Well, this month will be 11 months...I remember everything we did the whole month of January and February last year mainly because we were so happy and so many things were starting to change for us. We had big plans and we were excited about them. Our baby girl turned 1 year old and we were so in love with our daughters.
He was also traveling a lot and missed a lot of fun things with the girls and I and I missed him being gone. I could not wait for him to be home. At the same time I was getting myself ready for him being gone for 6 weeks and travel more frequently.
Little did I know then that God was preparing me for this. But looking back at all the emotions that I went through exactly a year ago I am amazed at how God prepared me in a way. There are too many things that happened exactly a year ago to list here, but just trust me when I say it is amazing.
My relationship with God has changed too. I have not been able to go to Bible study or immerse myself in any kind of study or prayer group right now - even quite time. I am too raw. Too much talking or too much quite time are not good for me right now. And I am ok with that. I know my limit. But I do feel such a sense of comfort in that I do not feel farther away from God in any way. Instead I feel like the "Footprints in the Sand" poem.
I feel like I am completely in the hands of God and He is carrying us through this journey of healing. I feel that He is in everything we do everyday. He hears every cry I send his way, every heart ache I endure during the days. He is in my girls life and heart. I know that the path God leads us on will be good. I don't know what that path is and it might be something completely different from what I envision for us right now, but that is why I am learning to live in the present. God is truly taking care of us.
I am also relating to Judy's last post. I feel like my "time" is running out because in one month I will no longer be able to say that we did such and such thing with him last year. Time is moving on and we have new pictures and new memories now that do not include him. That hurts me to the bone. But it is life and we are survivors. We are still here and we have a purpose so we must continue to make a life full of memories. We will very often go back to the days when Papa was here (this is how we have been referring to them lately) and we will always remember him and love him.
There have been so many times where I can see Isabella thinking of him and I know what she is thinking because it is the same thing I think about...what he would be doing or saying at that moment. I can hear him nonstop in my head - the silly comments he would say about stuff, his mannerisms, how he would react to the girls. I sometimes feel he is looking over my shoulder at stuff with me. She tells me that she hears him and he tickles her. I guess these are ways our minds and hearts find to soothe our souls and make it more bearable. At these times we always manage to come out smiling :)
The biggest shock to me is how I have survived not seeing or touching the love of my life for almost a year. When I put it in one phrase like that I can't breathe and I feel my heart skip a beat...it us unbearable pain that you feel deep down - the reality of it. Then I swallow and remind myself I will see him again.
Thank you for reading and following our stories. I hope that I am able to help those of you going through hard times. I hope that all the readers have made the most of the time with loved ones.
God bless and thank you for your prayers. Please continue to pray for us especially for this next 2 months.