Wednesday, September 15, 2010

the rings...

Obviously parting with your wedding rings after your spouse is gone can be tough. It's common for widows/widowers to continue wearing them for however long they feel comfortable and, to me, that's very normal. However, I am running into another problem. I had no problem putting my rings away. In fact, it was hit or miss that I had them on in the first place...even before Keith's accident.

Both Keith and I felt more comfortable without jewelry. One of the first things we would both do upon entering our house was remove our ring(s), watch and necklace (me); we just didn't prefer to wear jewelry if we didn't have to. In fact, it wasn't uncommon for one of us to ask the other if we were going to be married before leaving to go somewhere. If the answer was yes then we would both put our rings on. If it was no, then our rings would stay. It didn't matter to us if we had our rings on, but if one did then the other did too.

After his first funeral I put my rings in the box where Keith's ring has been and I haven't thought about taking them out. However, for the first time today, my ring finger seemed exposed. It felt naked. It felt like something was missing and, to be completely honest, I felt like I had big arrows pointing to my finger screaming, "Ask me why I'm not married!!!" I know I'm giving myself WAY too much credit as to how much people are paying attention to me, but here's the strange thing...even feeling that way I don't want to take my rings out and put them on. I don't want to sport my engagement ring with the matching band. I get that my life with Keith is over and I don't have a lingering desire to make it last a little bit longer by wearing my rings. But I don't want to put on another ring to take its place either to cover up the feeling of being exposed. I didn't see that one coming. I have several rings that I LOVE and wore on my ring finger before I was engaged, but I'm not sure I can wear them just yet. In a weird way it's like my scarlet letter. I want to cover it up...I just can't.


Mariana said...

Judy, for me it took a couple of months. I forget how long now, but I think it was close to 4. Mark and I NEVER took our rings off. I could not wear it around my neck because Bella told me not to, she told me it was my ring and it was to go on my hand. It was 4 months of me loving on my ring and NEVER wanting to take it off. I was still very much in denial still. I then reached a point where I would get mad when I looked at it on my hand. I felt I was lying to myself because when I came home, he was no longer here, he was no longer coming home in the evening to us, to dance and have dinner as we always did. It was making me mad. I was not able to put it away though - so I wore it on my right hand for a month. Then I was finally able to part with it. Now, I have 2 bare hands, and like you, I was able to wear rings before. Now, my hands are not too accepting of a ring - on any finger. I do feel a sense of vulnerablitiy not having a wedding band and 2 little girls with me. It is like it says "Hi, I don't have anyone here to protect me or watching out for me - I am exposed and vulnerable". I hate it. I have thought of wearing a fake for when I feel like that but then I am reminded of my FAITH and that I have to know God is working things out for a better me and better tomorrow.

James F said...

i remember how much flack we gave keith about his band. it was because we were jealous that we couldn't pull it off or didn't think of it ourselves.