I'm feeling overwhelmed. I don't like feeling overwhelmed and it seems that lately it's been lurking around every corner. There is still so much on my plate and I wonder when things will start to thin out. I feel like I'm tired ALL the time. I go to sleep tired only to wake up tired only to do it all again the next day with the same results...being tired. My brain is still mush and on a good day I feel that I might retain 50% of what happens. When will this end so things can return to normal...or is this it? Is this my new normal? Lord, I hope not.
Some times I feel confident about the future and other times I go to the gym, look around, and then quickly pray that I'm not looking at a random sampling of what's out there in my age bracket. Are my choices like this: bald head or mohawk? meat head or mushy belly? tattoos or tank top? Ugh. No thank you. My choice: none of the above.
Then I realize that I'm borrowing trouble. This is nothing for me to concern myself with right now - this is for me to put in the Lord's hands and trust that He has guided me this far and will continue to do so.
However, in the meantime, some days are hard when I realize what I'm up against. I was eating sushi with a friend the other night and all of the sudden I realized that I don't know how to eat with chopsticks. Well, not all of the sudden, I've always known I can't do it, but it never mattered. Keith would always order the kids chopsticks for me or the little plastic spring you can attach to regular chopsticks. It wasn't a big deal, it's just something we always did. But now I realize that I would look pretty lame being thirty-one asking for the plastic spring so I can make my chopsticks work. And I would look EVEN LAMER asking for a fork at a sushi restaurant. It's here - this moment - that I realize I'm starting over in more ways than just life without Keith. I'm entering a scene that I have been away from FOR YEARS and I have no idea how to do it. So I trust. I trust in the One who has brought me here; I lean on Him knowing that I can't do it by myself.