freedom...

I became a widow on the third day of my thirty-first year.  Widowed at thirty-one and now a single mom to a son who was one year, three months and three days old.  The single mom thing wasn’t new as I had been without a spouse for sixteen months.  Sixteen months he unconsciously fought for his life in a hospital bed before finally being called Home. 

The months after Keith died are a blur, but one day I was finally ready to start thinking about the future.  I whole-heartedly believed that there was a future for me as well as for my son, Brooks, but I didn’t know what that future looked like.  In my mind I knew what I wanted, but I didn’t know if what I wanted existed. 

I remember finally deciding that I needed to move on.  I didn’t know if the Lord had someone else out there for me, but I knew I needed to allow myself to be open to the idea.  I began to think about this possibility and I came up with two options:  I hold out for the perfect man – someone who meets my criteria for husband material as well as father material – or I find someone that I am compatible with to be an excellent father to Brooks. 

The perfect man would be nearly impossible to find.  I wanted someone that had never married before and didn’t have any children.  I was hoping there was someone out there that fit that criteria because he was too busy focusing on his career and never met the right woman rather than having some giant character flaw that kept him single.  I wanted someone who was sharp and funny and kind and generous.  I wanted someone who loved the Lord and loved children.  And since I was making this list of the man who probably didn’t exist, I added one final desire that would knock out 99.9% of the male population – I wanted someone who knew Keith.  I wanted someone who knew the man that I loved with all of my being because then he would truly understand the heartache that I endured for so long and be able to be patient with me as I lived this thing called life. 

The good father would be easier to find.  I knew he was out there.  I was certain I could find someone that I cared for and who would be a good father to Brooks.  I remember wondering if I should just take one for the team.  Should I find someone that I could potentially love, not be in love with, so that Brooks can have a father?  Should I settle for less than what my heart wanted and marry someone so that Brooks can have that male influence from someone other than his grandfathers and uncles?  Or do I hold out for the perfect man who would meet the needs of both husband AND father?

This was a tough decision and I finally realized that I had to let it go.  I released the burden of my future and decided to live in the present, knowing and being satisfied that I might possibly live out my days as a widowed, single mom. 

There was such freedom in releasing this choice; it was no longer my decision to make because I gave it to God.  That’s when I realized that this uncertainty, the uncertainty of my future, wasn’t my burden to bear.  I was trying to get through the day with this stress strapped to my back when Jesus was at my side asking to carry it for me. 

When I finally gave it to Him, when I surrendered my future to the plans He had for me, there was freedom.  There was so much joy and freedom I decided that I needed a vacation.  I had quite a lot of airline miles accumulated from paying hospital bills that I could literally go anywhere in the world.  Around this time I saw something posted on Facebook from an acquaintance, Patrick, who had recently moved to Australia.  Australia.  I could visit Australia.  I talked to a couple of my girlfriends and asked if they wanted to take a trip over there and they said yes.  I reached out to Patrick, who used to live in the same building as I did when I was married to Keith, to see if he could help us plan an itinerary and maybe let us crash at his place for a couple of nights. 

As Patrick and I corresponded about my trip across the world, we fell in love.  We fell hard and we fell fast.  He not only hit all of my criteria, but he surpassed it and I hit all of his.  I knew he was the one for me and I knew the Lord was just waiting for me to put the ball in His court rather than keeping it in my own.  Without Him and His guidance I would have just been spinning my wheels not going anywhere.  I had to release my plans and be satisfied in the present to gain the freedom and blessings that He had planned for me in the future.

And that’s what He wants.  I think it grieves Him to see the chains we place on ourselves.  Why are we limiting and restraining ourselves when we were made to be free?  The sooner we can release things to God the sooner He can put us on the path to His perfect plan for our lives. 

 

Finding Extraordinary Purpose in the Ordinary Days...

Four year olds are exhausting.  Twins are exhausting.  Day in and day out, life is exhausting.  The mornings are exhausting; the afternoons are exhausting; the evenings are exhausting and the nights are exhausting.  There are some days that I am so tired that I wonder what I did all day to become so tired, only to become discouraged when the answer seems to be “nothing.”  Days where it seems nothing of purpose is accomplished.  Days where I’m exhausted from the sheer monotony of having three kids at home.  You know the days…the ones that make you feel like this:

Thankfully, I believe we are out of the “trying to survive” stage.  We entered this stage after the girls were born and we began adjusting to life with two newborns.  One baby can be tough.  Two babies can test your limits.  During this stage I would wake up and just try to make it through the day, only to wake up the next day and do it all again.  I remember a phone conversation Patrick had with his mom and she asked what we were going to do that weekend.  Our answer?  Just try to make it through it. 

Currently we are in the “being alive” stage.  There are good days and there are bad days, but days are no longer survived; they are lived.  I can do more than just bathe both girls.  I can bathe the girls, make lunches, straighten up the house, play with Brooks, cook dinner and maybe even run an errand.  Again, sometimes the daily grind can be discouraging, but at least I am able to make a to-do list that no longer has to have “shower,”  “brush teeth,” or "get dressed" on it.  Luckily, showering, brushing my teeth and getting dressed are pretty much guaranteed in this stage of life.  And with the passing of each day I know I am one step closer to once again being in the “able to thrive” stage. 

Our church back in Australia has a blog entitled Selah Moments and it’s a place where women share perspectives based on the word of the month.  The word for July is “honour” and I wrote the following piece: 

As I contemplated this word, honour, I found myself asking, “What am I doing to honour God?”  Initially my response was a superficial one: I’m trying my best to live a life that is pleasing to Him.  But what does that really mean?  I pressed myself and began to dive into a deeper understanding.

While considering the question of what I’m doing to honour God, the parable of the talents was brought to mind.  Matthew 25:14-30 tells the story of a master who entrusts talents (NIV says bags of gold) to his servants.  Three servants receive five talents, two talents and one talent, respectively.  The servants who received five and two talents both doubled their portions while the servant who received only one talent dug a hole and buried his master’s money.  To the two who doubled their portion, the ones who went out and DID something with what their master gave them, the master said, “Well done, good and faithful servant!  You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things.  Come and share your master’s happiness!”  To the one who buried his talent, the one who chose the safe path, the path where nothing was lost nor nothing was gained, the master said, “You wicked, lazy servant…throw that worthless servant outside, into the darkness…”

“Talents” in this parable can parallel many things.  As I began to think about what the Lord has entrusted to me, the first thing that came to mind is my family.  How am I honouring my husband?  How am I honouring my children?  Am I an encouragement to them, doubling my portion?  In what areas are my strengths and what areas need strengthening?  Do I choose to honour them on a daily basis because honouring them truly is a choice and making this choice is easier on some days than others?  What am I doing to honour God?  By honouring them I’m honouring Him. 

“Talents” can also take the form of money, as was the case in the parable.  Am I being a good steward with the finances God has provided?  Is tithing a priority?  Am I honouring Him with how we choose to spend our funds?  Because, again, this is a choice and, again, it’s an easier choice on some days than it is on others. 

Finally, “talents” can reflect what God has blessed us each with – particular gifts and talents.  How are we using these gifts?  Are our abilities being put to use or are they simply buried, not accomplishing anything.  In some cases, these talents might have been buried so long that we’ve completely forgotten about them.  God didn’t bless us in areas only to have us choose to do nothing with it.  He wants us to use our talents so that we might bless others, in turn, honouring Him. 

This word, honour, didn’t encourage me.  It didn’t inspire me.  It convicted me.  I want to choose to live a life that gains the response, “Well done, good and faithful servant!  You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things.  Come and share your master’s happiness!”  I want to honour God by honouring what He has blessed and entrusted me with – my family, my finances, my talents. 

I wanted to share it here as an encouragement for those stuck in the daily grind.  I started viewing ordinary, everyday tasks as ways to honor God and it has benefited me greatly.  It has given purpose to the days that seem uneventful.  It has allowed me to see those days for what they truly are:  the opportunity to pour into the lives of my children.  Viewing these moments as a chance to honor God by honoring my family has made me a better wife and a better mother.  There is a renewing in my spirit that was absent before I changed my outlook.  The monotony of the previous days has been replaced with a joy and a love that can only be granted by the Lord and for that I am grateful. 

cherish...

I recently wrote this for our church in Australia and thought I'd share it here as it's been a while since we've updated this blog.  The original post is HERE.

As I rocked one of our twins back to sleep one night a single word was brought to my mind:  cherish.  The word for June.  I reflected on all of the Lord’s provisions in my life and thought about all that I have to cherish, including our most recent double blessing, twin girls.  I stared at them and my heart swelled.  While rocking my sweet baby girls I was overcome by all of the blessings in my life.  The entire world was right and it was not possible for my heart to feel any fuller.  Back and forth we moved as we were surrounded in total peace.  This time is most definitely a cherished time.

I love the time I have where I can experience them one on one, holding them close and soaking up their presence. There is nothing they can do to make me love them any more and there is nothing they can do to make me love them any less.  They have nothing to give and nothing to say; all they can do is just be. 

This is how it should be in our relationship with God, our Father.  Often times I neglect getting into the Word because I don’t have enough time to really dive into it so I don’t do it at all.  I shy away from praying for others because I fear I don’t have the right words to say or I won’t make any sense.  When I do this, I am missing the big picture: it’s not about words on a page or words spoken; it’s about spending time with Him. 

The Lord doesn’t want my time spent with Him to be burdened; He wants it to be cherished time.  In fact, He cherishes it more than I do.  There is nothing I can do to make Him love me any more and there is nothing I can do to make Him love me any less.  As I draw near to Him, He wants to hold me in His arms and surround me in total peace while he renews my mind and soul. 

It’s been several years since I’ve been reminded of this parallel between parents and newborns, God and His children.  However, this parallel isn’t just with newborns; my husband and I see it even as we parent our four-year-old son. 

I love how He uses our every day lives and situations to give us a glimpse as to who He is and what He’s about.  How humbling and truly awesome it is to know the Creator of the universe cherishes His time with us, regardless of our age and the season we’re in.  That He would look at us and desire to soak up our presence is a concept I can barely wrap my mind around.  I John 3:1 says, “See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!”  And as children of God we have unrestricted access to this cherished time with Him. 

reflection...

January 6th marked a year that I've lived in Australia and it's been an INCREDIBLE year.  There have been so many different times over my duration here that I've sat in awe at what the Lord has done for me and for my family.  Anyway, I'm not sure when it first hit me, but somewhere along the line I saw a parallel between my time here in Australia and our time here on Earth. This comparison will be grossly generalized and obviously will not apply to everyone, but hopefully it will be something to think about.

When I moved over a year ago I knew that it was temporary; there has never been a time when I thought we might live here permanently.  Because of that knowledge we have made it a point to do and see things while living on this side of the world because we know we won't have this opportunity again.  Several times we've had conversations with people here and they've said, "You've seen more of Australia than we have and we've lived here our whole lives."  I can think of three different trips off the top of my head that we took only because we knew we were leaving sooner rather than later.  It was a 'now or never' mentality so we did it.  On one of those trips we ended up meeting another American family living here temporarily.  They had been here for four years at that point and were saying how they haven't really done anything while they've lived over here and that they probably wouldn't start until they knew they were moving back.  At that point they would probably cram in whatever they could.  I couldn't wrap my brain around that mentality.  There were all of these things they wanted to do and all of these places they wanted to see, but they weren't doing anything about it.  They had the time and resources but seemed to be okay with cramming in whatever could be crammed once the time came.  It was this conversation that got my wheels turning.

Isn't that mentality so like life?  We get caught up in the day-to-day.  We have a bucket list with all of these phenomenal desires but we don't really do anything about making those desires a reality until we have to, until we know we're almost out of time to do so. 

I don't think our lives are intended to be lived that way.  I think our world is so vast and so beautiful that God wants us to experience it.  I think He created such majesty among us for our enjoyment.  I believe He's given us these gifts to whet our appetites for what's to come because even the most magnificent image we can capture in this life will pale in comparison to what's waiting for us when our time on this earth is up.  And how exciting is that???  The places and things of this world aren't meant to be crammed in at the last minute; they are meant to be savored and enjoyed and truly experienced to get us ready.

Much to our families' dismay, we don't know how much longer we'll be here.  We have already exceeded the original time frame of only being here until September 2012, however I'm fairly confident we'll be back in the US at some point during 2013 - although I really have no idea.  That being said, apart from being so far away from friends and family, we're in a really good spot.  We love being here.  We love where we live.  We love the life we live here.  But we're ready to go home.  Overall, we've lived life to the fullest and we'll continue to do so, but this is not our home and our hearts are being pulled to where we can begin our next chapter.  We are longing for permanence, to establish our family and put down roots.  As we know our time here is drawing to a close, I love that we can look back on our experience here with full hearts.  I love that we're excited to still be here every day, but know we'll be even more excited when it's time to leave to begin the next phase for our family.  And I love that we'll leave with no regrets. 

I'm reminded of the "not of this world" Christian t-shirts.  It's true; as Christians we are not of this world.  However, how do we get excited about the world that awaits us for eternity?  I think the simplest answer is to truly experience the world that was given to us during this interim.  How great would it be to know our time has come and be able to look back with excitement at all we have done and seen knowing that as awesome as the journey has been, the best is yet to come.  The end isn't a time to look back with regret at what you weren't able to accomplish; it's a time to play your life's highlight reel and celebrate knowing that those experiences are just the beginning because our minds can't fathom what's waiting for us.  This world is not our home; it's our temporary dwelling.

I hope that I have many, many more years to come and that I can see my grandchildren as adults.  I hope I can live life to its fullest and be excited to greet each and every day.  I hope I can continue to experience all that God wants me to experience.  And I hope that when my time draws near I can look back on the life that I've lived with a full heart and no regrets.  I want to look at those I love and say, "I love you.  I'll miss you.  I'll see you again soon.  But for now, I'm ready to go Home."   I can't imagine being in a better spot than that. 

rainbows...

I saw this picture that Mariana put on Facebook the other day:

It was captioned: 
One of the many rainbows we see every day in our home...

they bring such joy!  They are in every room of our
house...we have even seen them in the garage at night... 

We get them too.  It's crazy; they are all over our house at any given time.  The other day Brooks was taking a nap and when he woke up he started laughing and yelled, "Mama!!! Come here!!! Look what was next to me while I was sleeping!!!"

 Not only was it right next to his head...

It was directly above where he was sleeping as well.  :)

happy mother's day...

Happy Mother's Day to all of the wonderful moms out there and a very special wish of a fantastic day to my mom, Jan, and my mother-in-laws, Marilyn and JaNell.  We are so fortunate to have you in our lives and we love you all very much.

Today was the first time I celebrated a Mother's Day in the traditional "family" sort of way and I received the best present I could have asked for.  Brooks was taking a nap and Patrick and I were sitting around talking.  At one point Patrick looked at Brooks and then told me to look at whatever he was looking at.  He had this grin, Patrick did, and he sort of exhaled like he was reflecting upon something then he just simply said, "I feel like his dad."

I could feel some tears forming because I've witnessed this bond develop and it's a beautiful thing.  We've talked about it a few times and I've wondered when Patrick would fully feel like Brooks is his son.  The love has always been there between them, but viewing a child who is not biologically yours as your own takes time.  Watching as their relationship grows makes my heart swell.  I am one blessed girl.  Happy Mother's Day.

Mariana's last blog really struck a chord with me as I am sensitive to the same blows that she experienced.  Life experiences often dictate how we handle certain issues and conversations.  They create our reactions and enable us to empathize with others experiencing what we have gone through.  What are you sensitive to?  For me, it's this:

My husband in a hospital bed.  

Is this anything remotely close to what I have experienced in the past?  No.  Not at all.  But did the picture take the breath out of my chest and make me feel like vomiting when I saw it?  Yes, it did.

Here's the back story:  Patrick went out for a late afternoon surf.  Simultaneously, Brooks and I were at home having a dance party.  In the middle of a dance our phone rings and I assume it's Patrick calling to beep him up if he's forgotten his key.  It's not.  It's someone who saw Patrick down the street and the conversation goes like this:  Him - Is this Judy?  Yeah, hi, I just wanted to let you know that your husband was out surfing and he's had an accident.  He's at the surf club and his foot is cut up but they're taking care of him and he's fine.  I just thought you'd want to know where he is."

My brain shut off when I heard "your husband had an accident..."  Poor Brooks is jumping and dancing around when I shut off the music so I could process the information I had just received.  I focused on the "he's fine" part and we prayed.  We prayed a couple of times and waited for Patrick to come home.  About thirty minutes later our phone rang again.  This time it was the Surf and Rescue guy who told me he was calling because my partner was cut up pretty badly.  He would need stitches and needed to get to the hospital.  Again, all I can think about is vomiting.

Long story short, Patrick had nine stitches in his toes and he's fine.  In fact, he cut the stitches out himself rather than going back to the hospital.  However, the moral of the story is this:  You never know what you might say or do that triggers something in someone else.

Getting those calls triggered something in me.  Seeing that picture triggered something in me.  Watching the concern build in Brooks triggered something in me. 

Throughout the sixteen months of Keith's struggle I tried not to wonder about the dreaded "what ifs?" but I wasn't always successful.  When I was pregnant I grieved and yearned for Brooks to know his father.  In the quiet times when I was alone with Keith I questioned the timing and wondered if it would be better if the accident would have happened a few years down the road.  Maybe if Brooks was four or five and had solid memories of Keith, would it have been better for all of us? 

Brooks saw me when I got the call about Patrick.  He saw me after the call while we waited.  He heard the phone ring a second time and he saw my urgency to get packed up to walk down to the surf club. 

He saw his daddy sitting on the ground with his foot propped up, bandaged on a bench.  He gave him a hug and told him he loved him.  He saw our friend drive up to take Patrick to the ER to get stitched up while we walked back home.  He saw the above picture on Facebook.  He saw that picture and he wouldn't let me remove it from the computer screen.  He stared at it and he touched it.  He asked, "Is Daddy okay?  When will Daddy be home?"  I clicked away from the picture and he cried out.  He said, "Put the picture back; I want to see Daddy." 

He snuggled into me with his arm on the computer and told me that his heart was sad.  He said his heart was sad because Daddy was hurt and couldn't be with us.  His sad heart broke mine.  Fortunately for me I could tell him that Daddy was coming home and that he would see him soon.  Brooks saw him before he went to the hospital so he knew he was okay.  He just wanted to see him on the computer screen to feel like he was with him.  He was already laying down going to sleep when he heard the front door unlock.  His eyes bulged and he ran as fast as he could down the hall to give Patrick a huge hug welcoming him home and ask if his foot was better.

There are various hypothetical situations about how life might have been if Keith's accident happened three years down the road.  I can only imagine how Brooks would have handled it given how he handled Patrick's cut toes.  Looking back I'm thankful God didn't answer my desires of wanting what He didn't give us.  It makes me wonder how many times we pray super specifically for something only to become discouraged when it doesn't come to be as we want it.  We should have the confidence to seek out God's favor in whatever form He deems best without inserting our time frames, locations, etc.  He's the only one who sees the entire picture and we have His assurance that He will work it for our good.

So as an encouragement please know that the prayers we are so desperately seeking out might seem to be unanswered, but in reality might be the best case scenario for our situation at that exact moment.  God is faithful; He will provide.    

a little pity party...

I'm new at this stay-at-home mom thing...and it's tough.  I knew it would be tough going into it, but I keep thinking...is it the time change that's killing me?  Is it because he's a horrible sleeper?  Is it his new surroundings?  Is it because it's just the two of us for the majority of every day?  Is it because he's so clingy and needy that I can't get anything done?  Is he clingy and needy because we aren't surrounded by as many people as we used to be?  Is it because I had the bright idea to start potty training in the midst of all this newness?  Is it because we had a few rainy days and we were stuck inside instead of being able to go outside?  I don't know...but I do know that lately I've felt that all I do all day is wash the dishes, unload the dishwasher, clean the counters, sweep up crumbs and fold the laundry.  That and run back to the potty each time Brooks thinks he needs to go. 

Yesterday I found myself wondering how I can I live a life of purpose when it seems like I've taken on more of a role of "housekeeper" and "Brooks' playmate" rather than anything else.  He whined and cried and followed me around saying he needed me to carry him.  He said his tummy hurt and his bottom hurt and his leg hurt and his foot hurt.  He wanted to take a nap, but when we got in his bed he wanted to play with his toys.  When we went to his toys he needed to go potty.  When he sat on the potty he realized he didn't need to go afterall.  "Get me juice; I want you; I need a snack..."  This went on all day.  He was dirty from the park and wanted to take a shower...until about three-fourths of the way through it.  Then he decided he didn't like showers and LOST IT screaming about how terrible they are.  As my fuse continued to shorten and I thought I might lose it, I had my moment of clarity.  I realized the answer to my question.  My purpose during this season of my life is to teach him about Jesus through my reactions.  When he deserves it the least is when I must open up my heart the most.  It's not enough to emphasize "please" and "thank you" while teaching him to say, "May I please have a snack" instead of telling me to get him one.  I have to look at him the way the Lord looks at us.  This thought process has been enlightening and humbling and it's made me realize that this is the hardest job I will ever have. 

Lamentations 3:22-23

²² Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,
   for his compassions never fail.
²³ They are new every morning;
   great is your faithfulness.

a grateful heart...

My two loves...

more pictures than you'll know what to do with...

a few photos from the last month...

 

Christmas in Lubbock... 

one of our many "Christmas" mornings...

rehearsal dinner with part of my family...

and the Beasleys...

and my friends...

and my little monkey...

Patrick and his friends...

and my dad...

and his dad and sister...

and my mom, sister and niece...

with one more of my friends...

Captiva Island near Sanibel...

for our getaway...

such a great New Year's Eve...

our last night before being full-time parents...

at the airport before our sixteen-hour flight...

waiting for our bags with his new daddy...

 "who came to our house while we were gone?"...

"are you SERIOUS???  again???"...

more presents from SANTA!!!

another Skype session telling people back home all about it...

and showing them our new view...

 playing bubbles with Daddy as the sun came up...

"I GOT IT!!!"...

 playing at the park right across the street...

don't worry - he brought his bubbles...

first official trip to the beach...

thank you, LORD!!!

we love it here.  :)

And in case this wasn't enough, here is a link for our wedding photos since I don't have any yet.  http://www.pictage.com/client/eventPhotos.do?event=1191884&category=0&photo=261

g'day...

I had every intention of updating this sooner but just haven't had the time.  Since my last blog in November I've done quite a bit.  I went to Australia for two weeks (with a side trip to New Zealand), I sold my condo in San Diego, I took Brooks to Lubbock to celebrate an early Christmas with the Beasleys, I quit my job, I celebrated Christmas with my family, Patrick came in town, we celebrated Christmas with Brooks, we flew to Tampa on Christmas Day to celebrate Christmas with his family, we celebrated Christmas again the next day with his sister, we had friends and family fly in town for a little celebration, we GOT MARRIED in St. Petersburg, Florida, we went on a little honeymoon down on Sanibel Island, we went back to Tampa, we flew to Dallas and then we packed up and moved to Australia.  Patrick's contract is up at the end of September so Brooks and I will be living here on an extended vacation until then.  So far we are all adapting well and I will post pictures soon.  :)

2012...

More blogs coming soon...

life...

I finished reading The Lovely Bones today and came across the following line written from the perspective of a girl who was killed but she had the capability to watch her family from her "heaven."  The passage said, "My father dreamed that one day he might teach another child to love ships in bottles.  He knew there would be both sadness and joy in it; that it would always hold an echo of me."

Bittersweet.  This is a word I have not just known the definition to, but I've lived its meaning and it's not fun.  I lived it when people saw me with Brooks and asked if he was my only one before innocently asking if I would have more.  I lived it as I completed pre-school enrollment papers for him - leaving all of the contact information for the father blank.  I lived it when getting Brooks his passport and I was told by three different people that I wouldn't be able to get it for him unless my husband was there with us too.  Finally I had to just tell them that his death certificate was in my purse.  Ah, yes, I know bittersweet.  To an extent I live it everyday.  But I also know redemption.

Yesterday I finished reading Redeeming Love and I related even moreso to the concept found there:  I have been redeemed.  The Lord didn't hang me out to dry; He sent me someone to live my life with and for that I will forever be grateful.  My heart, which once was broken, has been repaired.  It's full.  It's content. 

My sister got married a month ago and Patrick was able to come in town for her wedding.  The Beasleys, Keith's parents, were also coming in town for her wedding and when they found out Patrick would be there they were happy because they could spend some time with him.  Patrick's parents, the Copelands, also came in town for the celebration and they were able to meet the Beasleys.  It was upon realizing that this situation could take place - a merging of my past with my future - that my heart was overflowing.  In case that wasn't enough, both the Beasleys and the Copelands had breakfast together with Brooks the morning after the wedding.  At one point we were all at my parents' house - Patrick, my parents, his parents, Keith's parents, Brooks and me - and as I watched everyone spending time together I could hardly comprehend it.  I can't tell you how much it meant to me for that weekend to have happened. 

My goal in the near future is to be a better blogger...we'll see.  Now that I've finally sat down to write I feel like there are a million things I want to talk about.  Have a good weekend.  :)

us...in a nutshell...

Last March Patrick and I realized that our friendship had the capability to blossom into something great.  He decided to book a flight from Australia to Dallas over the Easter holiday and then we flew to Birmingham to visit some of my friends.  It was important for me to see how he would interact with Brooks and vice versa.

 

They loved each other.

After spending more time together in Dallas I knew that the Lord was blessing me with the chance to have a traditional family and experience love in a way that I thought was gone.  I called Keith's mom around the first of May to let her know that I had found someone for Brooks and me and that it was serious.  I hope anyone in a similar situation is as lucky to have such a solid response given as the one I received from her.

In June I went to Australia for three weeks. 

We had a blast...

 

and fell in love.

He flew to Lake Tahoe in July to join my family for a week-long family vacation.  His parents flew in for the weekend and everyone enjoyed meeting and spending time with one another.

Patrick helped Brooks with his golf game...

took him fishing...

and we all just enjoyed being together.

On this trip, Patrick spoke with my dad regarding our future...

so we would like to let you know...

that we're getting married.  :)  Yay!

8.28

On August 28th, 2010, Keith left his earthly body and began life anew.  August 28th landed on a Sunday this year and I found myself sitting next to my mom at church.  When the pastor began speaking I simply looked at my mom and said, "Are you freaking kidding me?"   It was fantastic.

I want to share this sermon with you in case you're missing Keith or someone else equally as special to you.  It really is good.  CLICK HERE.

happy birthday to you...

Today would've been Keith's 33rd birthday.  Happy birthday, Keithy.  I miss him everyday but today was harder than most.  I took Brooks out to celebrate and we had a really good time.  We went to the Melting Pot, somewhere Keith and I had been, and had a really fun time together.  As we were driving away Brooks saw one of his favorite things, the moon.  He said, "The moon!!!"  I said, "You know who is up with the moon?  Daddy!!!"  We then turned and and he said, "Can't see moon!"  I looked and said, "The moon is behind us - but the moon sees us."  It was at this point that I realized the metaphor.  I continued to say, "The moon is watching us to make sure we're okay."  And that's how it is.  Keith is in the heavens....but he's watching.  And he's happy.   Happy birthday, Keithy.  I've been wondering how they do bdays in heaven.  Can't wait to see you and celebrate together.  Love you tons.  xoxox

a new season...

I did it.  I finished my school year on Wednesday.  While this might not seem like quite a feat, to me, it's huge.  Last summer, right around this time, I felt like the Lord was preparing me to go back to work.  I had so many reservations about this, but I knew that if it was meant to be then things would fall into place.  Long story short, they fell into place perfectly.  More than perfectly.  However, at that point there were still so many things going on that my mind couldn't comprehend how working would even be possible.  Keith passed away on August 28th, 2010 and I missed the last bit of teacher in-service plus the first three weeks of school.  Once I started back I remember thinking several times, "Man, I hope I can get through this year.  If I can just make it to the end..."  And I did!

The kids left last Thursday and at the end of the day when I was in my room by myself I looked up to the ceiling and said, "I did it, Babe.  I did it."  And I felt so...accomplished.  More times than not I've found myself looking back this year to where I was the previous year at the same time.  Last year at this time Keith was in the nursing home and his hospital trips were becoming more frequent and more serious.  I've been through much since then and I've come a REALLY long way.

I'm ready to see what this next year has in store and I pray it's full of good things.

1B...

After Keith died I had to face the realization of my situation - I no longer had a husband and Brooks no longer had a father.  Deep within me I really hoped that the Lord had someone else out there for me, but of course I was unsure.  Whenever I would think about it I automatically thought of this person as my #2 with Keith obviously being my #1.  The more that I thought of this the more discouraged I got.  I didn't want a #2, I wanted another #1.  A #2 to me would be settling and, consequently, not what I wanted. 

What Keith and I had was terrific.  Top-notch.  Solid.  We spent significant amounts of time just hugging because we fit together like a puzzle.  In fact, I can see the two of us in our kitchen.  It's locked in my memory.  We would stand there, embracing, and Keith would let out a deep breath before simply saying, "Just like a puzzle," and I would repeat, "Like a puzzle," and there we would remain.  He was made for me and I was made for him.  Several times we spoke about how we might not have tons of money, but we were rich in love and that's the best way for it to be.  He would say, "We may not have a back yard.  We don't even have our own mail box.  But I have you and that's all I need."  He said those types of things and he meant it.  And after thinking about these things I made a decision - I was no longer looking for my #2; I wanted a 1B.  I didn't want a step down; I wanted a continuation of what I had since time with my 1A was cut short.

I decided that I wanted someone of Keith's caliber and that if it wasn't possible, then I wasn't interested.  I had five fantastic years of marriage and was fortunate to have conversations with Keith about how we might have loved each other more in those five years than some people love in a whole lifetime.  This formed the basis and foundation of what I was looking for as I thought about what I wanted for the remainder of my life.

I quickly realized that I was not looking for someone to come in and save the day.  I wasn't miserable.  I was making ends meet and planning for the future.  I didn't need someone to swoop in and pull me out of a terrible situation.  My situation was far from ideal, but manageable, and I had come to terms that there was a really good possibility that I might've had a lifetime of marriage packed into five short years.  There might not be anyone else out there for me.  If that was the case then I was okay with it;  I would be content knowing that what I had was real.

I also realized that what I was hoping to find was a tall order.  I'm sure there is a chunk of the population that doesn't find it once so who am I to think I'll find it twice?  Did this person even exist?  And if so, would he understand what he's signing up for?  Would he understand my situation?  Would he be able to love Brooks like his own?  Would he feel like he's living in Keith's shadow?  Yep, a tall order for this one I was hoping to find. 

At the first of this year I decided I wanted to take a trip somewhere this summer.  A trip of a lifetime.  I didn't know where or with whom, just that I wanted to do something BIG.  I stumbled across our friend from San Diego who had recently moved to Australia and thought I might be on to something.  He was Keith's friend and I really only knew him in passing.  I knew a lot about him, however, because Keith LOVED him.  He ended up moving away from San Diego and landed in Dallas...so Keith set him up with all his buddies. 

In April of 2009 Keith had his accident.  Patrick came to Austin and cried over his buddy who was laying in a hospital bed.  He read him scripture and prayed over him.  Later that fall, before he moved to Australia, he sat in the nursing home with Keith, Brooks and me just as many of Keith's friends did throughout his time in various hospitals. 

As odd and random as it might've seemed for me to plan a trip to Australia, it always seemed completely normal.  Although I didn't really know Patrick, I felt like I did because of how much Keith revered him.  As my trip began unfolding, Patrick and I began communicating more and more.  Suddenly there was a shift in our conversations and we both realized the magnitude of what we were dealing with.  It's still very early, but I think I found my 1B. 

Not all that long ago I thought that if there was somebody out there for me it would be because I was scraping the bottom of the barrel.  From there I became completely content in my situation and trusted the Lord to provide in whatever shape He deemed appropriate.  Never would I have imagined that He would blow my mind and knock my socks off at the same time. :)

questions...

An old friend of mine recently experienced a loss at the high school where he coaches.  A student in the senior class was in a condition similar to Keith's and ended up passing away after a couple of months in that condition.  He emailed me wanting to know certain things and after responding I wondered if other people might benefit from me sharing our conversations.  I copied and pasted the communication then realized it was super lame and decided against sharing it.  When I told him I changed my mind about sharing it he told me that I should because it really might be helpful.  I was very frank in my responses and was going to tone them down for this so I don't end up sounding like a total a-hole, but figured if I was sharing my honest thoughts to him then I should share my honest answers on here.  He told me that the bluntness is what makes the answers effective and that the truth is our friend and should be embraced.  This is just my take on my situation and I know that everyone views and appreciates things differently.  How I thought and what annoyed me might have been what got someone else through a similar situation so please know that nothing is meant to offend.  Anyway, this is it and please remember that the responses were to someone I am very comfortable with.  If I was responding to someone different I would've been much more polite.  Feel free to read it if you so desire:

Okay - I'll do my best to answer these. Although very similar, my situation was also very different based on the amount of time that passed. If Keith would've passed away just after two months I don't really know how I would feel. Actually, he was dying (one of the seven times) close to that timeframe. In July he suffered massive heart failure and I was told he wouldn't make it through the night. He also had the same blood infection that Luke had except he acquired it in May as I was giving birth to Brooks. I was told I couldn't even see him even though I was just three floors up because the infection was so severe. I digress...


What did you want to hear? Was it simply people's presence or words?


I didn't really want to hear anything. People are stupid and they don't know what to say so they end up rambling and making no sense. To me, the only people that get it are those who have been through something similar and they are the ones who speak the least.  Just knowing people were there if I needed them was enough.


What encouraged you? What gave you hope?


See, this is going to be TOTALLY different for them. I was encouraged that I could regain my life and move forward. I believe that I will have a second shot at a happy home because I'm still relatively young and Brooks is awesome. I had and still have hope that the Lord has someone else out there for me. However, that family will probably not ever have another son. It's probably like the Beasleys. Keith is gone and that's all they have. In all honesty, it would be extremely difficult in that situation. I mean, what do you hope for? That they come back? That you don't forget the memories because that's all you have? I don't know. I guess you fall back on the fact that as Christians you will see them again so you know it's only a matter of time before that happens.


Was there a sense of relief, closure, bitterness (the range)?


MAJOR relief. Major. It was time and I believe we both knew that. I think that somewhere deep within Keith knew Brooks and I would be okay if he left us and deep within I knew Keith needed to be made whole. My biggest fear was that Keith would remain in that condition forever - or at least until we were grandparents or something. If that was the case, I knew what my future held for me and it wasn't exactly encouraging. I couldn't make plans, I couldn't go out of town, I couldn't do anything because I never knew when Keith would have a downturn and end up back in the ER, then ICU, then who knows where. When I drive by places where Keith was admitted - Baylor Hospital, the nursing home, Select Specialty Hospital - I still blow kisses towards the building, think of him and say, "I miss you, Babe," but I am SO GRATEFUL that I can keep on driving to wherever it is that I'm headed.


Our school is devastated and we even had counselors in to tell the faculty what to say, what not to say, how to respond to the questions.


I would LOVE to know what the counselors told you guys to say and not say. Please indulge...


He was admired by all and folks are just stunned. I don't know if the time itself helped (not losing him right away)? However, maybe you can answer that for me as well. The loss sucks, but I wonder if the time in the coma helped others reconcile - being able to still talk, caress, pray with and for, read to and stuff like that.


Yes, the time helped FOR SURE. Because it was so sudden, the time allowed me to wrap my brain around what was happening and let me get used to being on my own. I still had Keith there so I could go and talk to him, cuddle with him, and try to hash out our situation even though he couldn't respond. The more I did that the more I realized that I COULD do it without him. I wouldn't trade those 18 months for anything. However, I wouldn't wish them upon anyone either. My situation worked for me and it was what I needed to be able to deal with everything. I can't help but believe that your friends had the length of time specific to their needs as well. At least that's what I hope. I hope this is what you were looking for and that it helps in some way. If my answers produced more questions then send 'em over. :)

I think the Srs to whom Luke was close go day to day and are now struggling with the guilt of enjoying themselves, having fun, etc. It was tough because he was such a dynamic young man, ton of integrity. He just drew people to him. He was a starter in baseball, football, basketball and in fine arts as well. Stud. The next big Sr markers: graduation, Sr trip, those might be tough.


If it comes up, tell them there should be NO guilt. Luke would want them to have fun and do things the same as if he was there doing it with them. Of that I am sure. Oh, ha, that reminds me of another thing that people did that was SO ANNOYING. They would send me forwards of stuff that was really lame. The one that comes to mind based on what you said about him is a poem about how God only takes the best. That's how he chooses who to call Home - only the best. It said how Heaven needed that person more than the people left on Earth. This type of stuff drove me crazy because 1) it's lame and 2) it's foundationally wrong.


You had a great trip to *Eden* I see! How are you these days?

The Virgin Islands were SO MUCH FUN. Jessica and I had a blast. It was tough, though, because that was one of the last trips I took with Keith. Jessica and I stayed at the same house and ended up doing a lot of the same stuff (restaurants, beaches, etc) from when I was there before so it's like I saw Keith everywhere. However, by doing that I think I am crossing bridges that will ultimately take me to where I want to be.

I think what was most striking/cringe-worthy was the 'prophecies' the family received and probably you, too.  "Your son will wake up on the 40th day!"  Uh, no, he didn't and he died on the 72nd day.  I know folks meant well, but that stuff in the midst of our prayers may have been a buoy to them for a moment.

The prophecies and visions made it much more difficult. I've wondered about it because on one hand it gave me hope, but on the other hand the people were wrong. Hope is good, but it made it that much harder once Keith was gone. Of course the people meant well, but it was still a pretty crappy deal.



We got the news on the way home from a baseball game and I had one of his best friends in the car with me. I told him and he just sobbed all the way home. You know, Luke was essentially ‘gone’ but the finality of that moment really struck me. For you, what was that moment like when it was ‘final’?


The final moment...ahhhhhhh...it was one that I dreaded. I didn't want to be there. Of course I was each time they said it was happening, but I never wanted to actually see it. I would go to be there for Keith, but deep down I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to see him take his last breath and realize he would never take another. It's not how I wanted to remember him. Consequently, the day it happened I wasn't there. His mom was at the nursing home and the nurses asked her to step out while they bathed him. He passed away during the bath. When she came back in she said that he looked different, something was different. She called me immediately and said, "Judy, honey, you need to get up here now." I could tell by her voice that something was different. I knew what was going down and I took my time getting ready. I didn't just change clothes real fast, I decided what I wanted to wear. It was really strange because I thought: what am I going to wear the last time I see Keith? I did this before at the hospital when I stopped his medicine and blood pressure medication. His family flew in and I remember wearing my shirt that appropriately says: Save Me. Anyway, the phone rang a minute or two later - not more than five - and I was simply told, "He's gone." My shoulders relaxed and I let out a deep breath. My mom gave a loud wail and we hugged while she said, "He's at peace. He's whole. He's with the Lord." Then I dried my hair and went up to see his body. It's a very strange and surreal situation. It's so crazy to me that I even have that story to tell.

So, is it cathartic to go through the details of the 'day' or does it just suck the life out of you?  Yeah, when do you start to process "I'm available"?

Nope, not cathartic.  At least not yet.  It just pretty much blows - for lack of a better term.  I found out the other day that he's still frozen.  That sucked too.  It's exhausting.  Takes a bunch out of me.  I actually blogged about it earlier since my wheels were turning after emailing you. 

Thanks again for taking the time to respond. Cory and I pray for you often and my prayer specifically for you is for Brooks to have a father that loves God so much that all he can do is have that love pour out to you and Brooks…and that he has lots of money!



Hahahaha - keep that prayer going...I like it. You hit the nail on the head!  :)