't miserable. I was making ends meet and planning for the future. I didn't need someone to swoop in and pull me out of a terrible situation. My situation was far from ideal, but manageable, and I had come to terms that there was a really good possibility that I might've had a lifetime of marriage packed into five short years. There might not be anyone else out there for me. If that was the case then I was okay with it; I would be content knowing that what I had was real.<br />
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I also realized that what I was hoping to find was a tall order. I'm sure there is a chunk of the population that doesn't find it once so who am I to think I'll find it twice? Did this person even exist? And if so, would he understand what he's signing up for? Would he understand my situation? Would he be able to love Brooks like his own? Would he feel like he's living in Keith's shadow? Yep, a tall order for this one I was hoping to find. <br />
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At the first of this year I decided I wanted to take a trip somewhere this summer. A trip of a lifetime. I didn't know where or with whom, just that I wanted to do something BIG. I stumbled across our friend from San Diego who had recently moved to Australia and thought I might be on to something. He was Keith's friend and I really only knew him in passing. I knew a lot about him, however, because Keith LOVED him. He ended up moving away from San Diego and landed in Dallas...so Keith set him up with all his buddies. <br />
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In April of 2009 Keith had his accident. Patrick came to Austin and cried over his buddy who was laying in a hospital bed. He read him scripture and prayed over him. Later that fall, before he moved to Australia, he sat in the nursing home with Keith, Brooks and me just as many of Keith's friends did throughout his time in various hospitals. <br />
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As odd and random as it might've seemed for me to plan a trip to Australia, it always seemed completely normal. Although I didn't really know Patrick, I felt like I did because of how much Keith revered him. As my trip began unfolding, Patrick and I began communicating more and more. Suddenly there was a shift in our conversations and we both realized the magnitude of what we were dealing with. It's still very early, but I think I found my 1B. <br />
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Not all that long ago I thought that if there was somebody out there for me it would be because I was scraping the bottom of the barrel. From there I became completely content in my situation and trusted the Lord to provide in whatever shape He deemed appropriate. Never would I have imagined that He would blow my mind and knock my socks off at the same time. :)Judyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01402722709539882314noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7556685542882241184.post-31471488202247278152011-04-20T15:01:00.008-05:002011-04-20T23:51:21.021-05:00My Marathon...I did something on March 27<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">th</span>, that I have been wanting to do since the day Mark passed: I attended the Rock n Roll Half Marathon - the 1/2 marathon Mark ran last year. I went with my dear friends Miles and Sarah Durham. We got there late and stayed for about 2 hours. We worked our way to the finish line and a nice police officer took us to the paramedics' tent right at the finish line. My heart pounded being there and I know that this is what Mark lived during the last seconds he was on this earth. I felt very close to him.<br /><div><br /></div><div>Last summer I went to "the site" and it was so surreal. Right next to where I was told Mark <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">collapsed</span> there was a pole with a yellow sign on it with a big black "9" and the word "yellow". When we were there, I turned to Sarah and said "Wow, it's like he is here saying hello!" The number 9 was Mark's trademark through all his athletic events - he even marked his golf balls with a red or black 9. </div><div><br /></div><div>At the time I was blown away with that I saw, but it brought so much comfort. It is signs like this that kept me going all year - and they have not stopped. There have been WAY too many to list here...some people refer to them as "God's winks,"...I like that.</div><div><br /></div><div>Even though you see those signs, sometimes you think that those things happen to get you through that moment, but the more they happen to me the more I see God's reassurance and I hear Him say - "Don't doubt that I am here." So I obey.</div><div><br /></div><div>Back to the marathon - I asked around to see if I could speak with a paramedic that was there last year. When I told them who I was they looked at me like I was crazy for being there. Finally, one of the paramedics (actually the second one to get to him) spoke to me. She was very nice and tried to remember as many details as she could. She showed me exactly where he fell, what his symptoms were, and answered the most important thing to me - Did he have a chance to know what was happening? She said that he probably did not know what was happening, but that he was conscious enough to hear them tell him that he did finish the race and I know that in those few seconds he thought of my girls and me and God. </div><div><br /></div><div>I was also able to get the images I have been living with for the past year (ones that I had created) out of my mind and saw what he actually lived, breathed, heard, smelled and saw for the last hours of his life up to the last seconds. </div><div><br /></div><div>So as all of this is happening, Brett <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Michael</span> (yes, from Poison), is playing in the background and screaming in his typical manner. Of course, this kind of ruined the mood a little and broke up the seriousness of what I was experiencing. This is something that has <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">happened</span> to me throughout this whole year - when I want to get really down Mark won't let me (most of the time).</div><div><br /></div><div>We stood there for about an hour and a half or so and before the last couple of runners crossed the finish line the police officer let Sarah, Miles, and me cross the finish line. We stood where they told us it all went down. We said a prayer and right then "Every Rose has a Thorn" started playing. Mark played this on the guitar ALL the time. It was perfect. I was actually thankful for Brett <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">Michaels</span> at that moment. Miles got a medal for me and told me I deserved it after the year I have had and what I have accomplished. </div><div><br /></div><div>We then saw the last person cross the finish line and the very peppy cheerleader finish off the race and ride off on the hood of the pace car. We joked about how she might have been Mark's last thought - she had a lot of energy! The mood was good and I felt so released from the past year. I don't know how to describe it, and please know I hope this does not offend anyone, but I felt like I could start my life again.</div><div><br /></div><div>I have felt Mark with me at ALL times. This time, as I was leaving the fairgrounds, I felt him say to me that he would be with me, but in a different way now. To live my life, to close the book on the suffering and loss and instead remember the great life he led and we shared together. To take care of the girls and myself, to look forward to my life. And the greatest thing - that he was <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">okay </span>with that.<br /></div><div><br /></div><div>As we walked out of there, I felt renewed. I never thought that going to the marathon would give me this much peace, but it did. God works in such mysterious ways. You just have to be open to receiving His grace. It is abundant!!!</div><div><br /></div><div>I waited a couple of weeks to share this experience because I wanted to make sure it was true. That the grief I have felt has been lifted up. So far, even though I have missed him, I feel like Mariana again, as <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">opposed</span> to the <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">grieving</span> young widow and mom of 2. Don't get me wrong, this is very difficult but I felt <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">re-energized</span> and capable to live my life. I feel we have adjusted. </div><div><br /></div><div>It feels good to breathe again and most of all, continue to feel the hope, faith and trust I have learned to live with this past year. Regardless of what happens, I know He will provide. </div><div><br /></div><div>I do want to mention that I could not have gotten to this stage of my life without the help and support of all of my friends, family and people I do not even know. The power of prayer is amazing and it has carried me through this experience. As always, I want to thank all of you for every prayer and support given to us. When I have my down and challenging days, I offer it up for all of you who have prayed for us, that you may see God's grace as clearly as I have. </div><div><br /></div><div>Please continue to keep us in your prayers as we enter this next year of our lives...</div><div></div><div><br /></div>Marianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09516498106507354733noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7556685542882241184.post-81480511649363713492011-04-01T11:41:00.001-05:002011-04-01T11:58:22.974-05:00questions...<span style="color: black; font-family: inherit;">An old friend of mine recently experienced a loss at the high school where he coaches. A student in the senior class was in a condition similar to Keith's and ended up passing away after a couple of months in that condition. He emailed me wanting to know certain things and after responding I wondered if other people might benefit from me sharing our conversations. I copied and pasted the communication then realized it was super lame and decided against sharing it. When I told him I changed my mind about sharing it he told me that I should because it really might be helpful. I was very frank in my responses and was going to tone them down for this so I don't end up sounding like a total a-hole, but figured if I was sharing my honest thoughts to him then I should share my honest answers on here. He told me that the bluntness is what makes the answers effective and that the truth is our friend and should be embraced. This is just my take on my situation and I know that everyone views and appreciates things differently. How I thought and what annoyed me might have been what got someone else through a similar situation so please know that nothing is meant to offend. Anyway, this is it and please remember that the responses were to someone I am very comfortable with. If I was responding to someone different I would've been much more polite. Feel free to read it if you so desire:</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Okay - I'll do my best to answer these. Although very similar, my situation was also very different based on the amount of time that passed. If Keith would've passed away just after two months I don't really know how I would feel. Actually, he was dying (one of the seven times) close to that timeframe. In July he suffered massive heart failure and I was told he wouldn't make it through the night. He also had the same blood infection that Luke had except he acquired it in May as I was giving birth to Brooks. I was told I couldn't even see him even though I was just three floors up because the infection was so severe. I digress...</span><br />
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<em><span style="font-family: inherit;">What did you want to hear? Was it simply people's presence or words?</span></em><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I didn't really want to hear anything. People are stupid and they don't know what to say so they end up rambling and making no sense. To me, the only people that get it are those who have been through something similar and they are the ones who speak the least. Just knowing people were there if I needed them was enough. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<em><span style="font-family: inherit;">What encouraged you? What gave you hope?</span></em><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">See, this is going to be TOTALLY different for them. I was encouraged that I could regain my life and move forward. I believe that I will have a second shot at a happy home because I'm still relatively young and Brooks is awesome. I had and still have hope that the Lord has someone else out there for me. However, that family will probably not ever have another son. It's probably like the Beasleys. Keith is gone and that's all they have. In all honesty, it would be extremely difficult in that situation. I mean, what do you hope for? That they come back? That you don't forget the memories because that's all you have? I don't know. I guess you fall back on the fact that as Christians you will see them again so you know it's only a matter of time before that happens. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<em><span style="font-family: inherit;">Was there a sense of relief, closure, bitterness (the range)?</span></em><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">MAJOR relief. Major. It was time and I believe we both knew that. I think that somewhere deep within Keith knew Brooks and I would be okay if he left us and deep within I knew Keith needed to be made whole. My biggest fear was that Keith would remain in that condition forever - or at least until we were grandparents or something. If that was the case, I knew what my future held for me and it wasn't exactly encouraging. I couldn't make plans, I couldn't go out of town, I couldn't do anything because I never knew when Keith would have a downturn and end up back in the ER, then ICU, then who knows where. When I drive by places where Keith was admitted - Baylor Hospital, the nursing home, Select Specialty Hospital - I still blow kisses towards the building, think of him and say, "I miss you, Babe," but I am SO GRATEFUL that I can keep on driving to wherever it is that I'm headed.</span><br />
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<em><span style="font-family: inherit;">Our school is devastated and we even had counselors in to tell the faculty what to say, what not to say, how to respond to the questions. </span></em><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I would LOVE to know what the counselors told you guys to say and not say. Please indulge...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<em><span style="font-family: inherit;">He was admired by all and folks are just stunned. I don't know if the time itself helped (not losing him right away)? However, maybe you can answer that for me as well. The loss sucks, but I wonder if the time in the coma helped others reconcile - being able to still talk, caress, pray with and for, read to and stuff like that.</span></em><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Yes, the time helped FOR SURE. Because it was so sudden, the time allowed me to wrap my brain around what was happening and let me get used to being on my own. I still had Keith there so I could go and talk to him, cuddle with him, and try to hash out our situation even though he couldn't respond. The more I did that the more I realized that I COULD do it without him. I wouldn't trade those 18 months for anything. However, I wouldn't wish them upon anyone either. My situation worked for me and it was what I needed to be able to deal with everything. I can't help but believe that your friends had the length of time specific to their needs as well. At least that's what I hope. </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">I hope this is what you were looking for and that it helps in some way. If my answers produced more questions then send 'em over. :)</span><br />
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<em><span style="font-family: inherit;">I think the Srs to whom Luke was close go day to day and are now struggling with the guilt of enjoying themselves, having fun, etc. It was tough because he was such a dynamic young man, ton of integrity. He just drew people to him. He was a starter in baseball, football, basketball and in fine arts as well. Stud. The next big Sr markers: graduation, Sr trip, those might be tough. </span></em><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">If it comes up, tell them there should be NO guilt. Luke would want them to have fun and do things the same as if he was there doing it with them. Of that I am sure. Oh, ha, that reminds me of another thing that people did that was SO ANNOYING. They would send me forwards of stuff that was really lame. The one that comes to mind based on what you said about him is a poem about how God only takes the best. That's how he chooses who to call Home - only the best. It said how Heaven needed that person more than the people left on Earth. This type of stuff drove me crazy because 1) it's lame and 2) it's foundationally wrong. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: black;"><em>You had a great trip to *<b><span style="font-weight: bold;">Eden</span></b>* I see! How are you these days?</em></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">The Virgin Islands were SO MUCH FUN. Jessica and I had a blast. It was tough, though, because that was one of the last trips I took with Keith. Jessica and I stayed at the same house and ended up doing a lot of the same stuff (restaurants, beaches, etc) from when I was there before so it's like I saw Keith everywhere. However, by doing that I think I am crossing bridges that will ultimately take me to where I want to be. </span><br />
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<em>I think what was most striking/cringe-worthy was the 'prophecies' the family received and probably you, too. "Your son will wake up on the 40th day!" Uh, no, he didn't and he died on the 72nd day. I know folks meant well, but that stuff in the midst of our prayers may have been a buoy to them for a moment.</em><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">The prophecies and visions made it much more difficult. I've wondered about it because on one hand it gave me hope, but on the other hand the people were wrong. Hope is good, but it made it that much harder once Keith was gone. Of course the people meant well, but it was still a pretty crappy deal. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><em>We got the news on the way home from a baseball game and I had one of his best friends in the car with me. I told him and he just sobbed all the way home. You know, Luke was essentially ‘gone’ but the finality of that moment really struck me. For you, what was that moment like when it was ‘final’?</em></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The final moment...ahhhhhhh...it was one that I dreaded. I didn't want to be there. Of course I was each time they said it was happening, but I never wanted to actually see it. I would go to be there for Keith, but deep down I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to see him take his last breath and realize he would never take another. It's not how I wanted to remember him. Consequently, the day it happened I wasn't there. His mom was at the nursing home and the nurses asked her to step out while they bathed him. He passed away during the bath. When she came back in she said that he looked different, something was different. She called me immediately and said, "Judy, honey, you need to get up here now." I could tell by her voice that something was different. I knew what was going down and I took my time getting ready. I didn't just change clothes real fast, I decided what I wanted to wear. It was really strange because I thought: what am I going to wear the last time I see Keith? I did this before at the hospital when I stopped his medicine and blood pressure medication. His family flew in and I remember wearing my shirt that appropriately says: Save Me. Anyway, the phone rang a minute or two later - not more than five - and I was simply told, "He's gone." My shoulders relaxed and I let out a deep breath. My mom gave a loud wail and we hugged while she said, "He's at peace. He's whole. He's with the Lord." Then I dried my hair and went up to see his body. It's a very strange and surreal situation. It's so crazy to me that I even have that story to tell. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><em>So, is it cathartic to go through the details of the 'day' or does it just suck the life out of you? Yeah, when do you start to process "I'm available"?</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: navy;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: black;">Nope, not cathartic. At least not yet. It just pretty much blows - for lack of a better term. I found out the other day that he's still frozen. That sucked too. It's exhausting. Takes a bunch out of me. I actually blogged about it earlier since my wheels were turning after emailing you.</span> </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><em>Thanks again for taking the time to respond. Cory and I pray for you often and my prayer specifically for you is for Brooks to have a father that loves God so much that all he can do is have that love pour out to you and Brooks…and that he has lots of money!</em></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Hahahaha - keep that prayer going...I like it. You hit the nail on the head! :)</span>Judyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01402722709539882314noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7556685542882241184.post-89483550915891867202011-03-30T11:00:00.000-05:002011-03-30T11:00:26.351-05:00where I'm coming from...My sister and I went to St. Thomas for spring break. We had a really great time and it was a trip I needed to take. See, this was one of the last vacations Keith and I took together and when the opportunity presented itself for Jessica and me to go, I really wanted to make it happen. We stayed at the same place and ended up doing a lot of the same things that Keith and I did a few years before. This was difficult at first because it was as if I saw Keith everywhere I looked. The house we stayed in overlooks a golf course. As I looked out toward the water, my mind saw Keith with his friends hitting golf balls. As Jessica and I went to different beaches I saw Keith sitting in the sand smiling at me. Winking at me. Loving me. This was both hard and healing. <br />
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Once I was back my dad received a letter regarding my grandmother, the one who passed away in February. Her body was donated to science, as was Keith's, and the letter was asking for direction on where to send her remains. It stated that if they do not hear back within forty-five days then her ashes will be spread in their memorial garden. <br />
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My brain froze. Did I get a letter like this? I didn't think so. But maybe I did? What if it was when I was so overloaded with paperwork that I didn't open it or never saw it to begin with? Is Keith in their garden? This made me sick to my stomach and I didn't know how to proceed. After a day-long funk I realized I had to call and see what the status was. I thought other phone calls I made were tough, but this was one of the worst. <br />
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I called the medical center and told them I needed to the know the status of someone who was brought there. I mean, really, how do you word this? She looked it up and told me that Keith had not been cremated. I responded by saying, "What does that mean?" Obviously I know what that means, but I was at such a loss as to how to ask what I wanted to know: Where is he and what condition is he in? I don't know for certain, but her guess was that due to Keith's age and maybe his condition, he would be used in some sort of military course to help with those types of injuries. He will remain frozen until this course becomes available. <br />
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I hate thinking about this. It's like as soon as I feel like I'm making real progress and moving on I find out something like this. I really hate my initial reaction: If his body is still here, then maybe I can go see him. Who thinks this? And if I'm really honest, I hate my reaction to my reaction as I try to justify why it's not a sick thought to have: It's pretty much like how he was for over a year, except frozen, and I really want to see him. It's totally sick and I hate that my thoughts even go there. Because it's sick. Of course I don't want to see Keith like that. I want to burn those images into my brain of him sitting on the beaches of St. Thomas and St. John smiling at me. Winking at me. Loving me. <br />
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That's what I want to remember and that's what I'll never forget. Judyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01402722709539882314noreply@blogger.com7