Last Sunday I sat through a very powerful message. It was only the first half and the second half will be this weekend on Saturday evening and two services on Sunday. I would like to encourage you to watch the video (I think it will only be online for the weekend) and if you live in the Dallas area to attend the second part in person at Bent Tree Bible Fellowship. More information should be on the website:
http://www.thebema.org/#/resources then click on the link that says CLICK HERE TO WATCH THE BEMA PART ONE. I think it's close to an hour, just so you know.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Isabella came home with Mark on her heart. The project for the dads got her thinking a lot about her Papa. But she dealt with it so well! She really amazes me. She told me how she did a project that says Papa and there is a picture of her to put in the word. She seemed a little sad at first, and then she decided it would be a great idea to put the project in the playroom with a picture of Papa in it. How amazing is she? She also came home and drew a picture of our family and Mark with angel wings and a golf club.
I picked her up today by myself so that we could spend some alone time together. What a great day I picked! I think she really needed it after today.
She also mentioned to me that she heard Marks favorite song on her teachers phone...I don't know if this is true but she said it was amazing. We always find ways (and God always send us little signs) that Mark is with us...
We went to get a dessert at La Madeline and then went to pick Anna up so she could see her school.
Anna had been waiting for me for a while and was sitting on the teachers lap when we went into the classroom. I let Bella walk in without me and go up to her and you should have seen Anna's reaction...I really wish I had video of it because you would think that she had not seen us in a year...it was so heartwarming to see Anna get so excited and with tears in her eyes hugging her sister because she could not belive Isabella was in her school! Then she saw me and kept running from Isabella to me yelling our names and tearing up. It was one of the sweetest moments of my life....I can only imagine what it will feel like to see Mark again. I find peace knowing that at the end of our wonderful life here on earth we will have reunions like this in heaven with all of those that we have lost and love so much.
Monday, September 5, 2011
us...in a nutshell...
Last March Patrick and I realized that our friendship had the capability to blossom into something great. He decided to book a flight from Australia to Dallas over the Easter holiday and then we flew to Birmingham to visit some of my friends. It was important for me to see how he would interact with Brooks and vice versa.
They loved each other.
After spending more time together in Dallas I knew that the Lord was blessing me with the chance to have a traditional family and experience love in a way that I thought was gone. I called Keith's mom around the first of May to let her know that I had found someone for Brooks and me and that it was serious. I hope anyone in a similar situation is as lucky to have such a solid response given as the one I received from her.
In June I went to Australia for three weeks.
We had a blast...
and fell in love.
He flew to Lake Tahoe in July to join my family for a week-long family vacation. His parents flew in for the weekend and everyone enjoyed meeting and spending time with one another.
Patrick helped Brooks with his golf game...
took him fishing...
and we all just enjoyed being together.
On this trip, Patrick spoke with my dad regarding our future...
so we would like to let you know...
that we're getting married. :) Yay!
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
8.28
On August 28th, 2010, Keith left his earthly body and began life anew. August 28th landed on a Sunday this year and I found myself sitting next to my mom at church. When the pastor began speaking I simply looked at my mom and said, "Are you freaking kidding me?" It was fantastic.
I want to share this sermon with you in case you're missing Keith or someone else equally as special to you. It really is good. CLICK HERE.
I want to share this sermon with you in case you're missing Keith or someone else equally as special to you. It really is good. CLICK HERE.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
happy birthday to you...
Today would've been Keith's 33rd birthday. Happy birthday, Keithy. I miss him everyday but today was harder than most. I took Brooks out to celebrate and we had a really good time. We went to the Melting Pot, somewhere Keith and I had been, and had a really fun time together. As we were driving away Brooks saw one of his favorite things, the moon. He said, "The moon!!!" I said, "You know who is up with the moon? Daddy!!!" We then turned and and he said, "Can't see moon!" I looked and said, "The moon is behind us - but the moon sees us." It was at this point that I realized the metaphor. I continued to say, "The moon is watching us to make sure we're okay." And that's how it is. Keith is in the heavens....but he's watching. And he's happy. Happy birthday, Keithy. I've been wondering how they do bdays in heaven. Can't wait to see you and celebrate together. Love you tons. xoxox
Friday, June 17, 2011
a new season...
I did it. I finished my school year on Wednesday. While this might not seem like quite a feat, to me, it's huge. Last summer, right around this time, I felt like the Lord was preparing me to go back to work. I had so many reservations about this, but I knew that if it was meant to be then things would fall into place. Long story short, they fell into place perfectly. More than perfectly. However, at that point there were still so many things going on that my mind couldn't comprehend how working would even be possible. Keith passed away on August 28th, 2010 and I missed the last bit of teacher in-service plus the first three weeks of school. Once I started back I remember thinking several times, "Man, I hope I can get through this year. If I can just make it to the end..." And I did!
The kids left last Thursday and at the end of the day when I was in my room by myself I looked up to the ceiling and said, "I did it, Babe. I did it." And I felt so...accomplished. More times than not I've found myself looking back this year to where I was the previous year at the same time. Last year at this time Keith was in the nursing home and his hospital trips were becoming more frequent and more serious. I've been through much since then and I've come a REALLY long way.
I'm ready to see what this next year has in store and I pray it's full of good things.
The kids left last Thursday and at the end of the day when I was in my room by myself I looked up to the ceiling and said, "I did it, Babe. I did it." And I felt so...accomplished. More times than not I've found myself looking back this year to where I was the previous year at the same time. Last year at this time Keith was in the nursing home and his hospital trips were becoming more frequent and more serious. I've been through much since then and I've come a REALLY long way.
I'm ready to see what this next year has in store and I pray it's full of good things.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
1B...
After Keith died I had to face the realization of my situation - I no longer had a husband and Brooks no longer had a father. Deep within me I really hoped that the Lord had someone else out there for me, but of course I was unsure. Whenever I would think about it I automatically thought of this person as my #2 with Keith obviously being my #1. The more that I thought of this the more discouraged I got. I didn't want a #2, I wanted another #1. A #2 to me would be settling and, consequently, not what I wanted.
What Keith and I had was terrific. Top-notch. Solid. We spent significant amounts of time just hugging because we fit together like a puzzle. In fact, I can see the two of us in our kitchen. It's locked in my memory. We would stand there, embracing, and Keith would let out a deep breath before simply saying, "Just like a puzzle," and I would repeat, "Like a puzzle," and there we would remain. He was made for me and I was made for him. Several times we spoke about how we might not have tons of money, but we were rich in love and that's the best way for it to be. He would say, "We may not have a back yard. We don't even have our own mail box. But I have you and that's all I need." He said those types of things and he meant it. And after thinking about these things I made a decision - I was no longer looking for my #2; I wanted a 1B. I didn't want a step down; I wanted a continuation of what I had since time with my 1A was cut short.
I decided that I wanted someone of Keith's caliber and that if it wasn't possible, then I wasn't interested. I had five fantastic years of marriage and was fortunate to have conversations with Keith about how we might have loved each other more in those five years than some people love in a whole lifetime. This formed the basis and foundation of what I was looking for as I thought about what I wanted for the remainder of my life.
I quickly realized that I was not looking for someone to come in and save the day. I wasn't miserable. I was making ends meet and planning for the future. I didn't need someone to swoop in and pull me out of a terrible situation. My situation was far from ideal, but manageable, and I had come to terms that there was a really good possibility that I might've had a lifetime of marriage packed into five short years. There might not be anyone else out there for me. If that was the case then I was okay with it; I would be content knowing that what I had was real.
I also realized that what I was hoping to find was a tall order. I'm sure there is a chunk of the population that doesn't find it once so who am I to think I'll find it twice? Did this person even exist? And if so, would he understand what he's signing up for? Would he understand my situation? Would he be able to love Brooks like his own? Would he feel like he's living in Keith's shadow? Yep, a tall order for this one I was hoping to find.
At the first of this year I decided I wanted to take a trip somewhere this summer. A trip of a lifetime. I didn't know where or with whom, just that I wanted to do something BIG. I stumbled across our friend from San Diego who had recently moved to Australia and thought I might be on to something. He was Keith's friend and I really only knew him in passing. I knew a lot about him, however, because Keith LOVED him. He ended up moving away from San Diego and landed in Dallas...so Keith set him up with all his buddies.
In April of 2009 Keith had his accident. Patrick came to Austin and cried over his buddy who was laying in a hospital bed. He read him scripture and prayed over him. Later that fall, before he moved to Australia, he sat in the nursing home with Keith, Brooks and me just as many of Keith's friends did throughout his time in various hospitals.
As odd and random as it might've seemed for me to plan a trip to Australia, it always seemed completely normal. Although I didn't really know Patrick, I felt like I did because of how much Keith revered him. As my trip began unfolding, Patrick and I began communicating more and more. Suddenly there was a shift in our conversations and we both realized the magnitude of what we were dealing with. It's still very early, but I think I found my 1B.
Not all that long ago I thought that if there was somebody out there for me it would be because I was scraping the bottom of the barrel. From there I became completely content in my situation and trusted the Lord to provide in whatever shape He deemed appropriate. Never would I have imagined that He would blow my mind and knock my socks off at the same time. :)
What Keith and I had was terrific. Top-notch. Solid. We spent significant amounts of time just hugging because we fit together like a puzzle. In fact, I can see the two of us in our kitchen. It's locked in my memory. We would stand there, embracing, and Keith would let out a deep breath before simply saying, "Just like a puzzle," and I would repeat, "Like a puzzle," and there we would remain. He was made for me and I was made for him. Several times we spoke about how we might not have tons of money, but we were rich in love and that's the best way for it to be. He would say, "We may not have a back yard. We don't even have our own mail box. But I have you and that's all I need." He said those types of things and he meant it. And after thinking about these things I made a decision - I was no longer looking for my #2; I wanted a 1B. I didn't want a step down; I wanted a continuation of what I had since time with my 1A was cut short.
I decided that I wanted someone of Keith's caliber and that if it wasn't possible, then I wasn't interested. I had five fantastic years of marriage and was fortunate to have conversations with Keith about how we might have loved each other more in those five years than some people love in a whole lifetime. This formed the basis and foundation of what I was looking for as I thought about what I wanted for the remainder of my life.
I quickly realized that I was not looking for someone to come in and save the day. I wasn't miserable. I was making ends meet and planning for the future. I didn't need someone to swoop in and pull me out of a terrible situation. My situation was far from ideal, but manageable, and I had come to terms that there was a really good possibility that I might've had a lifetime of marriage packed into five short years. There might not be anyone else out there for me. If that was the case then I was okay with it; I would be content knowing that what I had was real.
I also realized that what I was hoping to find was a tall order. I'm sure there is a chunk of the population that doesn't find it once so who am I to think I'll find it twice? Did this person even exist? And if so, would he understand what he's signing up for? Would he understand my situation? Would he be able to love Brooks like his own? Would he feel like he's living in Keith's shadow? Yep, a tall order for this one I was hoping to find.
At the first of this year I decided I wanted to take a trip somewhere this summer. A trip of a lifetime. I didn't know where or with whom, just that I wanted to do something BIG. I stumbled across our friend from San Diego who had recently moved to Australia and thought I might be on to something. He was Keith's friend and I really only knew him in passing. I knew a lot about him, however, because Keith LOVED him. He ended up moving away from San Diego and landed in Dallas...so Keith set him up with all his buddies.
In April of 2009 Keith had his accident. Patrick came to Austin and cried over his buddy who was laying in a hospital bed. He read him scripture and prayed over him. Later that fall, before he moved to Australia, he sat in the nursing home with Keith, Brooks and me just as many of Keith's friends did throughout his time in various hospitals.
As odd and random as it might've seemed for me to plan a trip to Australia, it always seemed completely normal. Although I didn't really know Patrick, I felt like I did because of how much Keith revered him. As my trip began unfolding, Patrick and I began communicating more and more. Suddenly there was a shift in our conversations and we both realized the magnitude of what we were dealing with. It's still very early, but I think I found my 1B.
Not all that long ago I thought that if there was somebody out there for me it would be because I was scraping the bottom of the barrel. From there I became completely content in my situation and trusted the Lord to provide in whatever shape He deemed appropriate. Never would I have imagined that He would blow my mind and knock my socks off at the same time. :)
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
My Marathon...
I did something on March 27th, that I have been wanting to do since the day Mark passed: I attended the Rock n Roll Half Marathon - the 1/2 marathon Mark ran last year. I went with my dear friends Miles and Sarah Durham. We got there late and stayed for about 2 hours. We worked our way to the finish line and a nice police officer took us to the paramedics' tent right at the finish line. My heart pounded being there and I know that this is what Mark lived during the last seconds he was on this earth. I felt very close to him.
Last summer I went to "the site" and it was so surreal. Right next to where I was told Mark collapsed there was a pole with a yellow sign on it with a big black "9" and the word "yellow". When we were there, I turned to Sarah and said "Wow, it's like he is here saying hello!" The number 9 was Mark's trademark through all his athletic events - he even marked his golf balls with a red or black 9.
At the time I was blown away with that I saw, but it brought so much comfort. It is signs like this that kept me going all year - and they have not stopped. There have been WAY too many to list here...some people refer to them as "God's winks,"...I like that.
Even though you see those signs, sometimes you think that those things happen to get you through that moment, but the more they happen to me the more I see God's reassurance and I hear Him say - "Don't doubt that I am here." So I obey.
Back to the marathon - I asked around to see if I could speak with a paramedic that was there last year. When I told them who I was they looked at me like I was crazy for being there. Finally, one of the paramedics (actually the second one to get to him) spoke to me. She was very nice and tried to remember as many details as she could. She showed me exactly where he fell, what his symptoms were, and answered the most important thing to me - Did he have a chance to know what was happening? She said that he probably did not know what was happening, but that he was conscious enough to hear them tell him that he did finish the race and I know that in those few seconds he thought of my girls and me and God.
I was also able to get the images I have been living with for the past year (ones that I had created) out of my mind and saw what he actually lived, breathed, heard, smelled and saw for the last hours of his life up to the last seconds.
So as all of this is happening, Brett Michael (yes, from Poison), is playing in the background and screaming in his typical manner. Of course, this kind of ruined the mood a little and broke up the seriousness of what I was experiencing. This is something that has happened to me throughout this whole year - when I want to get really down Mark won't let me (most of the time).
We stood there for about an hour and a half or so and before the last couple of runners crossed the finish line the police officer let Sarah, Miles, and me cross the finish line. We stood where they told us it all went down. We said a prayer and right then "Every Rose has a Thorn" started playing. Mark played this on the guitar ALL the time. It was perfect. I was actually thankful for Brett Michaels at that moment. Miles got a medal for me and told me I deserved it after the year I have had and what I have accomplished.
We then saw the last person cross the finish line and the very peppy cheerleader finish off the race and ride off on the hood of the pace car. We joked about how she might have been Mark's last thought - she had a lot of energy! The mood was good and I felt so released from the past year. I don't know how to describe it, and please know I hope this does not offend anyone, but I felt like I could start my life again.
I have felt Mark with me at ALL times. This time, as I was leaving the fairgrounds, I felt him say to me that he would be with me, but in a different way now. To live my life, to close the book on the suffering and loss and instead remember the great life he led and we shared together. To take care of the girls and myself, to look forward to my life. And the greatest thing - that he was okay with that.
As we walked out of there, I felt renewed. I never thought that going to the marathon would give me this much peace, but it did. God works in such mysterious ways. You just have to be open to receiving His grace. It is abundant!!!
I waited a couple of weeks to share this experience because I wanted to make sure it was true. That the grief I have felt has been lifted up. So far, even though I have missed him, I feel like Mariana again, as opposed to the grieving young widow and mom of 2. Don't get me wrong, this is very difficult but I felt re-energized and capable to live my life. I feel we have adjusted.
It feels good to breathe again and most of all, continue to feel the hope, faith and trust I have learned to live with this past year. Regardless of what happens, I know He will provide.
I do want to mention that I could not have gotten to this stage of my life without the help and support of all of my friends, family and people I do not even know. The power of prayer is amazing and it has carried me through this experience. As always, I want to thank all of you for every prayer and support given to us. When I have my down and challenging days, I offer it up for all of you who have prayed for us, that you may see God's grace as clearly as I have.
Please continue to keep us in your prayers as we enter this next year of our lives...
Friday, April 1, 2011
questions...
An old friend of mine recently experienced a loss at the high school where he coaches. A student in the senior class was in a condition similar to Keith's and ended up passing away after a couple of months in that condition. He emailed me wanting to know certain things and after responding I wondered if other people might benefit from me sharing our conversations. I copied and pasted the communication then realized it was super lame and decided against sharing it. When I told him I changed my mind about sharing it he told me that I should because it really might be helpful. I was very frank in my responses and was going to tone them down for this so I don't end up sounding like a total a-hole, but figured if I was sharing my honest thoughts to him then I should share my honest answers on here. He told me that the bluntness is what makes the answers effective and that the truth is our friend and should be embraced. This is just my take on my situation and I know that everyone views and appreciates things differently. How I thought and what annoyed me might have been what got someone else through a similar situation so please know that nothing is meant to offend. Anyway, this is it and please remember that the responses were to someone I am very comfortable with. If I was responding to someone different I would've been much more polite. Feel free to read it if you so desire:
Okay - I'll do my best to answer these. Although very similar, my situation was also very different based on the amount of time that passed. If Keith would've passed away just after two months I don't really know how I would feel. Actually, he was dying (one of the seven times) close to that timeframe. In July he suffered massive heart failure and I was told he wouldn't make it through the night. He also had the same blood infection that Luke had except he acquired it in May as I was giving birth to Brooks. I was told I couldn't even see him even though I was just three floors up because the infection was so severe. I digress...
What did you want to hear? Was it simply people's presence or words?
I didn't really want to hear anything. People are stupid and they don't know what to say so they end up rambling and making no sense. To me, the only people that get it are those who have been through something similar and they are the ones who speak the least. Just knowing people were there if I needed them was enough.
What encouraged you? What gave you hope?
See, this is going to be TOTALLY different for them. I was encouraged that I could regain my life and move forward. I believe that I will have a second shot at a happy home because I'm still relatively young and Brooks is awesome. I had and still have hope that the Lord has someone else out there for me. However, that family will probably not ever have another son. It's probably like the Beasleys. Keith is gone and that's all they have. In all honesty, it would be extremely difficult in that situation. I mean, what do you hope for? That they come back? That you don't forget the memories because that's all you have? I don't know. I guess you fall back on the fact that as Christians you will see them again so you know it's only a matter of time before that happens.
Was there a sense of relief, closure, bitterness (the range)?
MAJOR relief. Major. It was time and I believe we both knew that. I think that somewhere deep within Keith knew Brooks and I would be okay if he left us and deep within I knew Keith needed to be made whole. My biggest fear was that Keith would remain in that condition forever - or at least until we were grandparents or something. If that was the case, I knew what my future held for me and it wasn't exactly encouraging. I couldn't make plans, I couldn't go out of town, I couldn't do anything because I never knew when Keith would have a downturn and end up back in the ER, then ICU, then who knows where. When I drive by places where Keith was admitted - Baylor Hospital, the nursing home, Select Specialty Hospital - I still blow kisses towards the building, think of him and say, "I miss you, Babe," but I am SO GRATEFUL that I can keep on driving to wherever it is that I'm headed.
Our school is devastated and we even had counselors in to tell the faculty what to say, what not to say, how to respond to the questions.
I would LOVE to know what the counselors told you guys to say and not say. Please indulge...
He was admired by all and folks are just stunned. I don't know if the time itself helped (not losing him right away)? However, maybe you can answer that for me as well. The loss sucks, but I wonder if the time in the coma helped others reconcile - being able to still talk, caress, pray with and for, read to and stuff like that.
Yes, the time helped FOR SURE. Because it was so sudden, the time allowed me to wrap my brain around what was happening and let me get used to being on my own. I still had Keith there so I could go and talk to him, cuddle with him, and try to hash out our situation even though he couldn't respond. The more I did that the more I realized that I COULD do it without him. I wouldn't trade those 18 months for anything. However, I wouldn't wish them upon anyone either. My situation worked for me and it was what I needed to be able to deal with everything. I can't help but believe that your friends had the length of time specific to their needs as well. At least that's what I hope. I hope this is what you were looking for and that it helps in some way. If my answers produced more questions then send 'em over. :)
I think the Srs to whom Luke was close go day to day and are now struggling with the guilt of enjoying themselves, having fun, etc. It was tough because he was such a dynamic young man, ton of integrity. He just drew people to him. He was a starter in baseball, football, basketball and in fine arts as well. Stud. The next big Sr markers: graduation, Sr trip, those might be tough.
If it comes up, tell them there should be NO guilt. Luke would want them to have fun and do things the same as if he was there doing it with them. Of that I am sure. Oh, ha, that reminds me of another thing that people did that was SO ANNOYING. They would send me forwards of stuff that was really lame. The one that comes to mind based on what you said about him is a poem about how God only takes the best. That's how he chooses who to call Home - only the best. It said how Heaven needed that person more than the people left on Earth. This type of stuff drove me crazy because 1) it's lame and 2) it's foundationally wrong.
You had a great trip to *Eden* I see! How are you these days?
The Virgin Islands were SO MUCH FUN. Jessica and I had a blast. It was tough, though, because that was one of the last trips I took with Keith. Jessica and I stayed at the same house and ended up doing a lot of the same stuff (restaurants, beaches, etc) from when I was there before so it's like I saw Keith everywhere. However, by doing that I think I am crossing bridges that will ultimately take me to where I want to be.
I think what was most striking/cringe-worthy was the 'prophecies' the family received and probably you, too. "Your son will wake up on the 40th day!" Uh, no, he didn't and he died on the 72nd day. I know folks meant well, but that stuff in the midst of our prayers may have been a buoy to them for a moment.
The prophecies and visions made it much more difficult. I've wondered about it because on one hand it gave me hope, but on the other hand the people were wrong. Hope is good, but it made it that much harder once Keith was gone. Of course the people meant well, but it was still a pretty crappy deal.
We got the news on the way home from a baseball game and I had one of his best friends in the car with me. I told him and he just sobbed all the way home. You know, Luke was essentially ‘gone’ but the finality of that moment really struck me. For you, what was that moment like when it was ‘final’?
The final moment...ahhhhhhh...it was one that I dreaded. I didn't want to be there. Of course I was each time they said it was happening, but I never wanted to actually see it. I would go to be there for Keith, but deep down I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to see him take his last breath and realize he would never take another. It's not how I wanted to remember him. Consequently, the day it happened I wasn't there. His mom was at the nursing home and the nurses asked her to step out while they bathed him. He passed away during the bath. When she came back in she said that he looked different, something was different. She called me immediately and said, "Judy, honey, you need to get up here now." I could tell by her voice that something was different. I knew what was going down and I took my time getting ready. I didn't just change clothes real fast, I decided what I wanted to wear. It was really strange because I thought: what am I going to wear the last time I see Keith? I did this before at the hospital when I stopped his medicine and blood pressure medication. His family flew in and I remember wearing my shirt that appropriately says: Save Me. Anyway, the phone rang a minute or two later - not more than five - and I was simply told, "He's gone." My shoulders relaxed and I let out a deep breath. My mom gave a loud wail and we hugged while she said, "He's at peace. He's whole. He's with the Lord." Then I dried my hair and went up to see his body. It's a very strange and surreal situation. It's so crazy to me that I even have that story to tell.
So, is it cathartic to go through the details of the 'day' or does it just suck the life out of you? Yeah, when do you start to process "I'm available"?
Nope, not cathartic. At least not yet. It just pretty much blows - for lack of a better term. I found out the other day that he's still frozen. That sucked too. It's exhausting. Takes a bunch out of me. I actually blogged about it earlier since my wheels were turning after emailing you.
Thanks again for taking the time to respond. Cory and I pray for you often and my prayer specifically for you is for Brooks to have a father that loves God so much that all he can do is have that love pour out to you and Brooks…and that he has lots of money!
Hahahaha - keep that prayer going...I like it. You hit the nail on the head! :)
Okay - I'll do my best to answer these. Although very similar, my situation was also very different based on the amount of time that passed. If Keith would've passed away just after two months I don't really know how I would feel. Actually, he was dying (one of the seven times) close to that timeframe. In July he suffered massive heart failure and I was told he wouldn't make it through the night. He also had the same blood infection that Luke had except he acquired it in May as I was giving birth to Brooks. I was told I couldn't even see him even though I was just three floors up because the infection was so severe. I digress...
What did you want to hear? Was it simply people's presence or words?
I didn't really want to hear anything. People are stupid and they don't know what to say so they end up rambling and making no sense. To me, the only people that get it are those who have been through something similar and they are the ones who speak the least. Just knowing people were there if I needed them was enough.
What encouraged you? What gave you hope?
See, this is going to be TOTALLY different for them. I was encouraged that I could regain my life and move forward. I believe that I will have a second shot at a happy home because I'm still relatively young and Brooks is awesome. I had and still have hope that the Lord has someone else out there for me. However, that family will probably not ever have another son. It's probably like the Beasleys. Keith is gone and that's all they have. In all honesty, it would be extremely difficult in that situation. I mean, what do you hope for? That they come back? That you don't forget the memories because that's all you have? I don't know. I guess you fall back on the fact that as Christians you will see them again so you know it's only a matter of time before that happens.
Was there a sense of relief, closure, bitterness (the range)?
MAJOR relief. Major. It was time and I believe we both knew that. I think that somewhere deep within Keith knew Brooks and I would be okay if he left us and deep within I knew Keith needed to be made whole. My biggest fear was that Keith would remain in that condition forever - or at least until we were grandparents or something. If that was the case, I knew what my future held for me and it wasn't exactly encouraging. I couldn't make plans, I couldn't go out of town, I couldn't do anything because I never knew when Keith would have a downturn and end up back in the ER, then ICU, then who knows where. When I drive by places where Keith was admitted - Baylor Hospital, the nursing home, Select Specialty Hospital - I still blow kisses towards the building, think of him and say, "I miss you, Babe," but I am SO GRATEFUL that I can keep on driving to wherever it is that I'm headed.
Our school is devastated and we even had counselors in to tell the faculty what to say, what not to say, how to respond to the questions.
I would LOVE to know what the counselors told you guys to say and not say. Please indulge...
He was admired by all and folks are just stunned. I don't know if the time itself helped (not losing him right away)? However, maybe you can answer that for me as well. The loss sucks, but I wonder if the time in the coma helped others reconcile - being able to still talk, caress, pray with and for, read to and stuff like that.
Yes, the time helped FOR SURE. Because it was so sudden, the time allowed me to wrap my brain around what was happening and let me get used to being on my own. I still had Keith there so I could go and talk to him, cuddle with him, and try to hash out our situation even though he couldn't respond. The more I did that the more I realized that I COULD do it without him. I wouldn't trade those 18 months for anything. However, I wouldn't wish them upon anyone either. My situation worked for me and it was what I needed to be able to deal with everything. I can't help but believe that your friends had the length of time specific to their needs as well. At least that's what I hope. I hope this is what you were looking for and that it helps in some way. If my answers produced more questions then send 'em over. :)
I think the Srs to whom Luke was close go day to day and are now struggling with the guilt of enjoying themselves, having fun, etc. It was tough because he was such a dynamic young man, ton of integrity. He just drew people to him. He was a starter in baseball, football, basketball and in fine arts as well. Stud. The next big Sr markers: graduation, Sr trip, those might be tough.
If it comes up, tell them there should be NO guilt. Luke would want them to have fun and do things the same as if he was there doing it with them. Of that I am sure. Oh, ha, that reminds me of another thing that people did that was SO ANNOYING. They would send me forwards of stuff that was really lame. The one that comes to mind based on what you said about him is a poem about how God only takes the best. That's how he chooses who to call Home - only the best. It said how Heaven needed that person more than the people left on Earth. This type of stuff drove me crazy because 1) it's lame and 2) it's foundationally wrong.
You had a great trip to *Eden* I see! How are you these days?
The Virgin Islands were SO MUCH FUN. Jessica and I had a blast. It was tough, though, because that was one of the last trips I took with Keith. Jessica and I stayed at the same house and ended up doing a lot of the same stuff (restaurants, beaches, etc) from when I was there before so it's like I saw Keith everywhere. However, by doing that I think I am crossing bridges that will ultimately take me to where I want to be.
I think what was most striking/cringe-worthy was the 'prophecies' the family received and probably you, too. "Your son will wake up on the 40th day!" Uh, no, he didn't and he died on the 72nd day. I know folks meant well, but that stuff in the midst of our prayers may have been a buoy to them for a moment.
The prophecies and visions made it much more difficult. I've wondered about it because on one hand it gave me hope, but on the other hand the people were wrong. Hope is good, but it made it that much harder once Keith was gone. Of course the people meant well, but it was still a pretty crappy deal.
We got the news on the way home from a baseball game and I had one of his best friends in the car with me. I told him and he just sobbed all the way home. You know, Luke was essentially ‘gone’ but the finality of that moment really struck me. For you, what was that moment like when it was ‘final’?
The final moment...ahhhhhhh...it was one that I dreaded. I didn't want to be there. Of course I was each time they said it was happening, but I never wanted to actually see it. I would go to be there for Keith, but deep down I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to see him take his last breath and realize he would never take another. It's not how I wanted to remember him. Consequently, the day it happened I wasn't there. His mom was at the nursing home and the nurses asked her to step out while they bathed him. He passed away during the bath. When she came back in she said that he looked different, something was different. She called me immediately and said, "Judy, honey, you need to get up here now." I could tell by her voice that something was different. I knew what was going down and I took my time getting ready. I didn't just change clothes real fast, I decided what I wanted to wear. It was really strange because I thought: what am I going to wear the last time I see Keith? I did this before at the hospital when I stopped his medicine and blood pressure medication. His family flew in and I remember wearing my shirt that appropriately says: Save Me. Anyway, the phone rang a minute or two later - not more than five - and I was simply told, "He's gone." My shoulders relaxed and I let out a deep breath. My mom gave a loud wail and we hugged while she said, "He's at peace. He's whole. He's with the Lord." Then I dried my hair and went up to see his body. It's a very strange and surreal situation. It's so crazy to me that I even have that story to tell.
So, is it cathartic to go through the details of the 'day' or does it just suck the life out of you? Yeah, when do you start to process "I'm available"?
Nope, not cathartic. At least not yet. It just pretty much blows - for lack of a better term. I found out the other day that he's still frozen. That sucked too. It's exhausting. Takes a bunch out of me. I actually blogged about it earlier since my wheels were turning after emailing you.
Thanks again for taking the time to respond. Cory and I pray for you often and my prayer specifically for you is for Brooks to have a father that loves God so much that all he can do is have that love pour out to you and Brooks…and that he has lots of money!
Hahahaha - keep that prayer going...I like it. You hit the nail on the head! :)
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
where I'm coming from...
My sister and I went to St. Thomas for spring break. We had a really great time and it was a trip I needed to take. See, this was one of the last vacations Keith and I took together and when the opportunity presented itself for Jessica and me to go, I really wanted to make it happen. We stayed at the same place and ended up doing a lot of the same things that Keith and I did a few years before. This was difficult at first because it was as if I saw Keith everywhere I looked. The house we stayed in overlooks a golf course. As I looked out toward the water, my mind saw Keith with his friends hitting golf balls. As Jessica and I went to different beaches I saw Keith sitting in the sand smiling at me. Winking at me. Loving me. This was both hard and healing.
Once I was back my dad received a letter regarding my grandmother, the one who passed away in February. Her body was donated to science, as was Keith's, and the letter was asking for direction on where to send her remains. It stated that if they do not hear back within forty-five days then her ashes will be spread in their memorial garden.
My brain froze. Did I get a letter like this? I didn't think so. But maybe I did? What if it was when I was so overloaded with paperwork that I didn't open it or never saw it to begin with? Is Keith in their garden? This made me sick to my stomach and I didn't know how to proceed. After a day-long funk I realized I had to call and see what the status was. I thought other phone calls I made were tough, but this was one of the worst.
I called the medical center and told them I needed to the know the status of someone who was brought there. I mean, really, how do you word this? She looked it up and told me that Keith had not been cremated. I responded by saying, "What does that mean?" Obviously I know what that means, but I was at such a loss as to how to ask what I wanted to know: Where is he and what condition is he in? I don't know for certain, but her guess was that due to Keith's age and maybe his condition, he would be used in some sort of military course to help with those types of injuries. He will remain frozen until this course becomes available.
I hate thinking about this. It's like as soon as I feel like I'm making real progress and moving on I find out something like this. I really hate my initial reaction: If his body is still here, then maybe I can go see him. Who thinks this? And if I'm really honest, I hate my reaction to my reaction as I try to justify why it's not a sick thought to have: It's pretty much like how he was for over a year, except frozen, and I really want to see him. It's totally sick and I hate that my thoughts even go there. Because it's sick. Of course I don't want to see Keith like that. I want to burn those images into my brain of him sitting on the beaches of St. Thomas and St. John smiling at me. Winking at me. Loving me.
That's what I want to remember and that's what I'll never forget.
Once I was back my dad received a letter regarding my grandmother, the one who passed away in February. Her body was donated to science, as was Keith's, and the letter was asking for direction on where to send her remains. It stated that if they do not hear back within forty-five days then her ashes will be spread in their memorial garden.
My brain froze. Did I get a letter like this? I didn't think so. But maybe I did? What if it was when I was so overloaded with paperwork that I didn't open it or never saw it to begin with? Is Keith in their garden? This made me sick to my stomach and I didn't know how to proceed. After a day-long funk I realized I had to call and see what the status was. I thought other phone calls I made were tough, but this was one of the worst.
I called the medical center and told them I needed to the know the status of someone who was brought there. I mean, really, how do you word this? She looked it up and told me that Keith had not been cremated. I responded by saying, "What does that mean?" Obviously I know what that means, but I was at such a loss as to how to ask what I wanted to know: Where is he and what condition is he in? I don't know for certain, but her guess was that due to Keith's age and maybe his condition, he would be used in some sort of military course to help with those types of injuries. He will remain frozen until this course becomes available.
I hate thinking about this. It's like as soon as I feel like I'm making real progress and moving on I find out something like this. I really hate my initial reaction: If his body is still here, then maybe I can go see him. Who thinks this? And if I'm really honest, I hate my reaction to my reaction as I try to justify why it's not a sick thought to have: It's pretty much like how he was for over a year, except frozen, and I really want to see him. It's totally sick and I hate that my thoughts even go there. Because it's sick. Of course I don't want to see Keith like that. I want to burn those images into my brain of him sitting on the beaches of St. Thomas and St. John smiling at me. Winking at me. Loving me.
That's what I want to remember and that's what I'll never forget.
Monday, March 28, 2011
pictures...
weekend with friends in San Antonio...
San Diego friends in Florida...
Pensacola, Florida...
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| St. Thomas |
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| St. John |
get busy living...
...or get busy dying. Keith and I watched "The Shawshank Redemption" many times and it was one of our favorite movies. In fact, people have asked if that's where we came up with the name Brooks - it's not just in case you're wondering now, too.
I have been missing Keith big time lately. Overall I am doing really well, but I still feel like there is a huge void within me. It's almost as if the more I move on, the more I miss him. But I continue on because that is the girl he married so, in part, I do it for him. Mainly I move on for Brooks but I also do it for me.
I continue to take trips and see friends and plan more fun things to do in the future, but the void remains because the ONE person I want to do these things with won't be joining me. Ever. And that sucks. I have found that the more I do these things the easier it becomes and that leads me to believe that I am healing. However, then I think...am I forcing the process? Am I doing things to propel myself in the right direction? All of the psycho-babble and reasons for doing things is enough to make you crazy without the weight of your problems. But when I cut away the fluff I see the choice I am making: to get busy living. And I'm okay with that. This process takes time and I'd rather get through it living rather than dying. Maybe I'll post some Spring Break pictures when I have the chance. :)
I have been missing Keith big time lately. Overall I am doing really well, but I still feel like there is a huge void within me. It's almost as if the more I move on, the more I miss him. But I continue on because that is the girl he married so, in part, I do it for him. Mainly I move on for Brooks but I also do it for me.
I continue to take trips and see friends and plan more fun things to do in the future, but the void remains because the ONE person I want to do these things with won't be joining me. Ever. And that sucks. I have found that the more I do these things the easier it becomes and that leads me to believe that I am healing. However, then I think...am I forcing the process? Am I doing things to propel myself in the right direction? All of the psycho-babble and reasons for doing things is enough to make you crazy without the weight of your problems. But when I cut away the fluff I see the choice I am making: to get busy living. And I'm okay with that. This process takes time and I'd rather get through it living rather than dying. Maybe I'll post some Spring Break pictures when I have the chance. :)
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