Wednesday, February 16, 2011

my grandma...

My grandma is going to die today.  I got a call from my mom yesterday as I was driving home from the gym.  She told me to hurry home because my grandma had a massive stroke and they were careflighting her to the hospital.  After I got home we learned that they were actually careflighting her to a stroke recovery hospital in Dallas which meant my family would all get to see her sooner.  It turns out she had a brain aneurysm and consequently was suffering a massive brain bleed, the worst one a person can have.  She was put on a ventilator and we were told she would not recover.

As the nurse spoke I hated that my family was in a situation that seemed all too familiar only with another loved one in the hospital bed.  I hate that we knew what questions to ask.  I hate that we understood everything she was saying.  I hate that we all had to politely nod as she explained about brain swelling and what happens when the pressure begins to affect the brain stem.  I hate that my dad had to spend another night in ICU.  I hate that this will be the third death in my family in six months.  But I'm glad that we were able to go and tell her goodbye and that we'll be there as she takes her last breath this afternoon.  I'm glad that I have thirty years of memories with her.  I'm glad that I saw her on Saturday and the first thing she asked me about was a trip I'm taking this summer.  I'm going to visit a friend, he really is just a friend, and she said, "Tell me about this boy you're going to see?"  I said, "What do you want to know?"  She said, "Is he attractive?"  I said, "Actually, he's extremely attractive."  She said, "So is he going to move here?"  I laughed and said, "Grandma, he's just a friend."  Then she said, "You need somebody local.  You need to find someone who will take you out to dinner.  Because men that take you out to dinner are fun."  And then she giggled.  I'm glad that that is one of the last things she said to me in addition to telling me she loved me.  And I'm glad that SHE was out to dinner - with her man-friend - having fun as she experienced her last earthly thoughts.  But most of all, I'm glad that the Lord chose her to be my grandmother.  I will miss her dearly but rejoice knowing I will see her again.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

the weekend of love...

Mariana and I had plans to go out on Friday night.  As we were determining good days to go it took a little while to realize it was Valentines Day weekend...oh well, we thought, no big deal.  In theory, the two of us going out for a low-key night on the town seems very normal - people do it all the time.  However, the surreal-ness of our situations creeps up during times like this and the magnitude of what we're dealing with makes it hard to wrap our brains around.

We were sitting downtown at Victor Tangos having a good time when the parallel of a different time was realized.  It's something we would have been doing ten years ago in Lubbock but with a totally different mindset.  Who would have thought that so much could have changed in that length of time?  Ten years ago we were in college with nothing but high hopes for our futures.  We had both met the men we would marry and the world was ours.  We led happy lives, loved wholeheartedly and started families.  Life was good.  Then our husbands died and we were left to fend for ourselves on behalf of our family that remained.  So rather than get upset about this, we laughed and we joked.  We told happy stories and started making new dreams for our new futures.   We talked about how even if we met some cute boys we couldn't have them go to the next place with us because there were too many car seats in the car and no one could fit.  And we were thankful that out of everything we could've done that night, we wanted to go out somewhere different and fun rather than meeting at the neighborhood Applebee's or nowhere at all simply for the fact that this weekend is the weekend of love and our loves are no longer with us.  Yes, we are the girls in unimaginable situations but we are doing our best to move on and regain some of the footing that was lost.  Happy Day of Love, everyone.  xoxox

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Approaching 1 year...

Well, this month will be 11 months...I remember everything we did the whole month of January and February last year mainly because we were so happy and so many things were starting to change for us. We had big plans and we were excited about them. Our baby girl turned 1 year old and we were so in love with our daughters.
He was also traveling a lot and missed a lot of fun things with the girls and I and I missed him being gone. I could not wait for him to be home. At the same time I was getting myself ready for him being gone for 6 weeks and travel more frequently.
Little did I know then that God was preparing me for this. But looking back at all the emotions that I went through exactly a year ago I am amazed at how God prepared me in a way. There are too many things that happened exactly a year ago to list here, but just trust me when I say it is amazing.

My relationship with God has changed too. I have not been able to go to Bible study or immerse myself in any kind of study or prayer group right now - even quite time. I am too raw. Too much talking or too much quite time are not good for me right now. And I am ok with that. I know my limit. But I do feel such a sense of comfort in that I do not feel farther away from God in any way. Instead I feel like the "Footprints in the Sand" poem.
I feel like I am completely in the hands of God and He is carrying us through this journey of healing. I feel that He is in everything we do everyday. He hears every cry I send his way, every heart ache I endure during the days. He is in my girls life and heart. I know that the path God leads us on will be good. I don't know what that path is and it might be something completely different from what I envision for us right now, but that is why I am learning to live in the present. God is truly taking care of us.

I am also relating to Judy's last post. I feel like my "time" is running out because in one month I will no longer be able to say that we did such and such thing with him last year. Time is moving on and we have new pictures and new memories now that do not include him. That hurts me to the bone. But it is life and we are survivors. We are still here and we have a purpose so we must continue to make a life full of memories. We will very often go back to the days when Papa was here (this is how we have been referring to them lately) and we will always remember him and love him.
There have been so many times where I can see Isabella thinking of him and I know what she is thinking because it is the same thing I think about...what he would be doing or saying at that moment. I can hear him nonstop in my head - the silly comments he would say about stuff, his mannerisms, how he would react to the girls. I sometimes feel he is looking over my shoulder at stuff with me. She tells me that she hears him and he tickles her. I guess these are ways our minds and hearts find to soothe our souls and make it more bearable. At these times we always manage to come out smiling :)

The biggest shock to me is how I have survived not seeing or touching the love of my life for almost a year. When I put it in one phrase like that I can't breathe and I feel my heart skip a us unbearable pain that you feel deep down - the reality of it. Then I swallow and remind myself I will see him again.

Thank you for reading and following our stories. I hope that I am able to help those of you going through hard times. I hope that all the readers have made the most of the time with loved ones.

God bless and thank you for your prayers. Please continue to pray for us especially for this next 2 months.