happy mother's day...

Happy Mother's Day to all of the wonderful moms out there and a very special wish of a fantastic day to my mom, Jan, and my mother-in-laws, Marilyn and JaNell.  We are so fortunate to have you in our lives and we love you all very much.

Today was the first time I celebrated a Mother's Day in the traditional "family" sort of way and I received the best present I could have asked for.  Brooks was taking a nap and Patrick and I were sitting around talking.  At one point Patrick looked at Brooks and then told me to look at whatever he was looking at.  He had this grin, Patrick did, and he sort of exhaled like he was reflecting upon something then he just simply said, "I feel like his dad."

I could feel some tears forming because I've witnessed this bond develop and it's a beautiful thing.  We've talked about it a few times and I've wondered when Patrick would fully feel like Brooks is his son.  The love has always been there between them, but viewing a child who is not biologically yours as your own takes time.  Watching as their relationship grows makes my heart swell.  I am one blessed girl.  Happy Mother's Day.

more pictures than you'll know what to do with...

a few photos from the last month...

 

Christmas in Lubbock... 

one of our many "Christmas" mornings...

rehearsal dinner with part of my family...

and the Beasleys...

and my friends...

and my little monkey...

Patrick and his friends...

and my dad...

and his dad and sister...

and my mom, sister and niece...

with one more of my friends...

Captiva Island near Sanibel...

for our getaway...

such a great New Year's Eve...

our last night before being full-time parents...

at the airport before our sixteen-hour flight...

waiting for our bags with his new daddy...

 "who came to our house while we were gone?"...

"are you SERIOUS???  again???"...

more presents from SANTA!!!

another Skype session telling people back home all about it...

and showing them our new view...

 playing bubbles with Daddy as the sun came up...

"I GOT IT!!!"...

 playing at the park right across the street...

don't worry - he brought his bubbles...

first official trip to the beach...

thank you, LORD!!!

we love it here.  :)

And in case this wasn't enough, here is a link for our wedding photos since I don't have any yet.  http://www.pictage.com/client/eventPhotos.do?event=1191884&category=0&photo=261

the weekend of love...

Mariana and I had plans to go out on Friday night.  As we were determining good days to go it took a little while to realize it was Valentines Day weekend...oh well, we thought, no big deal.  In theory, the two of us going out for a low-key night on the town seems very normal - people do it all the time.  However, the surreal-ness of our situations creeps up during times like this and the magnitude of what we're dealing with makes it hard to wrap our brains around.

We were sitting downtown at Victor Tangos having a good time when the parallel of a different time was realized.  It's something we would have been doing ten years ago in Lubbock but with a totally different mindset.  Who would have thought that so much could have changed in that length of time?  Ten years ago we were in college with nothing but high hopes for our futures.  We had both met the men we would marry and the world was ours.  We led happy lives, loved wholeheartedly and started families.  Life was good.  Then our husbands died and we were left to fend for ourselves on behalf of our family that remained.  So rather than get upset about this, we laughed and we joked.  We told happy stories and started making new dreams for our new futures.   We talked about how even if we met some cute boys we couldn't have them go to the next place with us because there were too many car seats in the car and no one could fit.  And we were thankful that out of everything we could've done that night, we wanted to go out somewhere different and fun rather than meeting at the neighborhood Applebee's or nowhere at all simply for the fact that this weekend is the weekend of love and our loves are no longer with us.  Yes, we are the girls in unimaginable situations but we are doing our best to move on and regain some of the footing that was lost.  Happy Day of Love, everyone.  xoxox

2011...

Oh what a difference a year makes...seriously.  Last year I spent New Years Eve sitting in a hospital bed with Keith; he was in ICU and in pretty bad shape.  On New Years day the doctor ordered all kinds of testing so I got to anxiously await the results ~ he had a spinal tap, a CT scan of his head, probably one of his organs too (I can't remember), an echocardiogram and some other stuff.  I very vividly remember thinking, "If today indicates how my year is going to go then I'm SCREWED."

Last night I took Brooks over to my sister's and we had a nice low key evening.  He played toys while we played Scrabble and everyone had a good time.  This morning we woke up and went to a party.  I was able to spend good, quality time with friends I don't see often enough and Brooks had a FANTASTIC time playing with all of the other kids.  It was pretty close to perfect.  If today indicates how my year is going to go then I'm going to be okay; I can't tell you how nice it is to think that and actually believe it.  A year ago I had no idea if I would ever resume a "normal" life again and, sure enough, now I'm back to taking stupid pictures and doing things I would have done before Keith's accident.  I'm me again.

Happy New Year, everyone.  :)

ho x 3...

all that's changed...

is his outfit.  Merry Christmas!!!

the stocking...

Every now and then something having to do with Keith surfaces and nobody quite knows what to do.  This last time it was with his Christmas stocking at my parents' house.  Do we hang it?  Do we not?  Do we just keep it in a box?  Do we give it to Brooks?  Finally, my mom decided to unstitch Keith's name and make it Brooks' stocking.  Using new thread she would sew "Brooks" where "Keith" had been and then it was my suggestion to use Keith's original thread and sew "Keith" or "Dad" on the inside of the back stocking flap - that way Brooks could have something tangible that he shared with Keith.  This stocking would be theirs.  Anyway, as my mom removed Keith's name she became distracted before  sewing the name "Brooks".  She grabbed the thread and after running out after sewing "Broo" she realized the thread she was using was from Keith's name.  She continued to finish the "k" and "s" with the new thread and you can't tell where one ends and the other begins.  It's perfect and actually much better than sewing something on the inside of the back as a reminder.  So the stocking for Brooks is the one that Keith used each year after we were married.  The letters were removed, reshaped, but remain...much like Keith and the love we will always have for him.  I am so thankful that the Lord has given me a son that shares so much likeness to Keith.  It's such a blessing that a part of Keith lives on in such a sweet, fun miniature version.

2010...

I won't lie - part of me is REALLY ready to put 2010 behind me.  That being said, I'm a little surprised at the amount of stuff that took place in a year where, for the most part, I felt I was at a standstill.  Back in January I literally had NO idea what the year would hold for me.  My biggest fear was that Keith would stay in the condition he was in and that my life would continue in the manner that it had been for so many months.  My second biggest fear was that I would lose Keith and unfortunately that came true, but every day I am grateful that he won even though it hurts my heart that he's gone.

For close to a solid year my life was in limbo and I never knew where Keith would be.  Would he be stable enough to remain at the nursing home?  Would he be rushed to the hospital where I would anxiously await lab results to see what I was dealing with?  Would he be diagnosed with something that would require him to be admitted to a specialty hospital?  Would they send him directly to ICU or would he be sent to a regular floor room?  I can honestly say that I do not miss those days.  I was so limited in what I could do and where I could go - but even with those restrictions I did more than I realized. 

Brooks has been to Austin to see family a half-dozen times; he's gone to San Antonio close to that amount to see some of our closest friends.  He and I (along with my mom) spent a few days in San Diego although it was for business and not so much pleasure.  I entered an essay contest for the Today Show, won it, and then went to Scottsdale for a few days with my sister to redeem the prize.  I decided to go back to work so I got a job.  I was told for the seventh, yes seventh, time that Keith was dying and that he wouldn't pull through.  But he did.  I experienced hospice.  I planned a funeral.  I went to another funeral for him in Lubbock.  I thought Brooks and I might get our own place so I looked at a bunch of places for us.  I started working.  I spent about a million hours on the phone with various companies for various reasons.  I handled all kinds of matters that I didn't know I could.  I went to Belize.  I experienced another death - my grandfather Papa Jack, my mom's dad.   I took Brooks to Merkel to see Keith's family for Thanksgiving.  And now I'm ready for Christmas, 2011, and the opportunity to move forward with my life.  :)

The Chair...

The other night as we were having a nice dinner with Christmas music playing in the background. Ave Maria came on and it completely captured me and took me back to our wedding day when Mark and I held hands praying together kneeling down and crying together. It was one of the happiest days of my life...then I snapped back to real life and found myself staring at the 4th chair in our kitchen nook table...empty and pushed in with no place mat or food. It was then that I realized that I have been avoiding that chair for the past 9 months. Then that took me to about 10 months ago when we would sit around and talk after dinner while listening to music and the girls learned to play together. Anna would be crawling around trying to walk and Bella had short hair and still looked like a baby. How I missed him and hearing about work and just sharing a glass of wine talking and laughing. Enjoying our daughters and laughing along with them at the funny things they did. Honestly, I feel that I reached the up most happiness in my life at those moments and they were just beginning. I am so grateful I have those moments to remember, but I want more of them. And I want them with him. I want those moments for the girls - so they can remember what we had and how we were a complete and happy family. How does it get better than those moments? How will I experience that again? I know I will experience a new type of wonderful happiness at some point in my life again, but I feel my heart will always have a hole in it and no experience will ever be as good as those moments. Thank God for video and pictures.

One of the last nights we were sitting around after dinner and Mark grabbed his guitar. He started playing a bunch of Bella's favorite songs (Barney and others). We joked around that he should quit his job and start covering Barney songs with some other guys and they could be the next Wiggles! He did a great Barney cover. :) So then after we sang Fix You as a family, he started playing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and ended with You are My Sunshine. The girls both climbed on his lap and he was teaching them how to play the guitar and Bella and him were singing. It was beautiful. And it was a moment we wanted to capture and I usually would have but this time I could not find the camera and I told him that we would take a picture later...on another night because at that moment I thought we had a lifetime of those moments. Boy was I wrong. I would do anything to have a video of that night. For the next couple of weeks we sang You are My Sunshine to each other none stop...and for some reason when he was in the hospital and I was on top of him trying to hold on to what I could, all I could get out of my mouth was that song. I could not stop singing it at the top of my lungs. I never knew how true those lyrics would be for me.
Please pray for our family during these weeks as we approach 9 months and especially for my sweet girls. For them to feel love, love, love. For God to wrap them up in love and protect their grieving hearts.