life in pictures...

I hesitate to write anything like this because these feelings are not my norm.  Sometimes when I put stuff like this people misinterpret it and think I'm in a really dark spot and I'm not.  It becomes annoying enough that I would rather not put anything at all, however, these are honest thoughts and I want to share them so I will.

My mom has a very dear friend who lost her only child around seven years ago.  It was 2004 and we found out about his accident during one of my wedding showers.  Ironically, he and Keith were both taken to the same ICU hall of the same hospital in Austin although years apart.  I was browsing through Facebook the other day and I saw an album that she had entitled "Sweet Memories".  That's probably where I came up with the title of my last blog, although I did not do it intentionally.  Anyway, I looked through the pictures of her son and as I looked it hit me.  I thought, "He looks so young!  I can't believe how young he looks!"  Then my brain stopped.  That's how it works with me.  I'll be doing something seemingly harmless when a connection is made and then my brain freezes.  Everything stops and it's as if everything that has stopped is channeled into a piercing correlation of what that means for Keith and me.

As I scrolled through pictures of Jeff and Jeff with his daughter and Jeff with his parents I got it.  I understood what was in my future.  He looks young because we are older.  Everyone is getting older but him.  And Keith.  And anyone else that is no longer with us.  Their age is frozen and they will never get any older.  A friend of ours emailed a picture of Keith and me at the Alamo Bowl when Texas Tech played Iowa back in 2002 or somewhere around there.  When I saw it I thought, "Man, we look like babies; we were so young."  Eventually that statement will ring true for every picture I have of Keith...and I have a lot.  I'll get older and he never will. 

Again, just for clarification, these things happen every so often but then I move on.  I don't dwell on them and force myself into a funk realizing that Keith will never have another birthday.  I continue to move forward and I believe these things are all a part of that process.

sweet memories...

I'm not sure what made me think about it, but my mind was taken back to a night that happened several years back.  Prior to this night Keith had told me that he heard a song and he really wanted me to listen to it.  This wasn't uncommon so I didn't really think anything of it.  One of our favorite places in San Diego was World Famous, a restaurant right on the water.  They had dollar shrimp or dollar lobster tacos two nights a week and we were there almost as often.  On one of these occasions we were driving into Pacific Beach to eat, the sun was setting over the ocean, and the song came on.  He told me that he couldn't listen to it without having tears form in his eyes.  As I listened to it I was speechless.  As the tears formed in my eyes too I told him that it was as if he wrote it for me...every part.  This stuff makes me miss Keith more than I normally do, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.

praying for peace...

The time that I come up with the best things to say on a post is usually when I am getting the girls down and my mind is starting to wind down. I am usually too tired to get back up and get on the computer. But usually I recall the great moments of the day and then as I am dozing off I realize all over again what has happened and how Mark is not waiting for me downstairs and sometimes I just flash back to being back in the hospital. I don't cry much but tears do stream down as I relive those first 2 weeks.
Today was a tough day. It snowed here in Dallas and it was fun, but really hard at the same time. For those of you who knew how Mark was, you know what he would have been doing today - it would have been a perfect family day. No golf today - too cold, so he would have been 100% enjoying the full day with us. It would have started out with a full buffet of breakfast foods, followed by going out in the snow and starting a snowman with his girls. Then hot chocolate and a nap with football in the background. Then another round of snow and playing hide and seek and other silly games in the house. We would have done some chores and just enjoyed each other. Probably worked on our goals for the year.
Well, as most days, I did what we would have done (and most days it is fun and we create new memories) but today it was just hard. We did go out in the snow and had a good time - but it was just hard to do. I imagined him the whole day and then that lead to the ugly feeling of being mad. Today I just became mad - and that is not my personality so then I was just moody. And I got moodier as the day went because I could not get a break and I still had to care for my daughters, smile and not pass on my moodiness to them. When I read this and say it out loud I see how "whiny" it sounds. God has blessed me a lot and I know this. But today I am giving my feelings their place.
I am mad. I am not mad at God, but I am questioning certain things. I don't understand why He would give us such wonderful girls and have them grow up with out a dad. I am mad we have to tell the same story again and again to keep his memory alive, I am mad that I could not play in the snow the way I wanted to, I am mad that he is not here, I am mad that I cry in my daughters bed at night, I am mad that I am having to make such big decisions by myself all the time, I am mad that there are so many unknowns, I am mad that my friendships have all been affected by this, I am mad that my loss is what is the focus is daily, I am mad that I am writing in this blog because of what has happened, I am mad that I know what Myocarditis is, I am mad that my girls are growing up so fast and this made them grow up even faster, I am mad that I have no chance of having another baby, I am mad that everywhere I look or hear something, something reminds me of him or that he is no longer with us. I AM MAD.
I know I will be fine, I know that. I know this is a valley I am in and I will come out of it, but that does not change this feeling. I am so mad that I am going through the feeling because it is so typical of what they say of the grieving steps. Anger is part of it. I am so mad that I am even going through this process.
As much as it is going to hurt to go through change, I am ready for change...a different house, a different drive home, new acquaintances. I want to feel loved, love and be loved again. I want to have a connection with an adult again. I know what Mark wants for me and I am at peace with that. I am just ready for things to happen. I pray for God to continue to heal me and those around me.

2011...

Oh what a difference a year makes...seriously.  Last year I spent New Years Eve sitting in a hospital bed with Keith; he was in ICU and in pretty bad shape.  On New Years day the doctor ordered all kinds of testing so I got to anxiously await the results ~ he had a spinal tap, a CT scan of his head, probably one of his organs too (I can't remember), an echocardiogram and some other stuff.  I very vividly remember thinking, "If today indicates how my year is going to go then I'm SCREWED."

Last night I took Brooks over to my sister's and we had a nice low key evening.  He played toys while we played Scrabble and everyone had a good time.  This morning we woke up and went to a party.  I was able to spend good, quality time with friends I don't see often enough and Brooks had a FANTASTIC time playing with all of the other kids.  It was pretty close to perfect.  If today indicates how my year is going to go then I'm going to be okay; I can't tell you how nice it is to think that and actually believe it.  A year ago I had no idea if I would ever resume a "normal" life again and, sure enough, now I'm back to taking stupid pictures and doing things I would have done before Keith's accident.  I'm me again.

Happy New Year, everyone.  :)

Christmas Cards and Christmas message...

This year I decided to pass on sending my yearly Christmas card. At first, I thought I would send it out, but I have been so overwhelmed with things to do that I realized it would be too much pressure on me to pick the right picture and words to send out on time. We took some "new" family pictures but it has been hard to look at them. This is a new phase we are entering. I remember what we did exactly a year ago - and so does Bella. Today she said "remember last Christmas when I wore my Santa dress and we went to the mall to see the firework ice skating Santa with Papa?". Wow. She remembers so much right now.

I did not know that receiving Christmas cards would be so hard. It is not that it is hard to see the cards - I actually love seeing all my friends and family and how much the kids grow. And it makes me happy to see so many people I love happy. What has been so hard every time I open my mailbox has been all the different ways I am being addressed. I have had it all.

The Austry Family (which I prefer because, we are still a family)
Mariana Austry
Mariana Alvarez
Mariana, Isabella and Anna (no last name)
Ms. Mariana Austry (I know this is "pc" but I am just not ready for this)
Mariana ( no last name!)

I guess this is better than the way widows are addressed abroad. It would look like this:
Mariana Alvarez widow of Mark Austry

It makes it so hard to receive these cards because I feel like it took so much time for the sender to figure out how to address the card. Which then it feels like the envelope is about 10 lbs heavy with pain and grief. I know it is hard on many of our friends to come to terms with what has happened and most of them don't know how to "address" the whole situation. Everyday I try my hardest to still be a family and make the most of our life and all that God has blessed us with. Thankfully we still have each other and that still makes us a family.

So, here is The Austry family Christmas greeting...
I am thankful for all of you and all the support, kind words, actions and love we have been surrounded with. I especially thank you for your prayers. I pray that you all have a very blessed Christmas and may you and your families have a happy and healthy 2011.

The Austry Family
Mariana, Isabella (Rudolph) & Anna

ho x 3...

all that's changed...

is his outfit.  Merry Christmas!!!

the stocking...

Every now and then something having to do with Keith surfaces and nobody quite knows what to do.  This last time it was with his Christmas stocking at my parents' house.  Do we hang it?  Do we not?  Do we just keep it in a box?  Do we give it to Brooks?  Finally, my mom decided to unstitch Keith's name and make it Brooks' stocking.  Using new thread she would sew "Brooks" where "Keith" had been and then it was my suggestion to use Keith's original thread and sew "Keith" or "Dad" on the inside of the back stocking flap - that way Brooks could have something tangible that he shared with Keith.  This stocking would be theirs.  Anyway, as my mom removed Keith's name she became distracted before  sewing the name "Brooks".  She grabbed the thread and after running out after sewing "Broo" she realized the thread she was using was from Keith's name.  She continued to finish the "k" and "s" with the new thread and you can't tell where one ends and the other begins.  It's perfect and actually much better than sewing something on the inside of the back as a reminder.  So the stocking for Brooks is the one that Keith used each year after we were married.  The letters were removed, reshaped, but remain...much like Keith and the love we will always have for him.  I am so thankful that the Lord has given me a son that shares so much likeness to Keith.  It's such a blessing that a part of Keith lives on in such a sweet, fun miniature version.

2010...

I won't lie - part of me is REALLY ready to put 2010 behind me.  That being said, I'm a little surprised at the amount of stuff that took place in a year where, for the most part, I felt I was at a standstill.  Back in January I literally had NO idea what the year would hold for me.  My biggest fear was that Keith would stay in the condition he was in and that my life would continue in the manner that it had been for so many months.  My second biggest fear was that I would lose Keith and unfortunately that came true, but every day I am grateful that he won even though it hurts my heart that he's gone.

For close to a solid year my life was in limbo and I never knew where Keith would be.  Would he be stable enough to remain at the nursing home?  Would he be rushed to the hospital where I would anxiously await lab results to see what I was dealing with?  Would he be diagnosed with something that would require him to be admitted to a specialty hospital?  Would they send him directly to ICU or would he be sent to a regular floor room?  I can honestly say that I do not miss those days.  I was so limited in what I could do and where I could go - but even with those restrictions I did more than I realized. 

Brooks has been to Austin to see family a half-dozen times; he's gone to San Antonio close to that amount to see some of our closest friends.  He and I (along with my mom) spent a few days in San Diego although it was for business and not so much pleasure.  I entered an essay contest for the Today Show, won it, and then went to Scottsdale for a few days with my sister to redeem the prize.  I decided to go back to work so I got a job.  I was told for the seventh, yes seventh, time that Keith was dying and that he wouldn't pull through.  But he did.  I experienced hospice.  I planned a funeral.  I went to another funeral for him in Lubbock.  I thought Brooks and I might get our own place so I looked at a bunch of places for us.  I started working.  I spent about a million hours on the phone with various companies for various reasons.  I handled all kinds of matters that I didn't know I could.  I went to Belize.  I experienced another death - my grandfather Papa Jack, my mom's dad.   I took Brooks to Merkel to see Keith's family for Thanksgiving.  And now I'm ready for Christmas, 2011, and the opportunity to move forward with my life.  :)

The Chair...

The other night as we were having a nice dinner with Christmas music playing in the background. Ave Maria came on and it completely captured me and took me back to our wedding day when Mark and I held hands praying together kneeling down and crying together. It was one of the happiest days of my life...then I snapped back to real life and found myself staring at the 4th chair in our kitchen nook table...empty and pushed in with no place mat or food. It was then that I realized that I have been avoiding that chair for the past 9 months. Then that took me to about 10 months ago when we would sit around and talk after dinner while listening to music and the girls learned to play together. Anna would be crawling around trying to walk and Bella had short hair and still looked like a baby. How I missed him and hearing about work and just sharing a glass of wine talking and laughing. Enjoying our daughters and laughing along with them at the funny things they did. Honestly, I feel that I reached the up most happiness in my life at those moments and they were just beginning. I am so grateful I have those moments to remember, but I want more of them. And I want them with him. I want those moments for the girls - so they can remember what we had and how we were a complete and happy family. How does it get better than those moments? How will I experience that again? I know I will experience a new type of wonderful happiness at some point in my life again, but I feel my heart will always have a hole in it and no experience will ever be as good as those moments. Thank God for video and pictures.

One of the last nights we were sitting around after dinner and Mark grabbed his guitar. He started playing a bunch of Bella's favorite songs (Barney and others). We joked around that he should quit his job and start covering Barney songs with some other guys and they could be the next Wiggles! He did a great Barney cover. :) So then after we sang Fix You as a family, he started playing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and ended with You are My Sunshine. The girls both climbed on his lap and he was teaching them how to play the guitar and Bella and him were singing. It was beautiful. And it was a moment we wanted to capture and I usually would have but this time I could not find the camera and I told him that we would take a picture later...on another night because at that moment I thought we had a lifetime of those moments. Boy was I wrong. I would do anything to have a video of that night. For the next couple of weeks we sang You are My Sunshine to each other none stop...and for some reason when he was in the hospital and I was on top of him trying to hold on to what I could, all I could get out of my mouth was that song. I could not stop singing it at the top of my lungs. I never knew how true those lyrics would be for me.
Please pray for our family during these weeks as we approach 9 months and especially for my sweet girls. For them to feel love, love, love. For God to wrap them up in love and protect their grieving hearts.

...

I'm feeling overwhelmed.  I don't like feeling overwhelmed and it seems that lately it's been lurking around every corner.  There is still so much on my plate and I wonder when things will start to thin out.  I feel like I'm tired ALL the time.  I go to sleep tired only to wake up tired only to do it all again the next day with the same results...being tired.  My brain is still mush and on a good day I feel that I might retain 50% of what happens.  When will this end so things can return to normal...or is this it?  Is this my new normal?  Lord, I hope not.

Some times I feel confident about the future and other times I go to the gym, look around, and then quickly pray that I'm not looking at a random sampling of what's out there in my age bracket.  Are my choices like this:  bald head or mohawk?  meat head or mushy belly?  tattoos or tank top?  Ugh.  No thank you.  My choice:  none of the above. 

Then I realize that I'm borrowing trouble.  This is nothing for me to concern myself with right now - this is for me to put in the Lord's hands and trust that He has guided me this far and will continue to do so.

However, in the meantime, some days are hard when I realize what I'm up against.  I was eating sushi with a friend the other night and all of the sudden I realized that I don't know how to eat with chopsticks.  Well, not all of the sudden, I've always known I can't do it, but it never mattered.  Keith would always order the kids chopsticks for me or the little plastic spring you can attach to regular chopsticks.  It wasn't a big deal, it's just something we always did.  But now I realize that I would look pretty lame being thirty-one asking for the plastic spring so I can make my chopsticks work.  And I would look EVEN LAMER asking for a fork at a sushi restaurant.  It's here - this moment - that I realize I'm starting over in more ways than just life without Keith.  I'm entering a scene that I have been away from FOR YEARS and I have no idea how to do it.  So I trust.  I trust in the One who has brought me here; I lean on Him knowing that I can't do it by myself. 

suffering...

I had some time to read earlier so I pulled out one of my devotionals.  I didn't feel like flipping to today's date, so I flipped to the day Keith died.

From Streams in the Desert:

August 28

There he tested them.  (Exodus 15:25)

I once visited the testing room of a large steel mill.  I was surrounded by instruments and equipment that tested pieces of steel to their limits and measured their breaking point.  Some pieces had been twisted until they broke, and then were labeled with the level of pressure they could withstand.  Some had been stretched to their breaking point, with their level of strength also noted.  Others had been compressed to their crushing point and measured.  Because of the testing, the manager of the mill knew exactly how much stress and strain each piece of steel could endure if it was used to build a ship, building, or bridge. 

It is often much the same with God's children.  He does not want us to be like fragile vases of glass or porcelain.  He wants us to be like these toughened pieces of steel, able to endure twisting and crushing pressure to the utmost without collapse. 

God does not want us to be like greenhouse plants, which are sheltered from rough weather, but like storm-beaten oaks; not like sand dunes that are driven back and forth by every gust of wind but like granite mountains that withstand the fiercest storms.  Yet to accomplish this, He must take us into His testing room of suffering.  And many of us need no other argument than our own experiences to prove that suffering is indeed God's testing room of faith.

It is quite easy for us to talk and to theorize about faith, but God often puts us into His crucible of affliction to test the purity of our gold and to separate the dross from the metal.  How happy we are if the hurricanes that blow across life's raging sea have the effect of making Jesus more precious to us!  It is better to weather the storm with Christ than to sail smooth waters without Him.

I know I was tested, but I wonder if Keith was tested too.  I wonder if there were marked times that his body was failing and his sheer will to live, along with the help of the Lord, kept him alive.  Part of me thinks that even when Keith was totally unresponsive that we were still working as a team.  I feel that we were both on a journey and that the Lord took us - or brought us - to a place where we were both ready to be released from it.

I have heard about the joy of suffering, and I wonder if the person who coined the phrase truly suffered - or if they just thought they had suffered.  Because to me, as one who has suffered, there is not a joy of suffering.  I believe that joy can be found while suffering because I experienced true joy while suffering, and this was a joy given only by the Lord.  I felt this joy in the midst of my pain, this honest, pure feeling of joy, but I would never say that I experienced the joy of suffering.  Suffering does not equal joy to me.

Regardless, Keith and I suffered and I can only hope that we suffered well.  If I had to lay us to rest, I would say the following:

Keith and Judy Beasley
December 1999 - August 2010
Together as one July 24, 2004 - August 28, 2010
We loved each other and lived well.
We were blessed; we were tested.
We suffered; we were released.
And because of the Lord's love for us,
We will see each other again.

hope for the hopeless...

Wow.  This is great.  The man, Chip, is the elementary school principal at Carrollton Christian Academy which is where I went to school from 4th grade until I graduated.  I do not know him or his family, but heard about him shortly after his incident from several different people and it makes my heart happy that his family will live happily ever after.  Miracles happen.